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Grrr, the passive-aggressive crap kicks into overdrive (OT)

Elizabeth's picture

So Dh and I are still fighting from last weekend. My two main complaints:

He is lazy.
He pulls passive-aggressive crap all the time.

So, going to pick up oldest BD from camp tomorrow, DH mentioned seeing if he could get off work and accompany us. He went with to drop her off last weekend. I had to take the day off work tomorrow to go get her. (If I'd know he could get the day off, it might have saved me the trip and the day off from work at a not-opportune time, but whatever.)

He texts me today wanting to know should he ask for the day off or let me have some girls-only time with them. I told him it was up to him. He texts me back asking what I want, I don't answer (I already told him it was up to him.) So he texts again saying he knows he doesn't make me happy so if I would prefer to be alone with our bios he will understand.

What ... the ... hell?! Passive-aggressive crap again! So if I say don't come, you can tell the girls how you wanted to come but mommy said no? I don't think so. Plus he would take it out on me in subtle ways for weeks to come, I have no doubt. Since when do grown men not grow the hell up?!


Cadence's picture

Yes, I think he's making assumptions and is being passive aggressive. Buuuuut...

"He texts me back asking what I want, I don't answer (I already told him it was up to him.)"

Not answering him was passive aggressive of you, wasn't it? I feel like you were mad that you had to take the day off and he hadn't told you that he could possibly do it, so you were already feeling negative toward him. And that's the real reason you didn't answer him, not because he already had the information. He wanted to know how you felt about him being there. He was looking to his wife for reassurance, which she held back from him.

Honestly, it takes two. What would have been the harm in responding "I'd love for you to come if you're able".

Also, would it have been hard to say (when you originally found out he might take the day off to come with) "I'm feeling sort of disappointed that I didn't know that you could take that day off. It's really busy at work and if I knew that, I'd have asked you to go instead of me."

You two have communication problems, and it's not just DH. With that said, he's not here so I'm not hearing his side of the story, so I can't give him advice.

I hope you take this as well-intentioned and not picking on you. I'm just trying to give you perspective that you may be lacking.

Sometimes it takes just one person to start acting like a loving partner to get the relationship that they want. What's the harm in trying? Instead of punishing him, try being loving. Instead of doubting him, try being trusting. Instead of withholding, be giving. Sometimes that's all it takes to see your guy turn around and be the man you want him to be. They thrive when we love and respect them, and it makes them want to be better men for us.

thinkthrice's picture

I guess you haven't been following Elizabeth's blogs for very long--oh probably about eight YEARS worth.

Elizabeth's picture

I appreciate that you're trying to help. I really do. But I have been "loving" for 13 years and all it has gotten me is being treated like a drudge and a pack mule. I already told him we would be glad to have him come. I'm at work. I can't keep answering his texts and reassuring him. I'm not at all mad at him for having to take the day off work. I'm mad at him because over the weekend he admitted that he has NEVER in our 13 years of marriage helped me pack for any sort of planned trip because "I don't do it the way he thinks it should be done." Yep. So he admits he has passively-aggressively punished me by not helping AT ALL. I pack everything, all food, clothes, etc. (except his own clothes, I draw the line there), and then I make multiple trips to haul them all to the car and fit them in the trunk. Our BDs will help me, but not DH. And I feel like why make them help if their own father won't raise a finger? It's just a lot of that sort of thing that make me reluctant to act all "loving." I'm not feeling very loving, if you understand why.

Cadence's picture

Sorry, Elizabeth. I get it. You seem at the end of your rope with someone who has disappointed you over and over.

And he seems selfish and needy. Has he always been this way and you just didn't see it? Or was this something that changed in him?

Elizabeth's picture

He's really good at showing the "outside world" how awesome he is. He would fall all over himself to do something for a friend. Because that makes him look good. So that's all I saw while we were dating. Once we married, I became not the "outside world," and doing things for me didn't net him the "high" of public recognition and admiration, so he stopped. Honestly, he treats his co-workers with more respect and appreciation than he treats me. One of the women he works with asked him to babysit! With our two BDs, he's simply "in the building" but does not interact with him in any sort of meaningful way. But if there hadn't been a conflict, I guarantee you he would have agred to babysit and then tried to drop that baby in my lap to take care of. Definitely selfish and undeniably needy. And after 13 years my "give a damn" is 'bout near busted.

Elizabeth's picture

Yep, and DH needs constant attention and reassurance, so if he doesn't get it from me there is something wrong with me (not him) and I just need to get over the problem and move on and go back to treating him like he's the best thing to come into my life since sliced bread. Blech.

IslandGal's picture

I hear you loud and clear! My SO does it to me all the time and I'm getting to the point where I just wanna head butt him when he does it.

One thing he does, that just makes me crazy is with his gardening equipment. He'll fuss and and whine that only HE knows how to work the lawn mower. When it's time to do the grass, I'll let him know that my Son's are there to help him. He'll say something like.."oh no, it's ok..they don't know what they're doing, so I'll just do it..sigh!..".. aarrghh!! My boys are not stupid. They have mowed lawns before. They might not be used to his lawnmower, but it's easy enough for him to show them. He'll just go ahead and mow it, then wait for me to rush outside, be appropriately in awe of the job he did, and totally expects me to fall at his feet in gratitude.

I swear, Men! *bangs head on desk*