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I miss my step kid so much, it hurts

Enby Parent's picture

I miss the shape of his fingers and toes.

I miss the smell of the top of his head and his morning breath.

I miss the magic tricks, the play-pretend and goofy dancing.

I miss the puppy-dog eyes and pouty face he’d make to get his way — his big brown eyes as deep as the cosmos.

I miss the way he’d hold my hand when he was just telling me a story.

I miss his laughing fits that made it impossible to understand his story.

I miss the bedtime stories; bedtime warning; countdowns, time outs, tickle fights, comforting hugs, boo-boo kissing and singing Raffi kid songs.

I miss him sucking his thumb and staring out the car window from his car seat.

I miss slowly watching his thumb fall out of his sleepy mouth.

I don’t think he sucks his thumb anymore. I don’t know.

I miss my step kid so much, it hurts.

 

He came into my life when he was 2 years old. I met him at a playground when I first began hanging out with his biomom. I gave him a little purple car that I bought as a belated birthday gift. He fell at the park, and I immediately jumped up to comfort him. We’d been inseparable ever since.

By 4 years old, and with the permission of his biomom/my then girlfriend, he was calling me mama. Every single time his baby voice said mama, my heart melted.

 

Yes my baby? I love you so much. What do you need?

 

He was my baby boy that she gave birth too, and the first child I ever had. I taught him how to ride a bike and skateboard. We’d read bedtime stories and do hugs and kisses together, every single night. We’d play catch, basketball, kickball, cook together and make so many messy kitchen experiments. We became family. I gave whatever I could financially, emotionally, logistically, and mentally, and I feel no loss for it. I would do it all again for him. 

Years later, I married his bio mother. We were married for 4 years before I asked for a divorce. I begged to stay in his life. Losing him was always my biggest fear, a fear she knew all about, and it came true.

He just turned 11yrs old, and it’s his first birthday without me since he was 2yrs old. Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to capture what I’m experiencing. I know that time heals, and I already hate it. Everyday that I am healing is another day of not being in his life.

 

-- Enby

Comments

Rags's picture

Though I can well immagine it.

I have been my SS-30's dad since before he turned 2yo. His mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy).

I am so sorry for your pain and grief.

Take care of you.

 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

That is a very big loss.

You may find that he reaches out to you later.  My SSs all contacted their exstep dad when they were teens.  And now they stay in touch and invite him to all their big landmark events.  You may be lucky.

Enby Parent's picture

I hope I am lucky enough to reconnect when he's older. Missing all of these days, weeks, years of milestones in his life in between is crushing, but I still remain so hopeful. 

@Rags I love that so much. From reading your bio, he sounds like an amazing young man and you are an amazing dad. Way to go mom for co-creating such a family!

Yesterdays's picture

That is my hope for you as well. I hope you're able to connect when they're older and they will remember all of the nice things that you did for them and how you treated them. (hugs 

CLove's picture

Losing your SS on top of losing your partner and the life that you thought you would have. Your grieving your loss, not many would understand but we do.

I was in SD16.5 PS's life since she was 8.5. We would go to the local parks, the beach, then later the salon and have lunches and shopping. When things happed and she basically cut me out of her life I had to grieve the relationship I though we had. I cried. It was hard.

My thoughts go out to you. Grieve as long as you need to.

Enby Parent's picture

Thanks CLove, and I'm sorry to hear about your loss too, especially with an older SK. I think it's natural for teenagers to start to disconnect from parents anyways, but to be a stepparent and get completely cut out is heartbreaking. 

And you're so right! People really do not understand the grief or loss that an ex stepparent experiences. I feel like none of my family or friends really grasp how hard this is. Their comforting feels comparable to consolences for losing a great great grandparent or some other natural and expected loss, not someone being torn out of your life (or you torn from theirs).