You are here

OT,but relevant-Verbal Abuse,maybe you are not crazy after all..

empatheticE's picture

I am posting this link and the some of text from the site because it in may be helpful to people who may not recognize the methods abusers will use. I have been in a seemingly perfect relationship where verbal abuse evolved into physical violence when I started to pull away from the relationship. While getting help with the DV and stalking, information was shared with me that I had to receive after being physically assaulted,and it was then that I knew I had missed or ignored all the signals and signs along the way. He never hit me during the first year,but during year I went from a confident,outgoing,happy woman,to being reclusive,depressed and anxious,with of course my SO right by my side,'supporting' me.
Anyway,if none of this info applies to you,thank God,but if you see some of these traits in your partner or yourself,get some help,and save yourself the heartache and time wasted trying to figure out why the other person is doing or saying what they are doing. Maybe because they are not as innocent or as dumb as you think,and are doing it on purpose.

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabuse.html
an excerpt...

The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.

Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}

1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4}
Categories of Verbal Abuse
The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated.

The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"

Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.

Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.

These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse.
Other Forms of Verbal Abuse
Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her.

Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.

Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.

Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.

Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.

Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.

That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner.

We have described various characteristics of verbal abuse and have even discussed the various categories of verbal abuse. Finally, I would like to provide a biblical perspective.

Comments

onehappygirl's picture

THis just described my first marriage. My Ex would "gaslight" me. After the first few years, I could always tell it was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I would usually be doing something very innocent, maybe watching TV or doing some cross-stitch. He would come in and sit in his usual spot and then sigh. Then he would sigh again. I knew I was in for a long night. Then he would just start staring at me, sighing every once in a while. So, I would ask him what was wrong, and he would turn it around and say "No, what's wrong with you." Of course, until that moment, absolutely nothing at all was wrong with me. Then he would tell me that I hadn't been acting right lately. (the last time he did this, right before I left, I told him to tell me how to act properly so we wouldn't have to go through this crap anymore. I got pushed around for that one - but it was worth it). He would say that things seemed off with me and he wasn't getting good vibes. Of course, I would respond that nothing has been wrong lately. Then he would push and push and push and do that all night long until I either made something up or completely blew up. Then when I started crying or lost my temper, he would tell me how crazy I was, that something was wrong with me and I needed help. All the while, he was acting as my rock and support and that he would get me the help I needed. The last 5 years of our marriage, I was on anti-depressants. The second I left him, I quit taking him because my anxiety was gone. I realize now that he is the one with the mental problems - it was NEVER me.

_____________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

LizzieA's picture

I've been through it too. My ex would blow up periodically--strangely enough when I was trying to address issues--and blast me. He would apply a lot of these techniques during our "sessions." His was related to alcohol and other addictions and those fought tooth and nail not to be addressed.

I have also experienced it from family members, mainly the undermining, covert abuse, joking put-downs. My sister was married to an emotional abuser and she learned well from him.