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Yet another terrible portrayal of step-life article

Elea's picture

https://www.indy100.com/viral/dad-daughter-wedding-day-reddit

The title is "Dad Slammed for Refusing to Take Picture with his Daughter on her Wedding Day" but really should be called yet another "slam the 'evil' Step-Mother" story.

Comments

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Reddit is such a toxic place for stepparents.  I refuse to read anything that has to do with step families on there because it's always the step mother's fault.

hereiam's picture

But, it was an unnecessary tantrum by the step-mother, it's a damn photo at a one-in-a-lifetime (hopefully) event.

There is nothing wrong with a daughter wanting a picture with her parents on her wedding day. It doesn't make them a couple. Really petty of the step-mother, in my opinion.

Sometimes, in certain circumstances, a man needs to stand up to his wife, just like we expect him to stand up to his ex. Just because he lives with the wife, doesn't make her right, all of the time.

missgingersnap2021's picture

I'm sorry but after reading the article it sounded like the daughter was the one having a temper tantrum and acting immature and only thinking of what she wanted. Like asking her father to leave her wedding. That's over the top. And for all we know her saying that the stepmom acted a certain way and said certain things is really just hearsay and who's to not know if the father used his new wife as an excuse not to pose for the pictures Maybe he didn't have big enough kahunnas to tell his daughter HE didn't want to pose for the pictures. 

Elea's picture

for SD's to take whatever configuration of photos they want on their wedding day. No way would I, or DH for that matter, display a photo of him, BM and SD's in our home but it's fine if it brings SD happiness. There is probably more to the story such as SD left SM out of all the wedding photos and the SM finally had enough when SD asked BM to join in with her husband. This is why it's so important for SM's to remember not to wrap their identity up too tightly with being a SM. If you ask SM's friends and family about who we are you'll get a very different story than the "evil SM" story. Most friends either don't know or care about us being SM's and family just thinks of us as us, not in the narrative of "evil" SM that the media wants to portray us as. If you ask my friends about my SDiablas they would not have a bad word to say about them because I rarely bring them up in our conversations ... I have better things to talk about ... can't say the same thing about SD's and toxic BM's friends ... They are loudmouth bullls in the china shop that talk sh*t about me and DH to whomever will let them bend their ear. They slander their own name in our town. So bizarre.

Stepdrama2020's picture

We dont know what led up to this. Could be the SM is a toxic insecure witch that gives poisoned apples to the skids. OR so much led up to this and it was her final straw. Personaly I woulve not made a scene, but again walk a mile in a SM's shoes right?

So tired of seeing these types of articles. The SD sounded so grounded and she just wanted a pic of daddio and momsey, that in itself is ok, uncomfortable yes, but understandable. There has to be more leading up to this. Maybe the SM was seated at the kiddies table, excluded from every photo even though she had been in SD's life a long time.  Maybe SD always played the role of mini wife and spent years excluding the SM. There are always 3 sides to a story, but often we only get one.

We know how it can go. How shitty the ride is for the SM. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Or there isn't more to the story and SM really was being an a-hole.

We have to remember that our situations on this site are on the opposite extreme as "bonus parents" that co-parent from shared duplexes. Beyond us are the purely evil SPs (and on the other end are the folks who go beyond "bonus" straight to claiming their SKs and getting offended when they don't get the same rights as the BPs).

It's *very* easy for us to see these situations as SM/SF getting manipulated. However, all because we can heavily empathize with a SP doesn't mean we shouldn't exercise caution and accept that there are bad apples who have given us the "evil" moniker because they ARE evil. 

I'm not saying there can't be more to that story. I'm just saying that we can't assume that there is because the SM gets painted in a bad light. If what the SD wrote is true, SM was way out of line. And personally, I think SM is out of line no matter what. Even if SD was a disrespectful, hateful brat, SM has the option of disengaging and not being involved in the wedding...and accepting that her DH is going to be involved as he is comfortable. It's silly to get upset about a photo that will never be in your home and captured a lie for a delusional kidult. Like you said, the people who matter to SM know who she is and what she's about; anything else is noise.

Elea's picture

As soon as "evil" SK's, "evil Step-Dad's"  and "evil" Dad's and Mom's get equal representation then I am fine with "evil" SM stories but historically and as of now society scapegoats SM's. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Idk, everyone is acting like having a photo with just you and your bioparents together is some kind of basic need or basic human right, up there with food/clothing/shelter and personal safety. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Agreeeeeew it's 2022 get a pic with how life really is and not how the step kids would like it to be 

missgingersnap2021's picture

I agree 100% too! I wouldn't love standing there watching DH pose for pictures with BM and SD but I'm fully prepared for her to want that to happen and would say nothing. But seriously it just annoys me that skids even think that type of posing for pics is necessary. Maybe if the divorce parents got along and had a good relationship but in our case my husband talks to BM is absolutely little as possible and hates her. I know personally I wouldn't want a picture in my photo album or framed in my home of a fake illusion

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Ok we do not know the FULL of this SM and SD. I would slightly have to agree with SM only because I  know how my situation is with my SD and BM. Kids need to accept the fact that the parents are no longer together I don't care what event it's for they need to repsoect their parents and current situation in their lives. Having a fake pic of mommy and daddy together is not good for anyone . Why not have the SM join in the photo and if BM has a husband let him join too! That's a real family photo . When my sister graduated or got married my

sister never ever pushed for my mom and dad to pose together with her like a family ( mom and divorced for years) that would be probably embarrassing . My step mother was always included in our family event photos and we didn't always have the best relationship with her but that was my fathers wife and we accepted that . I personally would not pose in a photo with my ex and son, that would be insulting to my DH. I would rather my ex pose with his girlfriend, me and DH or my ex and his girlfriend for one photo with Bs and then we could do one . That's just my thought

PetSpoiler's picture

The article is so vague.  It's too vague to determine if the SM is indeed being childish or not.  On the surface, it seems that she is.  The SD just wants a picture with her bio parents.  But why?  Does she have a fantasy of her bio parents getting back together?  Does she just want a picture of the three of them together and that's it?  Or has she been trying to cause problems for years and the SM had enough, the straw that broke the camel's back sort of thing?  Without knowing the background, it's hard to say.  It's easy to assume that the SM is just being petty but we don't know what else is going on behind the scenes.  

I don't understand the whole thing about that coveted picture with both bio parents.  SS had no fantasy about dh and bm getting back together by the time he was grown.  They broke up before he was born.  If he wanted them back together at some point I don't know because he never expressed it.  He didn't ask DH and BM to take any pictures together other than the group pictures that included me, my bios, MIL, etc.  He did have a pic made of him and DH, then of him and BM but that's it.  I was up front and actually sat between DH and BM at the wedding.  Everyone just sat where they wanted at the reception.  

I didn't care about having any made of me and my parents together either at mine. It was mostly group pics and my dad was in one with me and dh.  My SM wasn't able to come but she would have been included if she had been able to be there.  I accepted that my parents were divorced and dad was remarried.   Am I the odd one?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I know that some people place greater importance on having "that perfect photo" than i do. I have to say, though, what is so crucial about having a picture of your parents together, if you are an adult and they are no longer together? We talk a lot on this site about wants vs needs, and a photo op does not sound like a need to me.

I can see how an adult child may want to have a photo of them together, from back when they were together (to keep for themseves, though, not to put it up in stepmom's living room.) But, to want to pose them together now, after they have broken up? People talk like this is something the kid needs in order to have a fulfilling life. I don't get it. 

strugglingSM's picture

I'm sure there's more to the story, but I agree with the comments above that the SM should have just stayed out of it. It could also be that dad didn't want to be in the photo and blamed his wife. I know my DH would not want to be in a photo with BM...fortunately, he only has sons with her, so wedding photos shouldn't be an issue. If I go to either SSs weddings, maybe I'll just go and sit in the corner and not say anything like silent SIL and one SS did at our wedding. In all honestly, if they don't want me there, I won't go. I don't need to be honored as DH's wife.

Crr18's picture

How about those photos they take  on senior nights etc for school when the parents walk on the football field etc with their children. There is nothing either parent can do I am guessing?  

Monkeysee's picture

Based on what I read (knowing there's always more that we aren't aware of), both SM and SD behaved horribly. I find it telling that the SD called out the SM for her tantrum, yet had a full blown tantrum herself by kicking them out of her reception & cancelling the father daughter dance etc. Then escalated it saying how he can have that chance with his second daughter, and all that nonsense. My guess is she's been high conflict & that's where the SM's attitude came from.

At the same time, it’s one freaking picture. Is it that big of a deal to stand on the side and let the bride have her moment? Even if there's more to it & SM felt hurt, did she really have to throw a tantrum like that? They both behaved poorly, based solely on what I read. The SD doesn't get a pass though, her behaviour was also rotten. As disappointing as that must have been there are more mature ways of handling her emotions towards her dad. 

Elea's picture

of bratzillas I would know to step-aside and watch the show with bemusement but I could see a new SM making the mistake of thinking that family members will actually take her feelings into consideration. But yeah, we don't know the whole story. Maybe this SM is just a controlling b*tch ... knowing how passive aggressive and hostile mean girls SD's can be ... my bet is on there is more to the story.

justmakingthebest's picture

Who knows what really went down? I don't see an issue of wanting a pic with the bio parents only. Obviously divorce happens or this wouldn't even be an issue. I think as long as it was just a mom and dad pic and then mom/dad and spouses pic, things would be fine but maybe the bride didn't want SM in any pictures- which would be hurtful. Maybe SD has been a horrible person to SM for years and the reason that Stepdad is so wonderful is that BM removed his balls and he has never been able to even cock an eyebrow at the princess her whole life. 

I also know that some SM's are bad and are horrible people, BM2 certainly fit that evil stepmother stereotype. The things SS21 endured due to her were really bad. She was sneaky and used his disabilities to justify her behavior. DH didn't understand the gravity until the marriage was over anyway. 

Basically we have no idea what happened behind closed doors and for how long, so casting judgement on one event is pointless. 

Winterglow's picture

What struck me was, right at the beginning, she said:

My parents are divorced and don't get along..."

Given that, she should have let it drop once her father refused. She should have let it go at that point. However, after saying that she wanted a "traditional wedding", she then went on to throw her father out of the wedding entirely - no speech, no father-daughter dance. She shot her self in the foot. Personally, I found that to be incredibly childish, as was her reaction when her father phoned to try to mend bridges the following day.

The SM threw a tantrum but the bride made an exhibition of herself. I don't know the ins and outs of the situation but when someone declines to do something that you knew they weren't going to want to do, be the bigger person and let it go.

advice.only2's picture

Yet another click bait article to get people gnashing their teeth and clutching their pearls over a very one sided story.  I'm shocked they didn't refer to the SM as a "Karen".

CajunMom's picture

I've long since learned this StepHell  "lesson" of photoptype events. Only two have happened in my time and both times, I did not expect nor really want to be in photos with DH's kids. We are NOT a family so why the "fake" tributes? This will never be a hill for me to die on. They can take pics of and with each othert til the cows come home.

As for this article, much is left to wonder. And both daughter and wife acted ridiculous. I don't find it wrong for a daughter to want a photo with her biological parents at her wedding or anytime. I actually encouraged my DH to take a pic with his daughter and BM at her graduation. They had a life before me. I had a life before him. As I said...this would not be a hill for me to die on. I've had way too many other "issues" with DHs kids to add a photo to the pile. To each his own, though.

Elea's picture

I agree, not a hill to die on. The thing that bothers me about this article, and the gazillion articles like it, is the portrayal of SM as an evil B. Where are the stories where a SM was the unselfish party?

Even when SK's become adults it's still a controlling, selfish SM rather than maybe the SK's or other's in the family have some role?

There is a constant feed of stories of "Step-Dad walks the bride down the isle ..." So heartwarming ... blah blah blah ... but you'll never see a story about how SM was asked to take the place of Mother-of-the-Bride .... She'd probably be portrayed as not knowing her place or overshadowing BM.

CajunMom's picture

We never hear anything about crazy BMs or good SMs. After 16 years, I've learned to embrace the wicked and all though it's rare that  I have to defend myself in that role, I just tell the negative party with, "You want to take my place?" That usually shuts it down and more often brings up empathy, once they hear that. But yeah...what about all the others in the blended mess?

CLove's picture

As I read this. Overwhelmingly told her shes NTA. That she was completely justified in her punishment of her father.

Shes the A$$hole. SM was the A$$hole. Dad was the A$$hole. I get that its "just one piic", but why perpetuate the fallacy of a "happy bio family" where it doesnt exist? I would not like it if this occurred, but I probably wouldnt react until later. Plus I doubt this would happen, anyway.

Stepdrama2020's picture

I read the comments and yes overwhelmingly the responses saidthe bride didnt do anything wrong. The SM is a jealous, insecure, ball holder of DH. Yada yada yada

All three of them seemed over the top. BUT wow jealous lil bride telling daddio good thing he has another daughter. Seems like she is jealous, resentful of daddios family with the SM. She had no respect towards daddio, who probably foot the bill, as to no photos with the ex. I mean whats the big deal? With or without both parents in the same photo she still had photos seperately of them there. Then to kick daddio out because of a photo? Nope, because daddio is not with BM thats where her anger is, and she couldnt hold it back.

Now this is just my opinion, and dang as much as I barely tolerated exSD and BM I wouldve stayed quiet and let the happy ex family take a picture. Let the ex SD live in her make believe life.

Gotta love steplife

Guranteed the SM has had to put up with a bitter BM  for many years. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

I wish when and if SD get married someday I could just skip the whole thing and go away by mself somewhere that weekend. Hell even scheduling a colonscopy would be more fun!

CajunMom's picture

a wedding or any event you don't want to attend with SD. I was actually invited to DH's oldest son's wedding. I did NOT attend. And while one can give excuses (prior engagement, sick, colonoscopy), I chose to completely ignore the invite. Before the total disengagement here, I actually made excuses to not attend SK events. DH went and enjoyed my day. It's very do-able. 

Stressed19's picture

Does a grown adult need a picture of her parents together when they are not? They haven't resolved that trauma? It should not be mandatory. Nor should the bride get offended if declined regardless of the reason! If the parents have a relationship where THEY feel it sincerely, why not? But just to take a picture to avoid a grown adult's temper tantrum, no!

Badmama's picture

It is bizarre to have an issue with a step child wanting a picture with their parents. Especially for adult kids steps are as permanent as the marriage but parents are absolutely permanent. My best friends wedding pictures Are full of a guy her mom used to be married to and it's a bummer. 
 

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

A guy her mom used to be married to? Like, besides her dad? That kind of hurts to think that a stepparent is reduced to that sad footnote after a breakup. Maybe it's freeing in a way. Don't kill yourself over these kids. If you split up, the kids will only care about BM (that *other* woman your husband used to be married to.) Biology is everything!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Not everyone who marries a parent becomes a stepparent. If your parents divorce when you're already an adult or nearly an adult, that "stepparent" is much more like an in-law than they are a parental figure. Plus, that man may have been abusive to Friend's mom. He could have cheated on her. Could have left her high and dry. Or Mom could have married some dude she has been dating for two weeks, or the dude resented that she had kids and was a total arse. Or, he could have just always been disengaged and never saw himself as a SP.

There are just as many plausible reasons why someone remains "a parent's spouse" as there are that they become a stepparent. We shouldn't sit here and assume that every spouse wants to be seen as or should be treated like a SP anymore than we should assume that every BM is a HCBM or every BD is a deadbeat sperm donor. Yes, SMs get sh*t on relentlessly, but so do single parents, moms who are NCPs, dads who actually follow COs and CS decrees, etc.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You are correct, in that there are many possibilities as to what the situation could be in that particular case. I'm in a dark step-place this week. I didn't mean to downplay the role of stepparents who actually do step up and are appreciated, or those who clearly define their role in a different way and everyone is ok with it. I don't want my dissilusionment to be contagious or depress everyone else. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You've had a rough couple of weeks with your SO, so I don't blame you for seeing the glass half-empty at the moment. Those of us who are here have all been there, and we both empathize and sympathize with you.

ESMOD's picture

At my OSD's wedding, I pushed my DH to go take a picture with his daughter and EX... one on either side of her.  I mean, the picture doesn't mean they are a couple.. it means they are the parents of the bride.. why would I have an issue with that?

There were multiple combinations of pictures taken.. I was in some.. and not in others.

I do think it would be a bit upsetting if all my pictures of my wedding included one of my parent's Ex'es  and I mean All.. 

And, it is sad.. but once the sp relationship ends with the bio parent.. they really have no connection to the child at that point.. and unless it was a long relationship with a particularly close connection with the child.. I can definitely see how they wouldn't be thrilled to have every picture of the main characters  included a now estranged person.

bananaseedo's picture

Well, see in our case it's BM that's always tring to arrange these original family photos with DH and her and SD- she pulled this at SD's gender reveal, baby shower, the graduation (I'm ok with that honestly) and I think I'd be ok with a wedding one.  That said, it's normally not SD asking as she knows better and doesn't expect DH to play happy family with BM.

Where I finally had enough is the gender reveal and told him so, then he pretended to not know it was happening again during the baby shower. I was furious.  I said if she attempts again now that the baby is born to do 'original family' with just you two and the baby or with sd and the baby you WILL pay for it.  I will make a scene, I don't care. I'm done w/the original family bs. Plus it's bm just markign territory -not SD.  

In the event of a wedding, I can see just letting it go- BUT it depends, was SM excluded consistenly and this was the finaly straw? The SD sounds horrid, I mean kicking him out of the reception entirely?  Yeah, there's more to the story of this entiteled monster IMO then throwing the SD under the bus, I guarantee it.