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SS13 asks DH for money when he's with BM

Dragonfly87's picture

Hello everyone!

Just a quick, short rant. This weekend SS was with BM. This woman has more money than God- but is as cheap as they get (which I understand is entirely her business).

HOWEVER- SS actually wanted to go out with some classmates this weekend (that never happens)- and started texting DH for $$ to go out to meet his friends for dinner. 

One of two realities- 1. BM was giving him a hard time about money OR 2. SS just assumed he would get DH to drop whatever he was doing to bring him cash (had it been 4 years ago- he probably would have. Time and boundaries later- that shit doesn't fly.).

Either way it seemed inappropriate to me that SS would try to get DH to stop what he was doing, drive to BM's house just to bring him money becasue either 1. she refused/was giving him a hard time or 2. because SS just assumed DH would pay.  

Now I'm very proud of DH because he did not bring him money. If he did- BM and SS would just expect it moving forward. SS already treats DH like an ATM and BM would be all to happy to let DH pay for anything/everything related to SS- draining our bank account while preserving hers.

SS and BM are the same person its awful. Self centered and self serving. It just seemed rediculous to me that SS would think to text DH while he was with BM asking DH for money... maybe others have dealt with this? Its a first for me and I'm floored. Proud of DH for holding his ground. I could tell it was somewhat difficult for him to set a limit- as he felt conflicted. He wants SS to socialize but he can't be the only parent promoting (and paying) for socialization. 

 

Comments

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll is always short cash. But when she had her tax return money, she bough SD15 backstabber a 1,400 ipad thingy, and a bass guitar. AND wanted DH to buy an amp. He was like "I gave her 20$ to get a flute, and so she changed her mind, Im not paying extra because she changed her mind."

Very proud moment!

Dragonfly87's picture

It's wonderful when they actually set a limit.

Now SS is going to be with us this weekend. Apparently the same group is making plans to go to to the movies. I said that was great!!! I also said, "do you think he'll text BM for movie money when he's here wtih us?" That didn't go over well- and now we're fighting. 

"Why can't you just be happy he's making plans? Why the unnecessary remarks?" Well, DH, I can be both happy SS is making plans and frustrated he tries to pull his shit. DH seems to want to breeze past it and only focus on the "good" (SS making plans) while I focus on the big picture- much of which he hates that I bring up.

DH often says that he agrees with the things I say- just doesn't want to hear it (IE- anything that portrays SS in a negative light). IDK how to navigate that dynamic with DH...

CallMeCrazy's picture

Why did you "have" to make a snarky comment? It wasn't necessary; your DH is correct. Yes, you can be both happy he's making plans and be frustrated he asked for money, BUT you don't have to be a brat to your DH about it. You love your DH, right? Why not speak to him with love and disrespect? He didn't do anything you didn't like in this situation even! (He refused to hand over the money.)

You navigate that dynamic by not talking shit to DH about his kid. 

Gimlet's picture

My perspective is that if DH is holding the line on the things that are important to me, then I can let the rest go.

I can be a real Petty Crocker and it's been a learning experience for me to focus on what really matters because lots of shit can bug me, lol.  

In this case, your DH told him no and that's good.  He already knows that SS is unlikely to ask BM and it was probably hard to tell him no, at least it would have been for my DH and he probably would have given him money (not one of my hills because it was either that or they didn't do something and dog knows that those kids needed socialization more than anything).

If you are focusing on the big picture, then decide if the comment is worth it.  I will never keep my mouth shut about the important things, but I have learned that running through "Does it need to be said?  Does it need to said right now?  Does it need to be said by me?" can help me to decide.  

Sometimes I just vent here via PMs, get my validation, and then handle it without being annoyed or leave it alone.

YMMV, but I find that DH listens a lot better when I am being selective about what I bring up. 

Hang in there.

Dragonfly87's picture

We finally started telling SS if he wanted $$ he needed to earn it with chores. He does great work when he does his chores- but its amazing to me how much his relationship wtih DH just centers around cash...

superlado's picture

Get a paper route kid , hang fliers offering to do yard work in the neighborhood , pet sitting if responsible enough.  This is how I made extra cash as a kid. No one paid me to do chores , that was expected work. But if you can and are willing make him work for $.  Teach him the value of a dollar.  

notarelative's picture

I agree yard work, pet sitting, babysitting,  cleaning for elderly all are things that teens can do. It is good for teens to work for extras. But, here at least paper route does not apply. Paper routes here are now car routes only, and you must be 18. 

ImFreeAtLast's picture

But the main thrust is that he doesn't care about my husband just what he can get. He is just like his selfish BM. Disgusting 

ESMOD's picture

I'm a bit of the mind that the kids are the parent's children 100% of the time.. not just when they have custody.

Does that mean that your DH should fall all over himself to get his child some cash for a last minute request?  not necessarily, but I know that if one of my SD's had asked this because their mother couldn't or wouldn't and the request was for a reasonable thing.. he would have given them the money... even if the said event happened on mom's time.  CS may not cover these "extras" and the parents should both be sharing those extra costs IMO.. and that may mean the NCP is paying for some things that may occur during the CP's time.

It would be frustrating if I knew that the CP could and was refusing to cover the cost of something I considered reasonable for the child.  However, we also have to keep in mind there could be legit reasons why BM wasn't shelling it out too.  Perhaps she found SS in the middle of HER culdesac?  lol.  Perhaps he was supposed to clean his room and did not.. it could be undermining to pay those costs if she had a legit reason for not wanting to spend that money on that activity.  

It can kind of work both ways I guess... I know my DH would give his kids money that was spent when with mom... but there is always the danger that the kid is going "around" his mom to get something she has told him he can't have and perhaps for good reason.

tog redux's picture

There is no reason for the kid to ask his father for money from his mother's home. If BM can't afford it and wants SS to go,  SHE can ask DH to pay, but even that is really far-fetched to me.  

ESMOD's picture

I'm saying this from the POV that CS may not be intended to cover all extra activities like this... so that is one assumption my perspective would factor in.

Let's say that the child is with mom most of the time.. like dad gets 4 of 30 days.. that doesn't necessarily follow that mom should be resonsible for 85% of the extra costs of the child.  Both parents should be contributing to those kinds of costs.. so yeah.. in that line of thinking.. it's actually ok for a NCP to give their child money for things that may occur on mom's time.  

I don't think the NCP parent should be overriding the CP's decision over whether a child gets to do a particular activity or social activity.. but it's ok for either or both parents to help fund those activities.. no matter which house it may occur in.

I don't think the NCP needs to accept being treated just like an ATM.. it's really not black and white.. just because the kid asked doesn't mean that is all they see their dad is in every situation.  But I think the kids should be comfortable asking both parents for this kind of thing.. even if it means the answer is no sometimes.

 

tog redux's picture

I could see if it was a school field trip, or a Boy Scout event or something. But to hang out with his friends? Nah, that's on whichever parent has him that day. 

ImFreeAtLast's picture

AdultSkid has always been greedy, ungrateful and selfish just like his BM. I have been humiliated by his behavior when he was a child. He never texted happy fathers day dad or happy birthday or how are you. Just "I want money for video games" when AdultSkid was with his BM.

My husband always said no 

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Nah

strugglingSM's picture

I have one SS like that. He regularly tells DH that he "owes" him, that he doesn't pay enough child support, that BM pays for everything and on and on and on.

The reality is that BM makes more than both DH and I combined and DH pays more child support than he's legally obligated to (he offered more at the last mediation because he wanted a different holiday schedule, which BM agreed to and then refused to follow), and we still pay for duplicates of things at our house because they don't bring anything with them.

This SS also knows how much DH pays in child support. He told DH it was "nothing", but it's nearly 1/4 of DH's take home pay. DH sent BM a message requesting that she follow their agreement and not discuss finances with skids. BM said she never told DH what the amount was, SS must have "opened my mail and seen the check." Um, okay, BM. 

Lifer33's picture

However, that kid is still a minor, so whatever way you think of it, it should be between bm and dh money wise. Whether ss is pulling a fast one or bm is playing games, for me it would be 'sorry son, I need to speak to/email  your mum'

We used to get a lot of one-upmanship and game playing here via ss phone, that soon stopped when we reverted to the above on the advice of otherwise useless mediator 

Dragonfly87's picture

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my post. We have SS 50/50 with BM. There's an arrangement where anything over $100 needs to be divided in half. We just signed SS up for a soccer clinic- $80. We paid for the whole thing (happily) because it falls within the agreement. The clinic will take place over 8 weeks and fall, at times, during his time with BM. She was happy to let us pay- and we were happy to do it.

What bothers me is that SS wouldn't dream of asking BM for money when he's with us. Why would he ask DH for money when he's with BM? I guess I'm just incredibly hawkish about DH being used and/or guilted.
 

He ended their marriage therefore he will forever be in debt to her/the reason behind every issue, etc etc. When it came to toys when SS was younger we'd get "mom said you'd get it for me" OR "ask your dad if he'll buy it for you." SS would hide specific toys in the store so that DH could bring him back on our days and purchase them for SS as his mom would refuse and just put it off on DH. He has/had more toys than any kid I've ever met. I guess this just goes back and it's a bit of a hot topic...

Anyway thank you everyone for your thoughts 

StepUltimate's picture

... SS knows BM has $$ but she's such a manipulative b*tch who enjoys torturing her offspring that its a painful experience to even try. This frequently occurre(d/s) in my SS's case. His HCBM perversely enjoys holding something over his head like, "I gave you that $$, now you have to clean up all the cat puke & dog doo for the next month." [ETA she had like 4 ancient cats & 3 obese dogs, cat-pee home]. That's a real story from the vault; I used to grieve when SS would share his experiences. I wanted to save SS, and help my DH to heal. 

Not that it excused my SS's similar behavior, bit over time I came to see how asking Disnee Dad for money way painless, enhanced because DizDad is so overjoyed to be the Cool Dad. Often at the inconvenience and expense of the shocked SM. 

I am sorry you are in this situation, regardless of how similar or different it is in your scene.

Mamabearof3's picture

My step daughter has asked us to pay her phone bill and whatever. Even asked me to print and pay pictures and gifts for her moms family and her friends whatever. We're pretty distant right now so I wouldn't expect it now. She's always asked me though not my husband. He had a chance to get her the name brand back pack she wanted 75% off but refused saying he wouldn't have bought it for a dollar because of the way she asked for it. Said she's never using anything used and she will just ask someone else. She doesn't know he would have gotten her one though. If only she'd had a better attitude.