Should I be a stepmom?
Hello,
I am a 26 year old girl, Just graduated from nursing school. About 4 months ago, i just got engaged to a great man with one daughter of his and a son that he adopted from his BM. The idea of me being with him was not bad since recently i started feeling alone, uncared, sometimes unappreciated for. I am now feeling like i dont think i want to continue to be in this relationship.
Me reading all this stepmother's stories doesn't make me feel like to be one. I have never imagined of me being a stepmother. Before we were engaged i didn't give it much attention. I didn't undrstand when people tell me to think twice of the decsion i am making. I could never see myself as a stepmother, especially at my age. I want to build a family, not be in one that's already built. I am now worried how I amm going to end this. He has been a great person to me, would it make me a horrible person for wanting to end my relationship becaus he has children?
Can someone please give me some advice!
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Comments
run
run far, run fast. I can't even begin to count the amount of trials and tribulations that come with step parenting. We have this picture in our heads about "blending" families into one that is fairly fluid. It's a myth.
Tell yourself you gave it a
Tell yourself you gave it a try and it just didn’t work out. DONT be a stepmom. You will regret it. Break it off before you get in too deep.
I was your age when I got
I was your age when I got married to DH. I don't mind being a SM, but it certainly isn't my first choice. My DH makes me his priority and that makes it worthwhile. However, without that, I would have run as far and as fast as humanly possible.
It's one thing to have stepkids and/or their BM annoy you. It's a whole other ball of wax when you feel uncared for, unappreciated, and unloved. That has nothing to do with being a stepparent and everything to do with your SO not being a good partner. Yes, kids complicate things greatly, but that doesn't mean your SO should make you feel less than. If that is how you feel, that is a direct reflection on your SO and plenty of reason to not get married.
^ I'm with her. I've adjusted
^ I'm with her. I've adjusted, I love my skids. But it's definitley not a first choice.
If your SO isn't making you a priority now, he likely won't after marriage. If DH wasn't making me one, I'd likely have crumbled and ran for the hills a LONG time ago, or completley snapped and have been admitted. It's a toss-up.
End it, and no it's not bad
End it, and no it's not bad that you want to because he has kids. Statistically, 80% of second marriages end in divorce. A lot of those divorces are becuase of the kids - if it's the kids themselves or the "parenting" the kids received or did not receive is irrelevant.
If your SO and/or kids are making you feel lonely and under appreciated it will probably only get worse. As the kids get older their behavior will likely get worse (hormones if nothing else). Additionally, you can probably look forward to problems with the BM...
Run, far and fast. You are young and it will be easy to find a partner with no kids. You are just about to start a lucrative career. Do you want to help support someone elses kids?
You have a great life ahead of you that you can build with a partner and grow your own family, not someone elses.
Watch how he is with his
Watch how he is with his kids solo. If he constantly needs help tending to his own kids instead of just taking care of his business then reconsider staying with him. He might just want someone to nanny or supplement his income. Not worth it. If he can’t prioritize you sometimes when it’s necessary or if he has some over involvement with the BM then it’s not worth it.
The answer is NO! Dont be a
The answer is NO! Dont be a step mom. I could never see myself as a stepmother, especially at my age. I want to build a family, not be in one that's already built. You have said it yourself, you are too young for that. Find someone you can build a family together from stratch, not be part of a family where relations began a long time ago and you are the new comer, there will be shared history that you can't be a part of and because these kids came in your partner's life before you then he may never put you first and you will forever compete for your partner's time, affection, attention, finances and whatever with the kids, then you will have the bio mom to deal with. That means it can never be the two of you in the marriage but five of you and 3 is a crowd!! Parenting is a hard job what more kids that are not yours, it is hard to put up with the crap thrown at you by another woman's child, it will drive you crazy, rather tolerate crap from your own children whom you can discipline as you see fit without fearing being judged by anyone.There are just so many challenges that come with being a step parent, those are the challenges that end up straining the marriage causing regrets and resentment and eventually divorce. A marriage on its own has its own challenges, 50% first marriages fail, choosing to be a step mom is adding 30% to that 50% failure rate.
If you feel you are not wired to be a step mom then you shouldnt be afraid to say it and you shouldnt be judged for it, you are being true to yourself, you cant force yourself to be what you know you cannot, if you know you dont have the heart to love and raise and tolerate another woman's child then dont marry a man with a child. There are some people who adopt children even when they can have their own and they love them like their own, that's them, people are different. One man's food is another man's poison. If being a step mom is poison to you then run and NEVER regret it!!! Its the best choice you can ever make.