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Semi OT... SD having problems with my BIL (DH's Brother) her uncle.

ESMOD's picture

This is a bit OT.. but I'm pretty upset about a situation that is going on with my YSD20.  She is a pretty good kid.  Has a FT job doing payroll and HR for a local company in the small town where she lives.  She also works in the evening/weekends as an assistant manager for a local restaurant.  Plus, she takes online courses towards getting a college degree.  She doesn't do drugs.. has had dated a few bone-heads and will have the occasional drink.. but isn't a super wild child and honestly spends most of her time working.  She is smart and financially independent... her bosses love her at both places she works.


Well... BIL has somehow fixated on getting "back" at her or ruining her reputation.  He works at the same company she does in a maintenance area of the factory.  Apparently, when she started there a couple years ago, he got into it with another worker who made a comment about the way she looked (she is pretty.. nice body.. and 18 looks good on  He made it into probably a bigger deal than it should have been because she didn't hear the comment and hardly anyone else did.. it was not to be too flippant but "locker room" level of talk... not serious.. and the guy later apologized to her.

Well... recently BIL has gotten very difficult with her... he is most likely jealous that she makes more money than him.. has a better position and she is even his wife's supervisor at work now.. so I think he is very insecure.  He is also a big drinker and doesn't realize that he ends up saying stupid things and being an ahole.  So, earlier this summer, he was in a rage against her because she didn't "pay him right" on his check.  He said he was promised 1,000 pay for a day by his manager and she needed it include it on his pay.  She kept trying to explain that she couldn't pay him just on his word.. she needed his manager to document it to her.. and that he was complaining to the wrong person.  My DH and I even tried to explain to him that she can't pay him without proper approval.. but he was having none of it.. and muttered "I'll fix her".. as he stumbled back to his semi-detached inlaw suite (where he lives in the equivalent of his parent's basement with his wife paying 300/month rent). 

So fast forward, apparently YSD gave the guy who BIL got into it over the comment with a ride home from the restaurant because he was drunk.  Again, they had since made amends since the comment and YSD was worried he would get a ticket or worse.  Yeah.. probably not the smartest thing for her to do.. but she had a friend on the phone with her the whole ride she said and nothing happened.  Well.. BIL gets mad and tells everyone he works with at the plant that she and this guy are sleeping together.  Now, even if that WAS true (which it isn't).. that is absolutely not his story to tell anyone at work where she is also employed in a position of responsibility.  That is strike one.

Now... he has also been going to the restaurant where she works and giving her a hard time bugging her there.  His wife also works there and it just makes the situation difficult.  She is only 20.. and has a lot of responsibility.. she doesn't need him giving her problems where she works.

Now.. another shoe has dropped.  She and her friend were swimming at her grandparent's pool (remember he lives in the semidetached inlaw place beside the pool).  So, he apparently takes pictures of the girls in their bikinis and proceeds to send them to coworkers and show them the pictures he took without their knowledge.  His wife also found these pics on his phone.. he is trying to deny everything. 

YSD is in a tough spot... she doesn't necessarily want him fired.. but she wants him to STOP.  Maybe now that this has come out and everyone knows what he did.. maybe he will straighten up.. but with his pickled mind.. he will probably blame HER for him getting in trouble with his mom and wife. 

I have advised her to document everything he has done.. she doesn't HAVE to report anything.. but she should have the information if she ever has to.  I'm just beside myself and can't believe what a creep he was for all of this. 


barbKarin's picture

What is your husband saying knowing that his brother took those pictures of his daughter?

This creep needs to be arrested for being a peeoping tom.

ESMOD's picture

It's tough.. my DH is working out of town (as in can't come back while he is working there).. half way across the country.  It's probably a good thing he can't come back right now.. he's  Brother i in complete denials to him.. says he didn't do it.  Not sure why YSD would make this up.. plus the guy's wife saw the pics on his phone.. and SHE is pissed.. plus my MIL knows and is upset with her son too.

BIL is a vindictive person that holds a grudge.. that's the problem.. my DH and he didn't speak for years... and BIL still hates the lawyer that negotiated rehab for him instead of jail when he got a DUI at

YSD actually works in HR as part of her job but she feels like she is in a tough spot.  Sure, she can report this.. and he would likely lose his job and possibly be arrested.. but then she would feel responsible (in a way.. yes.. his fault but..) for him losing basicaly his "job of last resort".  The guy was laid off from two jobs several years ago... got divorced and filed bankruptcy.. now lives in the inlaw suite with his wife... who actually pays the rent there.

Anyway.. between that and being concerned he would retaliate even worse in some way.. she just wants it to go away.

His brother is just a bitter little man (short man syndrome too).  He is always trying to get me to hug him like he thinks that I would just ditch my DH for him in a second or something.. he just is creepy to women at times too.  I think part of the inappropriateness is that he is drinking a lot so I don't even think he outright realizes how he is acting.. to mentally pickled.

So I did tell her to document and if it doesn't stop now.. she has the ammo to get this taken care of for good.



Gimlet's picture

I hope SD knows she would NOT be responsible in any way for his losing his job and/or being arrested, HE would.  It's dysfunctional for anyone to say, or even hint, that she would be.   BIL is 100% responsible for his choices.

He sounds like a disgusting human being and it doesn't matter if he's family, he's being enabled to behave this way because people are deflecting his consequences (not reporting him at work for his harassment, allowing him to "rent" from them, paying his rent, etc).  It sounds like the other shoe needs to drop for this man sooner than later.

Heck, I want to kick his ass and I don't know any of you.

I really hope the family is focused on protecting SD and not enabling this creepy loser.  

This isn't directed at you, this sort of thing just really gets my goat.  

Major Blunder's picture

First of all, I am jealous that you have such a great sounding SD !!!!

Secondly, she is in a tough position and it sounds like she has a good heart as well, we can only hope this guy keeps digging his own grave.  I am quite the fan of the theory of giving someone enough rope to hang themselves.  It may take time but he’ll get what is coming to him.

ESMOD's picture

She is a pretty amazing young woman... of course not perfect.. but in general is living her "best life" so to speak. 

Right now, her hope is that the fact that he has been exposed to his wife and family about being a creeper... and that he could seriously have some impact from all of this... maybe he will decide to lay low himself and not cause any more problems for her. 

I did want her to at the very least document what has gone on so that if he does anything further that she has plenty of ammo and support.  Yes.. in some ways, I wish she could/would go up the chain and have him investigated but I can understand the reluctance on her part to make such huge waves in her family.  It just sucks because this is a fairly small company/community and a girl's reputation is something you don't want to be dragged through the mud.. especially by her idiot uncle.  I think most people know he is a bit of a Dumb A...  but still, it really is not what she needs when she works so hard to get herself ahead.

I understand her not wanting to put a ball into motion where he would get fired.  I mean, right now I think she feels it might blow over and if she gets him fired that is going to cause a permanent problem in the family.  Yes.. he is the one that set that in motion, but still, she feels like it would end up getting blamed on her..... but if he doesn't cut this crap out.. I don't think she will have an option.  I thought she should actually say something and ask that he be counseled on it.. written up, but not fired.. but if anything further happens they would have documented it... but I don't think she wants to go that route yet.