I was so not impressed with DW last Sunday. I can forgive her, because I love her, but I wasn't impressed....

For starters we went to a family gathering on her side of the family. I wasn’t particularly keen on going, especially since SIL and her free-range animals were going to be there (remember Eve(il)?). On top of that, I warned DW that we would have to leave the place early because we have to pick up SS.

Well it turns out that this family gathering was really a surprise for DW. Her cousins from overseas were over. There was a lot of “OMG!!!” and “I can’t belive you are here!”.

It was nice to finally meet DW’s cousins, because I have heard a lot about them, but why-o-why make this a surprise? In-laws KNOW we have to leave early to fetch SS.

Drinks started getting passed around. After 2 beers, DW asks me if I will be okay to drive. I said yes, I am fine. Whenever I know I have to drive later, I have two beers at the start of the party and that’s it. DW on the other hand, decides to get tanked.

We were suppose to leave at 7pm, and when I went to fetch DW to remind her, she was pouring herself another glass. I reminded her of the time and she said “Oh! Right. This is my last glass and we’ll get going.” Well that glass of wine NEVER ENDED!!! It kept getting refilled and refilled…

It was pretty obvious that DW was in full fledged party mode.

Over an hour and a half passed. This means we were going to be an hour and a half late in picking up SS. DW said she’ll call Donkeykong to say we were going to be late. Except she didn’t call, she texted. Donkeykong doesn’t acknowledge texts from DW when SS is with him.

I really didn’t know what to do at this point. I was thinking of recruiting the aid of MIL and FIL, but they’re bots. MIL’s go-to response to everything is to “not to worry about it” and FIL’s response is to crack a joke. You know what he said? “I was hoping you guys would leave early so that I would have more booze to myself….”

Ha! Ha! Really funny FIL. Next time you throw a party, I'll bring my old Fraternity brother's in tow and then you will REALLY KNOW what a well run dry is like!

So really, I only had two choices; A) sit and wait patiently for DW to sober up, or just sit back and get wasted myself. There's also option C) which entails throwing DW over my shoulder and carrying her out of there, but I only do that as a last resort (And yes, I have done that, but only with the ex, never with DW).

Finally, DW says “Ooh! Look at the time! HONEY, WE HAVE TO GO!!!”

I look at her and said “Yeah! I’ve been telling you this every 10 minutes since 7 O’CLOCK!!!”

Lots of laughs. I mean everybody thinks this is a big effing joke.

And then I started wondering. “Why am I getting bent out of shape here? Why am I the only smart human being in a 25-yard radius with ANY sense of responsibility!?”

BS and BD were strapped and waiting in the car, while DW was still chatting it up. Kid’s kept on asking, “Why isn’t Mommy coming?”. I tell BS and BD that Mommy had a little too much "Mommy juice."

BS says "Mommy juice? Silly Daddy! Mommy is drinking wine!"

Correction. Me and BS are the only smart people in a 25 yard radius....

Meanwhile, DW’s phone which was plugged into the car charger was starting to get blown up with texts and VM’s from SS (“Where are you?” “Are you coming to get me?” “When are you coming?” “Mom? R U There?”…

Yeah, Mom is here but she’s a little pickled…

So we finally hit the road. Kids are passed out.

DW senses I am not exactly happy with her and asks me what’s wrong.

“We're late." I say. "We're late and it is your fault, but I’m not going to have a serious conversation with you now. We can wait until your sober…”

I thought this evening would finally be over once we pick up SS. Oh but no, when we arrive at Donkeykong’s place, that's when the real drama begins.

DW wants to get out to “have a smoke.”

I tell her “NO! You stay in the car!”

Last thing anybody needs right now is Donkeykong seeing DW drunk out of her skull having a cigarette on his front lawn! So I force her to stay in the car.

“Oh common! I need a shigarette!”

I was adamant. I lock the door. She tries to get it to open and while she tries, I grab her purse and hide it under my legs. DW is shuffling and bemoaning her need for a cigarette. I keep telling her to calm down and wait until we get home. Her nicotine habit can wait an extra 20 minutes…DW looked like a cat struggling with a ball of yarn. She hissed and cussed but then finally gave up.

SS gets in the car and he’s all cheery and happy to see DW. DW apologizes saying that her cousins where here and it was a surprise.

“Who?” SS asks.

That’s when DW sobers up. “What do you mean, ‘WHO!?’. My cousins! From overseas!”

“I don’t know who they are.” SS states

“YES YOU DO!!! You met them a few years ago!”

“I don’t know who they are.”

DW is trying to explain to SS who her cousins are but it is obvious that SS not only doesn’t remember but doesn’t care and he is trying to change the subject, trying to engage his mother in a conversation about Transformers…This upsets DW even more.

I stay silent and drive on.

By the time we hit the highway again, DW passes out. She would have slept the whole way but SS kept poking her, trying to steer her into his world…

"Mom? You okay? Mom!? MOM!?!? Mom I wanted to ask you something....Urm....oh wait, I forgot.....Mom? Moooooooom?"