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SS13 lays in the middle of the road

Dragonfly87's picture

Good morning folks!

I have a situation from last night I'd like to unpack. Let me set the scene...

I get out of work and picked up DD2 from daycare. Got her home, gave her a bath, fed her dinner, and was getting ready to put her to bed. (During this time DH was working- he works until 7 most nights). 

As I'm getting ready to put DD to bed- SS13 goes outside and lays down, arms out, in the middle of the road. We live on a dead end road- but people still use it as a turn-around (and that's not the point- he's still laying in the middle of the road).

Less than 10 seconds later DH gets home and addresses the situation with SS- telling him that what he's doing isn't safe, asks what is he doing/thinking, etc. He wants to have a discussion- SS giggles it off. 

Now DH doesn't like to "yell and scream" but I do think there are certain situations where raising your voice to get him to stop giggling and take him seriously is warented. That its okay to be upset- and actually show that he's upset with SS's actions. DH disagrees wtih me around "yelling and screaming"- saying he brought it up to him and if he does it again- he'll have another discussion and address it again. 

This is how DH handles everything with SS. Disrespect, laziness, him being noisey, etc. DH wants to have a talk- SS doesn't take him seriously and giggles him off- the behavior continues. Suggestions on how to stop this cycle? Thank you!!

Comments

Winterglow's picture
  • Take his phone/tablet/whatever else he values from him for a few days. 
  • Make him do chores.

 

Dragonfly87's picture

I agree there should be some kind of consequence- but DH thinks its best to tie the consequence to the offensible action. I don't know what would sync up wtih randomly laying in the road.

Winterglow's picture

Being deprived of the outdoors - let him sit in his bedroom with no electronic entertainment for a day or so. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Cleaning up trash on the side of the road, beach or park? 

I like logical consequences too, and try to use them. I am not a fan of just grounding- I don't think kids can relate back to why they are in trouble whereas physical repercussions (work) helps the lesson hit home better. 

WampusKat's picture

Pull another stunt like that and the consquences will be X,Y, Z. Laugh in my face when I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you, there will be consequences for that as well. If the kid just wants his dad's attention, he can just walk up and start a conversation. This is not that. He's being a pain in the arse on purpose. has it dawned on you that he was setting you up while you busy with the little one? "Look dad, I'm lying in the road and she didn't even notice!" He didn't get the reaction from dad that he wanted, so plays it off by laughing about it.

WwCorgi7's picture

Laying the street was just a fun activity for SS? He just laid down I'm the road for fun or attention? Wow.... I don't even know what to say. Why isn't his dad more upset? If my kid was doing stupid/dangerous things I would be very concerned. Not something I would address at a later date. What if he goes and lays in the street and gets ran over? I'm sure a discussion won't fix things then. I don't really have any advice but I would be angry with my partner for letting stuff like that slide. Did you tell him next time something could happen maybe open his eyes to the real possibility of SS getting hurt or killed if he keeps it up?

tog redux's picture

What the heck? What was SS's goal? Was it dark out yet? 
 

I don't think DH needed to yell, but he probably needed to be more stern. 

Dragonfly87's picture

Not dark out yet but still- its just odd. 

I agree he doesn't need to "yell and scream" as DH likes to put it- but I think showing he's upset needed in order for SS to take him seriously.

tog redux's picture

I'd be tempted to take him in for a mental health evaluation, even if he wasn't saying he's suicidal or meant to harm himself. That way he knows it's taken seriously. 

Dragonfly87's picture

Agreed. Last I knew SS was speaking with a therapist when he was at his mom's house. I'm disengaged so I try not to ask all that many questions- but I'll bring it up as something worthy of reporting to his therpaist. He's not suicidal and has never harmed himself- I agree he needs to know we take this stuff seriously and its not a joke.

WampusKat's picture

he's just playing the adults. If he's so bored with himself, offer him some chores.

ESMOD's picture

Did dad find out "why" he did that? was he mad? doing a prank? trying to kill himself seriously?  I mean, randomly laying down in the middle of the road isn't what I would typically think a 13 yo might do.. maybe a small child who didn't have any better way to know it wasn't safe.. but a 13 yo? 

WwCorgi7's picture

Well come to think of it kids these days are paralyzing themselves on milk crates so? At first I thought it wasn't  normal and he needed help but then I think back on all the stupidly dangerous viral challenges and think we'll maybe he's just being a kid? Scary.

Dragonfly87's picture

Bored. Attention seeking. He does stuff like this (not this dangerous) but random stuff like this constantly... the driving force is generally boredom and attention seeking. The problem is this kind of behavior happens all of the time. Pretending to fall for example, same thing.. its wild.

Ispofacto's picture

Tbh I was a bit of a yeller with my kids and I feel like it just let them know when they got the better of me.  Kids need consequences.  Otherwise SS just succeeded in getting free attention.

 

WampusKat's picture

I find that a good bellow gets their attention, followed by consequences laid out in no uncertain terms on the spot. Zero discussion about why you're behaving that way. The take away is: you will not behave this way. End of discussion.

You get all the attention you want from peole when you're being decent. Otherwise, go sit in the corner and mope by yourself.

"Well, what if he's mental?" These kids are being raised to be mental cases because parents refuse to be parents. What's a therapst going to do for these kids? Step up, people,. If you don't want to parent the kids, the consequences are endless misery while they run you around by the nose. I have no sympathy left.

Aniki's picture

If your DH has a problem with this, he should definitely address it when (if) it happens again. What is SS's "currency"? Your DH wants to emphasize that this is serious and there should be consequences if SS continues with this behavior.

As for "yelling and screaming", I do not agree that it is necessary. My Dad's attention getter for was a short, firm "HEY" followed by him discussing the issue at a normal voice level in a stern tone. His father was the same way and so is my DH. None of them had to yell to let it be known "you are in big trouble". The minute a person yells and screams, there are those who immediately tune out. 

Dragonfly87's picture

I agree with the firm HEY. I'm not suggesting he "yell and scream" (those are DH's words/interpretation to my feedback on his ineffective parenting) but he needs to do something. I say ineffective because these kinds of things happen all of the time (not the road- but attention seeking behaviors). 

AgedOut's picture

what was the purpose of lying in the road? my kids had their dumbass moments but this one takes the cake. or was it planned to be there as Dad came home and thereby garner 100% of Dad's attention for the night?

Dragonfly87's picture

or was it planned to be there as Dad came home and thereby garner 100% of Dad's attention for the night?

This. He looked at the clock, noticed it was close to when DH would be getting home, and went outside to pull his stunt.

AgedOut's picture

If it happens again, and it may since it got the attention diverted to him, you may want to suggest to Dad that he may want to seek a different approach to it. 

Dragonfly87's picture

Agreed. I did suggest to DH that he take a different approach... he then accuses me of criticizing him. He thinks I view him as ignorant and ineffective. To be honest, when it comes to disciplining SS, I do (because we keep having the same arguments clearly his approach isn't working). DH doesn't want to hear it. 

WampusKat's picture

And what would his reaction be if the boy had gotten run over? It's clearly your fault, right? Tell him what you thnk and if he doesn't want to hear your advice, you're not going to be responsible for his kid anymore. Either the kid minds or daddy can hire a babysitter and he can drop him off elsewhere. The manchildren in our lves are the cause of all this BS..I told my husband that his kids behave the way they do becasue the parents allow it. And these are now grown adults - still behaving like children. It's his own fault that his kids are no longer welcome here. Turns out they don't really care about daddy. The aim was to destroy our relationship just like they did to their mother's relationship, though nobody ever mistrreated them in any way, shape, or form.

Yes, the man is a dolt, raising another dolt.

It was never-ending drama until I finally blew my top. You want to see somebody ugly-mad., that was me.That's what it took. I'm still not over it and that was five years ago.I  haven't seen the morons since and there's been not a peep out of them on his end. I made it known to everybody that I'm fed up and done. It's been peaceful on the home front ever since. It was either me and normalcy or he could join the chaos monkeys in Hillbilly Hollow.. It scared the crap out of him.

thinkthrice's picture

attention seeking.  The grandchild who lives across the road from us, around 8-9 years old  was laying down in the middle of the road along with her friend possibly on a dare or something.  Chef let the grandmother know (who has custody) as people literally fly up and down our road as a convenient "shortcut" to the city nearby.  Very dangerous to say the least.

caninelover's picture

Ideally you'd ignore the attention-seeking behavior, but in this case his behavior is actually dangerous so that route is not possible.  To be honest if this kid lacks the comprehension that laying in the road is wrong then I don't think the 'normal' consequences (take away electronics, etc) will help much.

You should talk to a counseler on how to address this, especially if it continues or even escalates.  SS may need to be evaluated.

CallMeCrazy's picture

I somehow managed to raise 4 kids on my own without yelling and screaming, so I guess I don't see why you'd advocate for that as a parenting style. 

SS was being stupid. It was probably on TikTok or some dumb $hit. Have you seen that milk crate craziness out there now? Gah, so stupid and potentially dangerous.

But really? In daylight, at the end of a culdesac, the risk was low. I'd just tell him he's a doofus and have fun picking asphalt out of his hair!

Dragonfly87's picture

I'm not proposing DH "yell and scream" at SS. Raise his voice a bit to grab SS's attention to stop the giggling in order to actually HAVE a productive conversation, sure. It's as if DH doesn't feel hes allowed to show frustration to SS wtihout it being the end of the world. 

WampusKat's picture

Doofus can get himself hurt since he pulls these stunts repeatedly on her watch. And I highly doubt you never raised your voice to your own doofuses. Selective memory is quite something for the holier-than-thou crowd. man and boy both need a boot up the rear.

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Don't be alone with ss anymore he'd there to visit his father not yoy.

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

My girl friend across the road and I used to lie on the road and chat all the time growing up. Super quiet street. Not a dead end but a loop road around a point on a river. Only people who lived in the street drove in it. We would hear if a car came and move. I do remember getting in trouble for it. But I think we just liked being outside and looking at the stars and not risking some god awful spider landing on us. (I'm Australian and HATE spiders. Not a good mix.) also the road was on a slope. So yeah, was our comfy place to hang out!

Dragonfly87's picture

So by your measure I'm over reacting- that this isn't a big deal given its a comfy place to hang out. I do not feel comfortable with SS modeling this kind of behavior to my 2 year old nor do I think its an appropriate/safe spot for a person to just lay down and hang out. Cars do come down the road quickly not realizing its a dead end- having to abruptly turn around.

For me the issue is that SS does these kinds of things, DH tries to address the behaviors and the intervention continues to fall flat.

Perhaps I am overreacting? I'll give it some thought...

 

CallMeCrazy's picture

This isn't modeling for your 2 year old. LOL Now you're trying to make it something it isn't. She's too young to even notice.

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

I wasn't saying you were overreacting. I wasn't commenting about you at all. I was having a laugh remembering I used to and reading some of the comments saying he must be insane so showing maybe not. Sheesh. That's all. 

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Don't be alone with the ss anymore. Tell your husband he needs to find other accommodations when he is working for his kid. The kid is there to visit his father not you. Don't allow guilt trips.

Survivingstephell's picture

I think he was testing his dad to see if he could set him off into yelling.  He even knows his dad is a push over.  Wash your hands of it and let SS escalate and DH handle him.   

Harry's picture

But some type of punishment is in order.  That part of being a parent.  Not just buying things.  Your DH is failing at being a parent.  You should start thinking about how you are going to parent DD.  DH May fail at that too. So it may fall onto you.  Just get ready