Things keep improving - just have some questions on handling BM?
Hey everybody!
Me again. Last update was the successful removal of the SD18 infestation that made us so sick in our home. Things have been great. House is quiet. Counseling is still a huge success for us - we communicate so much better than we ever have before.
So, some more news. We got MARRIED on September 1 this year. SD18 was actually a bridesmaid, and both SS's were ushers. SD22 refused to attend (hatred for me/new job/loyalty to MUM) It was a SPECTACULAR event - I had a wonderful day. We had the ceremony outside on our farm - pictures turned out beautiful. We had just over 100 guests. Small scale wedding - easier to manage! No one left unhappy. We were happy and all smiles - definitely the best day of our lives.
I'm now a healthy six months pregnant with my first child (ours). DH's kids all know - SD18 claims to be excited for us. The two SS's show indifference/slight happiness for us. SD22 had NOTHING to do with us or me. So I've not one CLUE what she says or thinks about it, nor do I give a sh*t. BM is atrociously upset and vents to friends, family members, neighbors, neighbors' pets - and finds herself the victim of PTSD, she's frightened for her poor children and their now-divided father, she's not sleeping good, and just two weeks ago she had to go get a nose job due to extreme self-consciousness brought on by her divorce.
On the day of our wedding - BM appeared at the reception not once, but three times. Being that many of our wedding guests were lifelong friends of DH, she found it appropriate to get out of her van and mingle with all these old friends and proceeded to try to enter the reception since she laughingly claimed to want to see "what a joke" this wedding really turned out to be. She got called out by one of our guests for wanting to compare notes, and she then attempted to slap that guest across the face before storming off for her first exit. About an hour later (Note: the hall at which we held our reception is more than a half-hour drive from the town where BM lives. Did she park on the side of the road to come back right away - or did she drive all the way home just to turn right back around again? I'll never know.) she showed up again - this time wanting to come right in to sort me out after I had upset SD18 for not agreeing to throw out my bartender's daughter (high school drama/bs) As far as I knew, SD18 had gotten over it - but I guess not. So BM showed up in full rage mode and was met outside by two of my bridesmaids, who very firmly told her to stay in her van and go home. She pulled out her phone and told them she would phone the police if they didn't let her in - and they told her to go head. She took off again. The night continued (DH nor I had any clue that she'd shown up period at this stage) and finally at the end of the night she showed up again and waited outside in her van for the kids and took them home.
The next morning DH's niece informs me that BM went onto Facebook to vent. "So today my now ex-husband of 25 years gets married, 10 months after our divorce. I wish him and his new young bride of 20 something the best and since he is going to be a dad again I really hope he doesn't forget about his own children as they really need their dad." I told my niece I didn't care - I still don't. I was, however, more than a little creeped out when I first learnt about her visits to the hall the night before.
So fast forward to now. It's a little over a month after our wedding. We are doing well. No issues between us or with his kids. But BM - once every few days, a text about feelings or concerns about DH - nothing at all about the kids. Thursday two weeks ago - "I just came out of a major surgery, I think I almost died. I woke up crying and screaming your name. If you still care about me."
Then Tuesday last week. "So by the time you get home from work tomorrow - I'll have SD22 moved into her old room at the farm again. I know you'll think this is rude since I'm not asking if it's okay - but SD22 is evicted from her home and this is your obligation so I'm not giving you the choice." DH waited until he and I were seated for supper, to show me the texts. After we talked, I clearly expressed the same feelings as he - SD22 is a crackhead thief and we had only JUST ran into her landlord days before this who said that SOME were getting evicted but NOT her. So a) no way would we take her in, especially after the aggression with me in 2014, and the jokes she'd made only last year about kicking me in the stomach or throwing me down a flight of stairs if I ever got pregnant and b) we didn't believe that BM was telling the truth to begin with. DH responded with, "Stay off our property. SD22 isn't coming here to live." and she sent him one back with "You won't help your own daughter!?!?!?!?! She owns a room in that house - it's NOT YOUR CHOICE!" and he had to text back with "Cops will be called. Anyone over legal age is going to get charged." and she finally left him alone. We found out this Sunday that indeed it was a lie, and SD22 was never kicked out to begin with.
So I suppose the reason I'm here - I just want to ask you guys - have you dealt with this level of obsession from BM? How did you guys handle it? I've been speaking privately with my councilor and am considering meeting with my lawyer yet again - but this time the harrassment is from her to DH - not really me in any direct way, until my home gets physically trespassed onto or broken into. Just gathering thoughts/ opinions!
- Emereldess's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Wow! Bitter Party of One!
Wow! Bitter Party of One!
We dealt with some of that. BM here was slightly more classy, and wouldn't have shown up at an event like that, but she did once try to push her way in our house (DH's only at the time). She claimed it was out of concern for SS's welfare, but DH pushed her out and slammed the door in her face. She was horrified and called the police, who told her that SHE could be arrested, as it was never her house. DH then told her to stay off his property and she has to this day.
She also tried all kinds of manipulation to force him to engage with her in a variety of ways. Your DH handled the move in issue BEAUTIFULLY. He should just ignore everything from now on, unless it requires a response like the one he gave. The kids are all over 18, no need to communicate with BM at all.
DH did that with BM and she hated it. She still tries to find ways to engage him (court is the only way she can force him to engage now), but life is much more peaceful now.
Woooowww. Just wow. You're a
Woooowww. Just wow. You're a saint for putting up with that!
My situation isn't this bad but I can say that restraining orders should be called for. I'm not sure what the law is like in Canada, but that's what I would aim for. I can't believe she barged in on your wedding THREE times!! That's literally insane, and sooooo pathetic. It's crazy she doesn't see how desparate she's coming off. The daughters are adults now, your husband has no obligation to give them a home. In a perfect world, they would have a place to stay as long as they can be respectful of those who pay for the home. It sounds like this isn't the case.
The wonderful thing here is your husband completely supports you and feels the same way about how to address this woman. That's the most you can ask for. He shuts her down and considers your feelings. Congratulations on your marriage and pregnancy!!!! Good luck and keep us posted on any more shenanigans :)
Your husband needs to tell BM
Your husband needs to tell BM somehow that "HE DIVORCED HER , NOT THE KIDS". My DH had to do that and it made her die down and this was after 5 years. Don't wait that long to make it clear to her that he has moved on and that the skids are not little kids and she doens't need to faciltate or interfere with HIS relationship with them. Draw those boundaries firm and loudly so she can't miss them.
He can do it to her face or as my DH did, send an email, so she can read it over and over until it sinks in. I also recommend if you send the email, write it and include some embarassing info on her so she won't share it and use it against him. I think I still have it on my computer somewhere. If you chose this route and need help, just shoot me a pm.
BM should have been hauled off in cuffs for showing up at your wedding IMO. She only made herself look ridiculous.
Congratulations on your
Congratulations on your marriage!
It's not at all uncommon for high conflict BMs or skids to ramp up bad behavior after a wedding. It's proof that the husband/father has moved on, there's a new sheriff in town, and the First Family unit is officially ended. It may get worse before tapering off, but thankfully you have a husband who doesn't operate from guilt or.weakness and he seems to be handling his baggage well.
For peace of mind, you could consult with a solicitor to clarify what your rights are regarding protecting yourself, your unborn baby, and your property from a HCBM and a junkie skid. Don't hesitate to do what's necessary to create a peaceful bubble for your new family
Thank you all for your input
Thank you all for your input and the congratulations! We are very happy these days despite the nonsenses I mentioned above.
I’ve been concerned that filing a restraining order would seem over reactive but in the same breath I have a very serious fear of abuse both mental and physical, after the many episodes we’ve been through over the years leading up to this point. I do feel I have enough evidence to provide valid reasoning for requesting such a thing and I know DH would be fine with it. I’ve also heard tell of the power of NO TRESPASSING signs and a property owner’s extra rights associated with having a few of those signs hanging around.
We changed all our locks and have security cameras set up. But we were definitely anxious last week - I won’t lie, after her little texting bout. We wondered if she wouldn’t load up SD22 anyway and sit waiting to ambush us in our driveway, so we actually skipped our place and had friends check to see if they were brazen enough to show up and wait because we would have phoned the police right then.
Valid point though - he should be sending her a closing statement of some sort saying that he is DONE WITH HER now and forever and that the only communication from her to him should be relevant to the two ss’s that are not quite of age yet. And I have even wondered if it would be detrimental for him to block her cell number and refuse to communicate any way other than by email, limited to once or twice per day at an absolute maximum. I feel like she would lose a lot of the wind in her sails that way and might finally lay off. BUT - I should note here too - her communication with him has actually gone WAY DOWN since our wedding. Once per week as opposed to ten times per day like before. So I’m not sure if I should wait this out a bit longer or take some action sooner than later. No matter what I don’t want to escalate anything or make myself the catalyst to a great big shit storm of drama.
Don't block her if he has
Don't block her if he has kids under 18 (sorry, I read your OP wrong) - just ignore anything that doesn't require a response, and if they are teens, there shouldn't be much to talk about. Ignore, ignore, ignore. DH did this expertly with BM and after a while, she did give up. And don't respond to the things that are supposedly about the kids, but just a ruse to get a response. It will die down eventually.
I don't think you need a restraining order, she isn't threatening anyone (in the US, you probably couldn't get one), but DH can threaten her with harrassment charges. Good boundaries from DH should do the trick.
Just beware - while our BM stopped the crazy crap, she isn't gone. She's now using court as a way to engage DH, and for that he MUST respond. There is a chance yours isn't really crazy, just divorce crazy - time will tell.
Email-only communication is
Email-only communication is legit. BM is supposed to use it but she texts also, because she is too important to follow rules. But she is not allowed to call, and when she tries anyway, DH doesn't answer. He doesn't have caller ID at work, so when she has tried to call him there, he'd hang up immediately. She used to call him there 4x/day, but he filed a police report, and showed them his work policy stating that personal phonecalls are frowned upon. They told her to leave him alone.
We have reported her for calling our home, but the police can't stop her from calling our house if SD is there. So we set her ringtone to silent on our home phone, she has to leave a message or send a text if she wants SD to call her. BM won't leave messages because she knows she can't behave correctly, and feels like it's beneath her to comply. And BM has gotten into trouble for the inappropriate texts she has sent in the past, so she rarely texts, either. It seems like our calling the police on her *might* have gotten it through her pea brain that DH is not secretly pining for her, which is what she thought for years, saying that he "wanted" to talk to her but I was too controlling to allow him.
Our CO states that she has to stay in her car during pickup/dropoffs. If she ever tried to show up on non-exchange days, we would send her a Trespass Warning Letter, certified, and CC the local PD. Then we would have her arrested if she trespassed. You can find samples of TWLs online.
Don't let her bait you, she will try. Stay classy.
It seems like in proportion to the massive amount of crazies out there, actual assaults and murders are low. But if she has assaulted you in the past, she is more likely. She is creepy for sure. But if her assault was more than six months ago, you probably couldn't get and RO for it now, but if she's that crazy she wouldn't respect an RO anyway.