Dear Abby...smh....
The below Gem is courtesy of Dear Abby. I wonder what the answer would have been from our group if we had gotten this as a post?
DEAR ABBY: I have a 6-year-old son, "Tyler," from a previous relationship. I have been dating a man I'll call Chad for almost four years.
My problem is, Chad can't seem to have any kind of relationship or interaction with Tyler. Chad isn't abusive, but he constantly ignores my boy and gives him no attention. I thought after all this time Chad would be used to my son, but it hasn't happened. Sometimes he seems annoyed when Tyler is in the same room. I'm not sure if I should end the relationship or stick around. Any advice would be helpful. -- LOSING HOPE
DEAR LOSING HOPE: Your first responsibility is to your son. The way Chad treats Tyler will eventually damage the boy's self-esteem if it hasn't already. Children are perceptive. When they are ignored, they know something is wrong and think it's their fault -- that there's something wrong with them and that they don't measure up. My advice is to tell Chad the romance is over and why. Frankly, you should have done it years ago.
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Here are my thoughts for a
Here are my thoughts for a better response.
Dear Hope, your child already has two parents and it's not your BF's responsibility to babysit or entertain him. As the parent, it's your responsibility to care and nurture your child and of course protect him from harm. Unless your BF is abusive to your child, I don't think it's necessary that he is your son's best friend. You should of course expect civility in your home. However, that works both ways. Is your son rambunctious and interfering with your BF's ability to watch the news or quietly read a book? Are you creating a spoiled child that is not pleasant to be around? The bottom line is that the only person who can provide an answer as to why he hasn't developed a closer relationship with your son is Chad. Why don't you ask him with an open mind why he doesn't seem to enjoy being with your child. You may find answers that make you want to end the relationship but you also may find that you could be doing a better job of raising a child that is more pleasant to be around.
I wish this was Abby's response!
The BM has a right to have a happy child and relationship, but Chad also has a right to decide how much interaction he wants to have with the 6 year old. Where is the BF in this picture? You also asked very valid questions about Chad's preferences and the child's behavior.
I "follow" a SM page on FB and one poster said that she doesn't love her SD as she does her bio. SM didn't say she disliked SD, but she made the mistake of vocalizing that to her H. The responses were that she is a monster and should most definitely love SD as she does her own bio! I don't think so. Yes, treat them the same, but don't expect her to "love" SD as if she gave birth to her!
Girl crush on ESMOD!!!
Girl crush on ESMOD!!!
Dear ESMOD,
Tell Abby to skooch over - there's a new advice queen in town!!
Sincerely,
Aniki
You should be Dear ESMOD,
You should be Dear ESMOD, that's a balanced, rational response!
My question to Hope would be
My question to Hope would be what kind of relationship does she expect Chad to have with her son? Does she expect him to do "dad" things? If so, my follow-up question would be does she want BF's new GF/DW doing "mom" things with her son?
My guess is no. My guess is Hope, like many parents, LOVE the idea of having someone step in to be a second parent UNTIL they realize the shoe has to fit the other foot, too. Is Hope going to want SM getting haircuts for Junior? Kissing his boo-boos? Reading him bedtime stories? Being in family pictures? No? Well then...
I am being unfair to Hope in this and making lots of assumptions (but it's Dear Abby so I feel pretty safe make broad strokes). However, more divorced/separated parents need to realize that they are, effectively, single parents in their own household. No one else is obligated or should be expected to step into the role of parent. Now, if a new partner WANTS to do that, great. But good luck finding someone who is seeking out that role. Most of us just accept that our partner has children. We didn't have a lifelong yearning to be a stepparent.
That is definitely a good
That is definitely a good point. I know that my DH's EX wanted her BF to be a father figure to her girls... but hold the phone if she thought I did something that she considered her own "mom territory"...
These are all great, great
These are all great, great points. Not to mention the fact that...the skids themselves often don't want us to "love them like our own" or act as a "mom/dad to them" Certainly, no one tells the skids that they should love US in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY that they love their "real" parents or else they are monsters without any heart or soul. Hahahahaha. Hilarious. Such a strange, disempowering double standard.
This, too!
This, too!
I feel like we don't preach enough that kids are their own persons who will form their own relationships with the people in their lives - stepparents included. Respect and civility should always be expected, but anythinf above and beyond that is just that - above and beyond.
Good point. It's strange and
Good point. It's strange and disempowering on both sides.
Disempowering to the stepparent who is expected to love unconditionally and treat kids like their own, when those same kids are never expected to do the same in return...to treat them and feel toward them the way they feel toward their bioparents.
Disempowering to the stepkid because society just assumes the kid is a pawn in the adult's world with no free will or ability to form relationships outside the family structure.
It's weird all around.
Honestly this mother is upset
Honestly this mother is upset because her boyfriend doesn't have a relationship with her son. She's not in the wrong for that. Many parents would desire their partner take an active role in their child's life.
The thing is you can't force that. The boy is 6 and it seems like this is an ongoing issue. It will only get worse. It isn't about replacing the child’s father but having adults around him who will help him grow.
The mother needs to decide what is important to her. Is the relationship she has worth it if the man doesn’t meet her desires in terms of a possible step parent? Or is it time to move on and find someone different who may fill those roles better.
That all being said the man’s not in the wrong either. This just may not be the correct relationship for them.
Seems like there is
more to the story than "Losing Hope" wants to admit. Unless Chad is a "non people" type (which can happen but usually most guys like to see their stepkids, especially a stepSON as a friend) then there is more to the story.
I do agree that this is one
I do agree that this is one of those situations where they may not be a good fit. But instead of her just looking at her BF's actions (or inactions to be more specific)... shouldn't she also explore further to see what is the reason behind the lack of relationship? Maybe he tried in the past but she jumped him for any correction of her child. Maybe the child is especially aggravating and she overlooks all that? Or, maybe the guy just isn't good at relating to children and doesn't know how. If she asks her BF... maybe she will get some insight whether this relationship is worthy of continuing. Because, of course, you should hope that your SO can have some sort of pleasant relationship with your child who lives with you. Now, maybe her expectations were more to bonus daddy while her BF figures kids are women's work.. who knows.. but just breaking up without figuring out if there is something else going on would be a good idea. I mean, it's not like the guy is a terrible person to HER... (we assume..lol) so what is the hangup with her kid and can it be fixed?
Dear Losing Hope:
Honestly, I can't see why Chad isn't THRILLED to PIECES when Tyler, backtalks you and tells Chad he doesn't have to listen to him because he's not his REAL dad. Chad should adore the cute way that Tyler interrupts any conversation that you are having with him. Tyler is a precious gem and should be consulted on every adult decision including but not exclusive to:
1. where you will live
2. what you will eat
3. what hue to paint the living room
4. what type of car to buy
5. what school Tyler will be going to
Make sure that Chad knows Tyler will have unfettered access to everything 24/7 if that means he is allowed to rummage through Chad's things. Accidents will happen, you know, so Chad SHOULD be accepting of any whoopsies Tyler makes to furniture, the home, electronic equipment belonging to Chad, the car, etc etc.
If Chad is not wiling to zip it and fork over his finances whilst letting free-spirited Tyler rule the roost, I think you should cut it off post haste!
Signed, Pollyanna Abby
No one ever expects the child
No one ever expects the child to love the step parent the way they love their bio-parent. Yet the expectation of step parents is to love step children as if they were their bio children.
With one exception
in the case of CP BM and stepDAD, usually stepDAD has the GUBM stamp of approval so the skids will completely accept him providing he doesn't discipline, that he forks over fistfuls of cash and keeps his mouth shut.