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It’s been 6 months!

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Since I first blogged about 6 months ago we have been riding the ups and downs, fortunately there have been a lot more ups lately.

I’m not saying things are perfect, we still have plenty of days where skids are yelling about something, saying something awful to DH or being general douchebags, but they’ve become fewer.

I still don’t trust SStween to be around Toddler unsupervised, but he has not attempted to hurt T in anyway and usually plays nicely. He even gave T hugs goodnight on the weekend that HE (SStween) asked for.

SDteen has a horrible attitude but DH has started listening to me and not engaging her. Immediately stop talking and walk away from her when she starts in. Go back to her later and have a conversation about behavior that’s not acceptable and why. Defuse her before she kicks into BM mode and starts twisting everything you say and accusing you of abuse. Working ok so far, and she’s been generally nice with me and T.

BM has gone silent since the mediation, which has helped immensely. On the one hand, DH worries about what awful thing she is planning next or already doing, on the other hand, I cannot waste anymore energy on that disgusting excuse for a human being.

Our worst days now are the changeover days, still working on how to deal with those. Pickups are painful, they are both itching for a fight, to lay into DH for something. And the more he asks if something is wrong, the angrier they get. I’ve told him just don’t talk then, by the late evening/next morning they’re ok, they’ve worked through it. Changeback days are awful too, they’re angry, won’t get out of bed, won’t get dressed to go, fighting with DH over everything, don’t want to get their stuff together, won’t get in the car. It’s like they don’t want to come but once they’re here, they don’t want to leave.

One thing that has become crystal clear is that DH is now the sole target of any badmouthing that’s happening. They can be awful to him, then the moment they are away from dad and with me, it’s gone, over. It’s not them playing us off each other, it’s a complete shift in behavior, so whatever BM is saying, dad is the enemy and T and I don’t exist in that. Not sure how to get them past that or if we even can.

For the time being though, DH is not going to end visitation. I still expect them both to PAS outta here at some point, I don’t think there’s anything that can be done about it.

Any advice for the changeover days? It’s just weird, they’re angry when they come, then they’re angry when they leave, no idea how to make it easier on them or us.

Comments

JRI's picture

I remember how awful Friday afternoons were when BM dropped off my 3 SKs.  I experienced low-level dread starting about Thursday.  The boys were aggressive and SD was usually mad about having to come at all.  By Saturday afternoon, things were better.  When they left on Sunday night, I breathed a sigh of relief but I heard there were transition issues at BM's.  

There was really no solution for us.  My SKs eventually moved in full time and things were easier then, believe it or not.  I think those transitions are hard on kids, I don't understand the dynamics but there it is .

I'm glad things are better for your family.  Steplife is tough.

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

on the pre-changeover night. Who is showing up this weekend, what BS have they been pumped and primed with?

We tried to put in a routine for those days. DH would pick them up, take them out for a snack and take them to either the bowling alley or the arcade. That was going well and they were much happier, but as soon as BM got wind that we were doing the same things right after every pick up she trashed it to the kids. It was, "your dad is trying to bribe you to make you happy to see him" and now they outright refuse to do anything. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

My guess is that they're angry in general by having to change households. Some kids adjust just fine, but others...not so much. Or, BM ranps up the crazy before exchange, which stirs up their little brains. Then, after they have time to reflect and be away, they may realize BM is the issue, so they're right back to being angry at her when they have to go.

Your DH may be the one to get the brunt of their anger because he's the "safe" one to be angry at. His response to their behavior is boundaries, not swearing and lies and emotional manipulation. Believe it or not, having boundaries with them, over time, will likely help with the changeovers.

In the interim, he should probably keep doing what he's doing. Let them stew in their thoughts, turn on some music in the car, etc. DH can show that he's happy to have them (upbeat music that he sings along to) without having to engage them. When going back to BM's place...that one's tougher. Perhaps he can try just telling them "hey, we're leaving at 11 so plan accordingly" and leave it up to them. If the most they've done by 11 is wake up, then they can go back to BM's in pajamas. Then the only fight is getting them out the door, not everythong else.