How do my husband and I become a united front?
I have a 9 yr old sd whose father thinks she can do no wrong. I have a 3 month old baby girl with him and as a first time mom I would like to think she'll do no wrong too but I know that's not true. Anyway, one night she told him to shut up and I was in the hall doing laundry, heard it and peeked around the corner and said "Young lady, we don't talk like that in this house." Her eyes bugged out like she couldn't believe I heard that and started to cry crocodile tears because she knows daddy hates to see her cry. Meanwhile, my husband is standing there defending her saying she didn't mean to say it and she was sorry!!! Excuse me? Is it me against him and his daughter? I was hurt because I felt like he was on her side and making excuses for what she said. I know this is a small issue now but I'm afraid that she will come between us and I just don't think it's right that he wants to be her friend and not father. She's a child, not an adult equal.....any thought?
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EmilyMarie - you have a lot
EmilyMarie - you have a lot to worry about if your SD9 can tell DH to shut up and he defends it then you are already in trouble. Before DH and I got married we talked about how we raise children and how no matter what we need to back each other up - we may not always agree but we never disagree in front of the children. You need to sit him down when stuff like this happens and tell him that this undermines you as an adult and his equal and that SD will pick up on this and use it to her advantage. You are right he needs to be a father not a friend - you and him need to have a huge talk and lay it out on the table.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with your telling SD that she is not to talk like that - DH was absolutely wrong in defending her. Kids are kids and will do things to push limits but they also crave discipline and being corrected they may think they wants their parents to be their friends but when it comes right down to it they want to know that their parent's love them and are there for them and the way we show that we are parents is by correcting and expecting them to be respectful and also being a parent means that our children are not our equals should not be treated as such - it really in the long run confuses them especially when they are a little older and think they are on equal footing with other adults it will just irritate the people around them. Good luck!!
Yes you are so right. The one
Yes you are so right. The one thing I can say about his parenting to sum it all up is that he hates it when his daughter is mad at him and totally wants to be her friend: a bad combination. I agree that children should not be equals of adults: for example: if we are discussing adult topics or things that just simply don't involve her as a 9 yr old, he can't ask her to leave the room. If she walks in and we're talking he stops and says we'll talk about it later when she's in bed. No! You say please leave the room we're talking about grown up things: instead she's being considered an equal to me bc she isn't expected to be the child......ugh!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to "guilt" parenting
Welcome to "guilt" parenting 101. Yes... it IS you against him and his daughter. Now I know SOME stepfamilies aren't this way, but here in this group, this seems to be the running theme. And let me just add that if dh is defending sd9 when she is telling him to SHUT UP... your problem is only going to get WORSE. He's spineless when it comes to his "baby girl" and unless he grows a spine real quick and starts respecting what you want in your own home, you are up for a long road. As far as your own child goes, you will do the majority of raising that one. And there won't ever be any problems with holding a united front with your child together... or so it's been in my situation anyway. DH likes to keep a united front with MY kids too... but his 2 were always above the rest of the family... still are and they are 20 and 22. I started telling him (out of earshot of the kids of course) that if he has a problem with something my kids do, he needs to talk to me and let me handle it how I see fit since that was how he dealt with HIS kids. He of course doesn't LIKE that idea because he has to hand over control.
How long have you been married and how long have you been dealing with this kind of thing? Has it ALWAYS been this way or just started recently?
Married for 2 years, lived
Married for 2 years, lived together for 3 years and have 1 baby together who is 2 months old. I guess it's always been this way it's just that now she lives w us full time bc her mom moved across the country and hasn't seen her for 6 months. This has made my husband feel bad for her bc her mother abandoned her. PLus, I think the new baby has created some jealousy bc she's had daddy for 9 yrs without having to share him. I guess I'm just more aware of it now bc she's here 24/7 and I take care of her when he's working. Her and I spend more time together than she does w her dad. He even does things like when he kisses me he makes sure he kisses her! WHen he says I love you he has to say it to her right after that. I know it's important to show affection and love to your child but seriously at exactly the same time as he does to me? I know it sounds like I'm jealous but that's not it: it's about he and I being the husband and wife and her being the child: there's some role reversal here or something...he's the greatest father and husband and I'm so lucky to have him, it's just this whole parenting thing creates conflict!
There have been some
There have been some discussions on here about that role reversal thing. That was one thing I didn't have to deal with. All of our kids understood the difference in adult love/marriage then parent/child love. There was never any jealousy at all in that way.
I figured there was something that was making dh feel guilty concerning sd. That's usually the case. But he cannot withhold discipline from this child just because BM is a deadbeat. He is NOT helping her by doing that. When my sk's turned about 13 and 15, dh stopped disciplining sk's when they would talk back to him. Instead, he would argue with them... oh my the monsters he created because of this... sheesh. But I know why he did it. We had gotten the kids back when BM was thrown in jail for meth a few months before. When she was sentenced, she was ordered NO CONTACT for 3 years with the sk's. DH called and had BM's phone contact restored (which I agreed they needed... she was 2500 miles away and couldn't SEE them). After that, it didn't matter how hateful the kids got with him, he would argue with them instead of discipline them. And now every time he's around them they end up arguing... there's NO respect at all, and eventually, sd20 decided that she could talk to ME like that too because she was an adult and didn't live under my roof anymore. Well, I am now disengaged and refuse to talk to her at all and won't let my kids anywhere near her. She wants to be an "adult" she can learn what treating family like crap gets for you. DH wouldn't intervene when she talked to me like a dog either. I was on my own... so I refuse to deal with it.
My point being, dh has to get over the fact that BM is a loser and he has to raise his child with the mind that he is raising her to be a responsible, self sufficient, respectful, caring adult. His discipline needs to reflect what he wants the end result to be. If he doesn't start now by supporting you and your rules, this little girl will NEVER respect you, OR HIM.
Do you know anyone with
Do you know anyone with children whose parents are weak and as a result, their children are awful?
We have some wonderful family friends who we just love but their children are ROTTEN. Do you know why? Because their mother was beaten as a young girl and their father grew up in a strict house so when they had these children they vowed to not be awful or mean or strict or lay out any rules. As a result, these two kids have been horrible and I mean straight BRATS.
DH and I talked about this one day and agreed that they are the reminder of why we have to be a team on parenting issues ... and no matter what, if we do it right, the boys will respect him when they are older.
I guess what I am trying to say is ... you guys need to agree on ground rules for both kids and respectfully address WHY you believe in these rules and maybe that will lay the foundation for you as a TEAM?