O/T How do I get my mojo back at work?
I've been in my current position for over seven years. I've hated it from day one. It's a complete career change for me and I never developed in it. For years I thought they were withholding work because of my being useless. I had probably hundreds of meetings with my manager and others and have tried every angle to figure out why I came across as so horrible that I wasn't allowed to do anything. I'd watch the other analysts fly past me because they were getting developmental opportunities and would gain experience and I had nothing to speak to on a panel, so I stayed stuck. I couldn't even get another job at the same level as me. My skills had significantly devolved and I have virtually no self esteem left. I felt like I walked around with a scarlet letter that everyone else but me could see. No matter what I did, I couldn't get these people to give me some decent work to do. It turned out to be a crappy supervisor, but still. I'm the one paying the price.
About six months ago, there was a house cleaning. New blood came on board and my new manager (Gru) promised that I would develop. Only that's not happening. I'm definitely being treated differently from the other analysts and I have so much resentment. Gru is abusive. He does compliment/insult sandwiches. He'll compliment me, but then throw in an insult and I end up feeling even worse than I already do. Gru traps me in his office for three hours at a time and I'm not allowed to leave. He has OCD (diagnosed) and he doesn't know that I know and I don't plan on telling him that I know. I don't kow why. He yells at me and he cost me a chance to move on because he gave me a crappy reference. I'm in a work situation that I MUST give my current supervisor's name as a reference, so that's a problem.
My main problem is that I have no motivation whatsoever to do any work. I have writer's block and I'm literally frozen and sit and stare at my screen. I'm thinking it might be due to Gru going through line by line rewriting everything while I sit in his office for three hours. I'm trying very hard to remind myself that he's running his own agenda and has OCD and hasn't seemed to separate his OCD from his extreme criticism. I can't do ANYTHING right. If I tend to something, he'll even get beligerent on why I did it and didn't pass it onto another area. I'm losing sleep and I'm dreading coming into work every damn day.
How the hell do I get my mojo back so that I can prevent myself from getting in trouble for not doing anything and how do I do my work so that I can have something to speak to on a panel?
Has anyone had issues with losing motivation at work before? How did you get past it? Also, would extreme criticism be the cause of lost motivation? I'm really trying to work through this and make the best of it while I try to get away from Gru.