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BM in foreclosure/bankruptcy - does anyone have experience here?

Elise's picture

First of all: I've asked for advise twice from this group and both times was steered me in a positive direction with positive results. SO THANKYOU! There really is such value in seeking advise from different view points before acting. This is a great forum!

My husband's ex has always had financial issues due to erratic spending habits. One major reason behind their divorce. They had a rather large settlement in the divorce and she's gone through it in 3 years. Now she is in major debt and her house is in foreclosure ready to be auctioned off next week. We only know this b/c creditors call our house constantly looking for her ....Thinking something was up we looked online and found the foreclosure info. My husband has had conversations about it in the past with her and she just flippantly says "I'll just file biggy". Now it looks like she'll lose the house.

For background, in numerous custody battles she used HIS lack of stability in home (he was renting vs. bought) as a reason against him. She stressed how incapable he was of caring for the kids b/c of his career. NOW she's the one with an unstable home and has the children in daycare all the time. We have been able to buy a home and he and I have both changed our career so we are home with the kids when they aren't in school. It went to court again this summer b/c we wanted them to go to school in our neighborhood ....far better schools, no need for daycare and the kids can participate in extra curricular activities. Bottom line - we lost. Our judge valued stability over all other factors and thus ruled against a change of schools. Which I can respect.

But now it looks like they'll be out of their home. It breaks my heart on one hand. The other hand wonders if this could result in a change in our favor. I know totally not nice of me to think that way. I really do want whats best for the boys. I want them to have a stable home on all counts. Anyways...if anyone has experience dealing with legal financial issues and how (or if it even does) relates to child custody. I'd really appreciate it.


Candice's picture

but I still don't have encouraging words for you for change of custody. I saw that you are in CA, and from my understanding, CA is a pro mom state.

We seriously tried to get custody of my ss when he was 6, bm is an alcoholic that at that time changed jobs every 3 months, moved every 4 months, went through 3 lawyers in 12 months, and ss in the meantime had been to 3 different schools by the time he was in the 2nd grade, had 3 rotting teeth in his mouth (with a letter from the dentist), bm refused to take him to th dentist, and refused to let us have him to take him to the dentist....and the list continues....

I won't bore you with all my details, but I'm not optimistic that you will be successful in changing custody b/c she is losing her home. The way the system looks at it, she will be able to live with family or rent an apartment, bottom line, she probably will continue to put a roof over their head. It's sad that she is able to paint an ugly picture of their dad in a courtroom, but when the tides change, and she is no longer a "stable" homeowner, the weight just isn't the same for mothers.

Our attorney told us..."judges feel that it is more detrimental to remove the children from their mothers than it is to leave them in the instability that they already know..."

If your attorney disagrees with me great! but I just want you to know my experience in custody battles have not been favorable for fathers, even when bm's seriously demonstrate constant instability and susbtance abuse.

I wish I could give you a more optimistic approach...sorry,

Elise's picture

It's such a bummer. It frustrates me how impartial some things can be. That's crazy you have no rights when she is an alcoholic, irresponsible blah blah blah. I am sorry for you to. When my husband and I first split he went down a road of alcoholism and coke abuse. My lawyer kept telling me the burden of proof was on me and it would be a long expensive battle. Luckily he got a DUI which at least kept him from driving her. AKA limited visitation. And then it made him turn his life around.

You are right. There's probably nothing that can be done you are right. Except be supportive of the kids of course.


Candice's picture

I know I don't think we should just rip kids away from parents, but I certainly do believe both parents play vital roles in the upbringing of their children, and I am disappointed too that fathers don't get more credit than they do.

All mothers have to do is act like a victim, and they are treated as such, and the fathers' are penalized both financially and psychologically with their kids. It's this manipulation that robs the kids of their childhood, and that is the most frustrating part.

Just do you best to support your dh to be the best father he can be, and support his kids the best way you know how. Additionally, know that you can't save the world for the kids and know when to let go, when you let go of the things you know you can't change you save your own sanity. Sometimes you have to become numb to the facts in order to be able to sleep at night. It sucks.

Sorry to sound so negative, there are a lot of positive aspects about having blended families too, just sometimes hard to remember that when you have to deal with unfair boundaries.


klinder180's picture

Your husbands name was on the mortgage you need to talk to an attorney who has divorce and bankruptcy experience. Right now, not next week.


Elise's picture

Thanks. It's a new house she bought post divorce. I appreciate your concern.