You are here

At my wits end and could use some support

dsbenm77's picture

Ok so here is my situation maybe someone can shed some light on it and see if I'm off base. My wife and I married 4 year ago been together 5. We have 2 kids together I have 2 from a previous marriage and she has 4. her 4 boys lived with their father and my 2 girls live with their mother. The problem is with her oldest about 3-4 years ago we got a call from my wife's ex that he couldn't handle the 12 year old at the time and that he was bringing him to live with us. Of course I didn't bat an eye and we took him in. We established household rules and had an expectation of conduct to include performance at school. Everything was fine at the start of things but he had trouble in school with work and socially. he could not keep his grades up and was kicked off the football team. He self reported that he had used alcohol, marijuana and tobacco(yes at 12), We tried everything we developed a reward system so when he did well he would earn rewards. Didn't work. We tried grounding, didn't work. We tried counseling, didn't work. Nothing seemed to work. Well later that year I lost my job and we were facing eviction and becoming homeless so My mother offered to help us move and to secure us a place and we accepted. A few days before we were set to move CPS came to our door and said that my girls had reported that my SS had molested them. At first I couldn't believe it and thought it was my Ex making stuff up cause she has the tendency to make up stories. I went and talked to my girls and after talking to them realized that they were probably telling the truth and of course I believed them. I was extremely angry and did say some awful things to him that I do wish I wouldn't have said but when its your babies being hurt in that way all logic goes out the window. We proceeded with our move but due to our other two children we sought a treatment program because my SD had connections where they lived and so we got him into a Sex offender program. Things in the new place started off good but then after a month or two we were right back where we were. It was brought to our attention that he had in fact molested 5 other children which included my 2 daughters 2 of his brothers (one of which was disabled) along with admission of being sexually active which violated the program. Based on previous actions and on the referral of the counselor he was admitted into a Non-secure juvenile facility where he continued treatment. After 6 months he finally came home and we signed a behavior contract as a family and treatment continued. Two months after he returned home his behavior started to slide again. He was subsequently kicked out of the program for violation of rules because he was found to be still engaging in sexual activity which was not allowed during treatment. Mind you at this point he was 14-15. His behavior has progressively gotten worse and now includes stealing property and money from us and others, smoking, drinking, dipping, truancy, curfew violations, running away, etc. At one point he had ran away and was staying with friends and telling the parents that he was in danger at home and making up all sorts of lies about his dad dying in Iraq, Brothers dying of various illness and other tall tales. these other parents tried to give him a shot but he soon turned on them as well and started disobeying rules, stealing, and running away.so now he's back with us and I am so over this situation I can actually say I hate him and can't wait until he turns 18 so I don't ever have to deal with him again. We have had the police involved, school officials, truancy officers, and even the county D.A. has a case being built against him now. Nothing seems to get through to this kid and my wife and I are completely lost. I would love to hear some advice on this.

Comments

notasm3's picture

Sounds like my worthless SS32 (minus the sex crimes)who spent the last 3 years of his minority in juvie. Can't they lock him up?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Get your mutual kids and LEAVE. RUN.

NO child is safe around him, and you NEED to protect your two littles. Even if you decide to stay married, GET OUT WITH YOUR KIDS NOW. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE THEM HIS NEXT VICTIMS.

Also, has no one pressed charges? When he failed out of the program, why was he not put in detention or charges proceeded?

This isn't one victim (though one is one too many). This is MULTIPLE victims with continuing criminal acts. How has he not been brought up on charges and/forced into a program? How is CPS allowing any other child to live in the same home as him?

strugglingSM's picture

It sounds like this boy is extremely emotionally disturbed. If he was molesting other children at age 12 and also abusing drugs and alcohol, those are two huge red flags. He may need a residential program for emotionally disturbed children. What options has the DA offered for treatment or punishment? These issues can't be addressed via behavior charts or behavior incentives. He needs professional help.

What does your wife think about all of this? This is her child, but she seems to be a passive player in all of this? What does the child's father think of all this?

You could be in danger of losing your own children because of this boy, so you shouldn't allow him to live in your house with you.

ESMOD's picture

To be honest, I agree. With his repeated recidivism, I don't think you can trust him to be around the rest of the kids in the family. I don't think sending him back to BD is an option either.. just pushing the problem elsewhere where someone else's child will be a victim. Right now the kid is not fixed. I am surprised that the authorities don't want more control over this kid.

Daisymazy2's picture

I am not sure if your state offers it but there is a program called CHINS (Child in Need of Services). (CHINS) is a juvenile who:
Is beyond the control of his/her parent such that the child's behavior endangers the health, safety, or welfare of the child or other person; Has exhibited a serious substance abuse problem;r
Has exhibited behaviors which create a serious risk of harm to the health, safety, or welfare of the child or any other person.

BM has SD on this program. She is scheduled for court next month and the judge would determine what type of treatment she will need. SD's counselors are requesting a group home. I am not exactly sure how she found out about it. The parents and your SS would have to go to court. You would need to call Contact Division of Children and Family Services and they can give more details.