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she has been criticized her whole life

Eve-Bee's picture

Yikes! I am in so over my head with SD20. She comes as she wishes and stays as long as she wants. She is incredibly spoiled, never worked for anything in her whole life, and has a parasitic mindset. She is now trying to finish high school for the second time. She has this show going on telling everyone she workes all the time(she did this when she had secretly dropped out as well). Even sits there at family dinners saying DH family how she works double what I do (I have two jobs, and she pays nothing for anything other than her own Funtime). Basically, she wants people to admire her for the things I am usually praised for, but does not want to do the actual work. Instead she attends school two days a week and works whenever she feels like it. Also, she fakes illness a lot, so she has a lot of time off school for that. Which means she is at our house most of the time. And, I hate to be around her now. She is so disgusting, self-centered, manipulating, lack of empathy for others, and... just like her mother, the huge bloodsucker. It used to be a time when I loved her so much and could not understand how a stepmother could not love her stepdaughter, but her bad behavior has been relentless, and I have learned that she is just a bad apple (genetically caused). On good days I am disengaged, and it works most the time, but it is still so hard when she is here all the time. 

So this holiday, DH was to drive her to her mom(she has been here non-stop for six months). And he went into these dark emotions afterward. I tried to stay disengaged and just go about my business. But after some days of living with this depressed man. I started poking the bear, and then it came out he was feeling so sorry for SD because "she has been criticized her whole life". And then he tries to pin it at me coming up with this example of when I for five years ago, asked her to stop a particular bad habit, that was causing our electrical bill to increase significantly. That poor SD had to live with this kind of criticism from everyone all the time. I told him straight that that was a common thing for parents to say no to and that I would do the same with DD if she ever did something reckless like that. And told him that SD´s only problem is that she is spoiled. And that DH has never done her wrong in any other sense then give her to much, and thus she cannot appreciate how easy she has it, and has had it her whole life. After this bubble burst, DH was so lovely to be around, the rest of our holiday was super nice. 

Today SD20, the fat bloodsucker, is back. And I cannot help think that she tried to ruin my Christmas holiday, with that crap she put in DH head. After all that I have done for her in so many years, it is such a display of ungratefulness. However, I have learned that I can expect nothing less than lousy behavior for her. The truth is that it is not only me and her problem, but she also has enormous problems with having compassion and empathy for all others and is easily jealous of others if they get attention and not her. 


tog redux's picture

Your SD isn't the issue, your delusional DH is. He allows this kid to behave this way, and then gets upset with YOU about it?!  Oh no. 

Eve-Bee's picture

Yes, you are probably right. I try to hold him accountable, and I should do it more often. I also told him that in our argument that I did not deserve the blame or anger. And he did apologize to me. But, yes, thank you for your input. I will think about how to put my foot down with him regarding his daughter. I guess what is bothering me to my core is that my DH has a good hearth. He works with taking care of people that are sick or disabled and is kind and caring as a person. But his daughter has never shown signs of empathy or sympathy for others from an early age until now. Even when her father was very sick or when family members or friends of her has died. I really do think that it is due to genetics because when she was a child, we tried so hard to teach her empathy for others even with help, but it was not possible. I have also heard so many describe her mom like that, so it is most likely something she was born with. Honesty, it is like she is disabled when it comes to the things that make us human, compassion, empathy, and care for others. And, I think the root of the problem is that my DH has a deep sorrow for her since she is not capable. But for me, sometimes it feels like she is just pure evil and self-centered and should learn the hard way. 

tog redux's picture

Sometimes "kind" people allow themselves to be doormats, and they are unable to set boundaries or hold others accountable. He is part of the problem here, not just BM. 

Harry's picture

His bad parenting is causing your problems. Instead of making his DD a useful person. Having respect for you and your home,  He lets her behave this way.  First set DH straight.  

Eve-Bee's picture

Yes, he is definitely a huge part of the problem. Thanks for your honest opinions. It is not always easy to see straight when it is in your life. I needed that *good*

CLove's picture

Shes a sociopathic liar? Mine too!

Selfish? Mine too!

Lazy? Mine too!

Lack empathy? Mine too!

Wait - does she at least have a license and drive????? That would be a big difference.

Eve-Bee's picture

I am sorry, CLove, that you are dealing with the same type of person. No, she does not have her license, even though she got money from us to take it. DH and her grandfather picked her up and practiced with her a lot, so it should be easy for her to pass the driving test. However, in our country, she also has to read a book and pass a multiple-choice test. She rarely does homework, and just expects to trick herself into good grades. So it is the same with the driver's license, she does not read the book and tries the test anyhow and flunks, she has been doing this the last two years. She is so lazy and does not want to study the book, so she is treating the test like a lottery. 

CLove's picture

They are TWINS. SD20 cannot be bothered to take the test either. You have to take the mulitple choice test, then you can drive, then after a bit you take the driving test.

Here we have uber, so lazy chits can avoid life.

Dad needs to step up to plate if he has any kind of influence. Micro manage that. Get on her.

DH kind of turned  ablind eye, and "let her do her thing", and now she is just wasting her life.

Eve-Bee's picture

Gosh, it sounds like they truly are twins. Uber, why drive when a princess can have a private chauffeur. 
That is so sad that she is wasting her life. Have you tried to influence him now?

Honestly, I know that I should get involved. However, I have a gut feeling that she is most likely to drop out of school again, and if she could, she would love to blame me for it and play the poor victim again. Thus, I feel like I will give her until summer. Then I will start demanding that she contributes to the household. I am actually pretty sure that any form of a boundary (like no free junkfood or snacks) or a house chore will be enough for her to run to live with her grandparents, or perhaps find that rich husband she has planned to get. LoL

CLove's picture

Princess Feral Forger has momeee supporting her, and is no contact with me, and basically no-contact-until-I-feel -like-calling-for-money with DH.

Her friends buy her things, she is learning how to work the weak and wealthy. I get my info from Munchkin SD13.

Yes, you are easy "soft target" for victim-blaming. Just be ready!

Eve-Bee's picture

The similarities keep on coming. SD also has a special talent at how to work the weak and wealthy. She actually has two girls that drive her anywhere she wants. One of them comes to our house early in the morning to drive her to school every day when she is at school. (we live walking distance from her school). And the rare days she actually works, one of them drives her again. I find it so weird that still, she spent almost all of her free time in our house eating and watching Netflix. I mean, it's not like she does not have friends. 

Sounds lovely with the no contact, that would work for me too *bye*. I guess time will show. Yes, I plan to be ready. I am using until summer to get my finances in order, see what happens with SD and high school, and formulate my demands for DH to parent his lazy grown-up. I have worked hard for so many years, and finally, in July, I will qualify and have been promised a senior position and major salary bump. Which, in turn, will make me able to keep our home if he cannot stand up for us. I mean, I love him, but I also love life without all this BS. SD20 said a year ago that she would live with us forever. I think she did so to try to get me to move out. What she has not realized is that her father would not afford our lifestyle without me, so if anyone has to leave, it will not be me.