Stupid hills to die on
In this tug-of-war we call stepparenting, have you dealt with a kid who is oppositional to the point of hurting themselves? SD now 20 was just that way, and looking back on it I just have to shake my head because she hasn't changed or grown up.
One example: SD (about age 10) wanted to take horseback riding lessons. We knew a place, we knew the cost, we were willing to foot the bill. But I told SD that if she was going to do lessons, she needed to wear jeans. Not shorts, not capri pants, not sweatpants, jeans. This is to protect her legs but also was required by the instructor. We even went out and let her pick out a pair of jeans she liked and that fit her. SD flat out refused to wear the jeans. DH was all for letting her have her way and wear something else, but I stood firm. SD never, ever took a single riding lesson. And every time the topic came up, DH would just give me this reproachful look like it was my fault, instead of looking at SD and telling her SHE was the reason the lessons were not happening. This went on for years.
Another example: SD (about age 10)liked to have her hair french braided. I am pretty good at it. SD wanted me to french braid her hair but I was resistant because 1. she had a ton of hair 2. she rarely brushed it 3. she was a pain in the backside 4. she wouldn't ask me directly but went through DH to put on the pressure. So I did it the first time, her hair was snarly, she whined and complained, it took me forever, and she was less than grateful. So I told her and DH that if I was to do it again, she needed to brush her hair thoroughly first. She refused to do it. DH would ask me no less than weekly to braid her hair and every time I would say, "As soon as she brushes it good." It didn't happen. DH would just give me this reproachful look and ask why I couldn't brush it for her.
Well, now SD is 20 and was a holy terror to me for years, and I no longer want her in my house. I told DH that as soon as she admits what she did wrong to me and apologizes, she can give it another go. SD would rather cut off her arm than do that, and DH tries about every six months to see if I have given up and will allow her back. Um, as soon as she does what I said before (admit and apologize). It hasn't happened yet, I don't think it's ever going to happen.
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And how many years did the
And how many years did the hair thing go on and never once did your dh brush out his own daughters hair. Gave you the look because you didn't want to do it, kept hounding you about it....but never lifted a finger himself.
Actually, I think he did
Actually, I think he did brush it for her once or twice in order to force me to braid it (put your money where your mouth is). But he didn't enjoy brushing it any more than I did, and he finally gave up as SD was putting in no effort and there's only so long (theoretically) you can baby a child before you cripple them. At least he eventually figured that out.
Its bad enough that you had
Its bad enough that you had to put up with all of that but what a shame bc it sounds like your DH put even more on your shoulders with the guilt trips. Maybe deep down he knows that she is hopeless.. }:)
I think he knows she is
I think he knows she is hopeless, but weirdly it just makes him give her even more latitude with regard to her behavior, and he makes more excuses for her (she wasn't raised the right way, etc.). Um, you and BM raised her, so whose fault is that?