Ever since I've known SS15 he's always been about 3 to 4 years socially behind. It's the one thing about SS that DH and I actually agree on.

When DH and I fist got together DH and SS may as well haven been married. They did everything together- codependent like. That should have been a major red flag but I chalked it up to divorced dad with 50/50 custody- when he has his son he wants to do everything with (and for) him. In the beginning our relationship was like a rollarcoaster- half the time it was perfect (when SS was not around) and half the time I took a major back seat (and why wouldn't I? We were new and his son was 10). Over the years the coddling didn't ease up the way I thought it would as SS grew older- but instead got worse. I called a family meeting and laid it out- things changed or I was out. As a result DH started live his own life instead of revolving his every move around SS (at this point we had our daughter and it couldn't be all about SS 24/7 when he was with us) DH recognized things needed to change but felt major guilt during this time. He encouraged SS to do the same- live his own life (make his own friends and learn to occupy his own time) but that never took. Why would it? His only playmate (his dad) would do anything and everything he wanted, SS was never wrong and always in charge. No friendship with a peer could ever replicate that dynamic. This was how it was with us- and seems to be how it still is with BM.

Its been years of therapy, tough love of not rescuing him from his boredom, long talks of support, and here we are today- no change. DH now has healthier boundaries with him- but I guarantee SS would fall right back into the old pattern with DH if allowed. This keeps my anxiety about the whole situation at a level 6 whenever he's around wondering if this will be the weekend DH wants us to do things as a "family" so as to drag him out of his room. I have absolutely no desire to engage with (or have my little kids around) him due to his over the top attention seeking ways. He's almost 6 feet tall and acts like he's 12. It's embarrassing. 

When asked what he does with his mom- it's spousal stuff- they run errands together, go on walks together, watch shows together, work on house projects together- he is in essence her spouse. That's the dynamic he craves with his parents. To be their equal. To call the shots.

He's now in high school and seems to have developed social anxiety- as he is SO far behind his peers socially it's noticeable. However he seems to have no desire for change. He doesn't work (only 15 so idk if he can), is involved in absolutely nothing, and has no plan for his future. Any time DH tries to push him to do more socially- he makes up false accusations against DH. DH is quick to empathy and guilt- round and round we go.

There are no consequences for doing nothing and for the accusations. THIS is where DH and I fundamentally disagree. I'm disengaged- SS and I have no relationship. Not good- not bad- nonexistent. He made false accusations toward me to his mom when I picked him up one day from school- telling her I got him hours late (the school confirmed with her that was not the case) and that was the last time I ever spoke to him (that was two years ago) as there was no consequence to that lie. He still lives with us 50/50- we do not interact. He has no use for me as he can't manipulate me and I don't kiss his ass. 

Now here we are. A socially anxious 15 year old (in my belief was created and enabled by his parents) with no desire for chance. I focus on DD3 and DS newborn- but it's like living with a dumpster fire 1/2 my life. DH feeling bad for him is the hardest part- IMO DH created then allowed this to happen! We can't talk about SS without it turning into an argument of "you just don't like him" and with DH becoming consumed with guilt about the whole situation- I just don't see it the same way he does. I have no empathy- I wish I did, but I just don't...