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Boots?

Drac0's picture

Some people think I am a mean and vicious SOB for the things I say about SS. There’s a few people who think I am making this sh*t up. I guess what I am about to write here falls in the latter category.

A while ago, I wrote that SS routinely forgets to wear his boots. It’s cold outside. I mean REALLY cold. 0 degrees F cold. You know when the oil in your car becomes the consistency of jelly, it’s COLD.

SS wears his boots to school, but then he returns with his sneakers.

He does this constantly!

So last week, he came home from school crying. He slipped and fell on a patch of ice and hurt his elbow pretty badly. Why did he slip and fall? Yup! He was wearing his sneakers and not his boots.

Neither DW nor I had any sympathy for him.

“NOW will you remember to wear you boots to and from school!?!?”

SS nodded and I updated the waterworks calendar It’s been 0 days since SS last cried

Yesterday I picked up SS from his Dad’s. He was rather jovial and he even said “I remembered my boots this time! I am so glad I did!”

I smiled. ‘Good for him' I thought.

We arrive home. SS takes off his boots to reveal bare feet.

“Uh SS? Where are your socks?”

“Hm? Oh! I forgot them.”

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Are the "mean girls" still following you around? lol

I am sorry but BAHAHAHAHA about SS not wearing any socks. Just the thought of putting on boots with no socks makes me cringe. yuk.

Drac0's picture

>What's the longest dry run on your waterworks calendar?<

Since I started keeping track? About 8 days.

amber3902's picture

Draco,

When are you going to get this boy evaluated?

Granted, part of this is his mom babying him, but really, do you think he's doing these things on purpose?

Please, get this boy some help, or at least rule out any possible neurological issues. You will feel really bad if come to find out this buy has some kind of neurological defect that is causing him to forget things.

Draco, I'm starting to have less sympathy for you and more for your SS.

Drac0's picture

He sees a child psycholgist about once a month. We used to take SS weekly but now it's about once a month. I don't normally go, but I think it's time I go to the next scheduled visit.

amber3902's picture

I think you should go then. And bring up all these issues where SS is forgetting things, or saying things that don't make sense, like when he said "are we Thursday?"

Seriously, it sounds like something neurological is wrong. I know his mom has enabled him a lot, but some of this may not be his fault.

overworkedmom's picture

Every time I read this stuff I picture my kids (8yrs & 6yrs) and think, oh, I would be so irritated. Then I remember that SS is a teenager!! And I know I would not be able to keep my hand from smacking him upside the head to knock some sense in him!

Tuff Noogies's picture

yss is like this but he follows through with it!!! "i'm not cold!" like it's some sort of manly thing to forgo a jacket and wear shorts when it's 30 degrees out.

goincrazy.com's picture

I think your stories are hilarious!

Unfortunately, this story I can relate to with my own Bio. She's high anxiety/ADHD and I'm NOT kidding she could put me in the nut house some days but it's the same thing; Constantly reminding her of things that are necessities like socks( EW, I know, It's disgusting- she always wears them to school but if we are running errands we get back home and takes her boots off, no socks :sick: ) I even ask and we will either run late for her to get them or she will lie and we run out the door. Her teacher called me about snow pants, she's not wearing her nice Columbia snow pants I bought her bc she says "she doesn't have too, they play on the black top" YES she does, it's a school rule.

It's constant reminders and she argues about EVERYTHING. She's 10 and I know SS is older which makes it even more frustrating! Has he been diagnosed with ADHD?

goincrazy.com's picture

***I'm not saying bc he did this he must have ADHD, I just want to clarify that! Your compilation of stories about him has me wondering if there is something else going on besides the coddling.

Also, when I was younger, boots were "dorky" so I would rather have frozen feet then were those stupid ugly moon boots!

Drac0's picture

Yes he has been diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type). This means SS can't do anything if there is a smidgen of distraction. This is made even worse when he returns from his Dad's because his Dad pretty much lets SS do whatever he wants including stay up until the wee hours of the night. So he returns home horribly sleep deprived. So when I bring him home, I send him straight to bed.

goincrazy.com's picture

I know how tough it is and frustrating dealing with a "Child" like that. They are extremely immature for their age(my bio is anyway) and they NEED consistency. My bio does not sleep at night, never has, so the more tired she gets the worse she acts.....she will get 1 good night sleep a week and we start all over. It's exhausting :/

I was hoping she would "grow out" of many of these symptoms but I'm losing hope!

Is he on meds?

amber3902's picture

Goingcrazy, Draco's SS is not on meds, but I think it's something that this boy needs.

You should also know that you don't outgrow ADHD.

I think Draco's SS needs meds for his ADHD. I understand medication is over prescribed for kids, but there are cases where it actually is warranted. Seems to me they've done everything else, why they're not using meds when everything else quite clearly has not worked is beyond me.

goincrazy.com's picture

Thanks for responding Smile I was curious! I think kids are over diagnosed and I also believe medication is over prescibed for kids too! I did any and everything to prevent my bio from going on meds but it just came to that and it IS better NOT perfect and we still have issues but better and with kids like this you understand that baby steps are actually huge progress!

I know she won't ever grow out of ADHD but she's in weekly therapy as well to learn how to manage it and it will easier to contol some of her impulses as she get's older- she won't necessarily have to be on meds her whole life if she can find other ways to manage as she gets older- sorry, I should have been clear on that!

Draco, have you considered talking to DW about ADHD meds for SS?

Drac0's picture

As I mentioned to Amber above. We have considered it but there are other complications, which I would rather not get into at the moment. All the doctor's have recommended to forgo taking medication for now, but for different reasons. So if we we do decide to get SS medication, we have an uphill battle because Donkeykong will in all likelyhood say no.

By my understanding, one never grows out of ADHD. A person with it will have it all his life and must learn to cope with it. SS *can* cope with it, provided he is given some direction.

bearcub25's picture

My SD wears this to school yesterday, knowing full well the bus could drop her at the bottom of the hill instead of at the driveway.

Thin Victoria Secrets sleep pants that only went to mid calf, tennis shoes and no show socks. There is at least 1 foot + in the yards (rural area so large acreage between homes). The road was plowed but lined with at least 2 foot snow piles. I still took her to the bus and really didn't give a shit if she had to freeze or not. She gets sick, DSO can stay home with her and lose a days pay.

hurtandalone's picture

My sd8 had this thing about not wanting to wear a coat.. it was ongoing. Well, the last time she tried this we were on out way to an art class that she LOVED... she went out to the car (which was warming up) prior to the rest of us so we did not see that she was not wearing a coat, only a thin, 3/4 length sweater... in the middle of winter when it was SNOWING. Guess who didn't get to go to her art class and got to sit in the library and watch me do homework while her brother enjoyed himself. She was devastated BUT learned her lesson.

whatwasithinkin's picture

I don't know that people think your vicious as much as we may believe you have very high standards set for your SS. And an ongoing belief that your wife is parenting him with kid gloves when all I really see is a Mom trying to do her best and a SF who will never be satisfied with his wife or his ss.

amber3902's picture

^^^THIS^^^ I agree that it's not being mean but that Draco's standards are just unrealistic for a boy that's been coddled his entire life AND has ADHD.

Drac0's picture

Let me get this straight.

It is unrealistic for me to expect SS to remember to wear socks and boots in the wintertime?

amber3902's picture

For a boy whose mother does everything for him, yes. For a boy that has ADHD, yes.

and here's why -

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=641396&postcount=18

It's unrealistic to expect someone in a wheelchair to be able to run. It's unrealistic for someone that wears glasses to be able to see the chalkboard without them.

ADHD is a handicap just like being in a wheelchair or wearing glasses.

Add to that the fact that your wife has babied him his entire life and it's no wonder he can't remember to do anything for himself.

Drac0's picture

>ADHD is a handicap just like being in a wheelchair or wearing glasses.<

That's total BS!

ADHD is a condition, not a handicap nor a physical anomaly. It's a CONDITION, not unlike saying I am an introvert and you are an extrovert. It's simply the way you process information.

I see now why you think I am being oh-so harsh on poor SS. I refuse to view SS as someone who is handicapped. I've done research on this subject (and by research, I mean going to the library and taking out books on the subject). I've spoken to doctors and other parents who have children who have ADHD. NO WHERE did I ever come across any documentation or opinion that stated that ADHD is a handicap.

Drac0's picture

Before we go any further, I should point out that SS has ADHD the inattentive type which is the lesser form of the condition. I did read somewhere that teenagers/young adults with this condition are more prone to addiction problems. I did not see anything that makes a causal link between ADHD and suicide. The other thing I should point out is that SS was on an IEP for a couple of years but this year it is being phased out completely. The education system's rationale is that by now (at the age of 13), children with ADHD will have learned to "cope" with their condition. It has helped somewhat, but really, all the IEP has done for him this year is afford him an extra 15 minutes on exams.

So the onus is on us to go that little extra distance to make sure SS stays on track. For instance; Asking him "Have you done all your homework?" will not register with him as having all his assigned tasks completed, because in his mind, "homework" means one thing, and in the teacher's/parents mind it means something else. So a typical evening interrogation would look like this:

Drac0: "Have you done all your homework?"

SS: "Yes."

Drac0: "Have you done all your reading assignments?"

SS: "Yes."

Drac0: "Have you studied for your test you are going to have on Friday?"

SS: "Yes."

Drac0: "Have you done any preparation work for that project due at the end of the month?"

SS: *blink* *blink*

Drac0: "Go back to your room and start preparing..."

Then the next day DW has to stay on top of him with the following questions in order to make sure he is ready to leave:

Did you eat your breakfast? Did you remember to pack your bag with everything you need? Including your lunch? Do you have Phys Ed today? If yes, did you remember to pack your gym shorts an t-shirt? Ect.

It's exhausting but it is the only way we can get through to him on what he needs to do to prepare himself.

Drac0's picture

Oh it is most definetly different! After many one-on-one QT with SS, I noticed that something was wrong. I brought it up with DW years ago but she shrugged it off as "stepdad exagerrations". Flash forward a year later after my initial discussions on this and it turns out I wasn't exagerrating. So yeah, it's been a long road with lots of arguments but DW now knows better to listen to my observations rather than cast them aside and view her son through rose-colored glasses. But like I said, things are not completely one-sided in our house-hold. DW does have her points and I have conceeded on some issues. There's not fighting anymore. Frustrations? Yes, but at least DW and I are on the same page.

amber3902's picture

In a way, ADHD is a handicap. It just depends on what your definition of a handicap is. The link I referred to said you should expect less of a child with ADHD than a neurotypical child. If that's not a handicap, I don't know what you would call it.

I don't think you're being harsh, I just think you have unrealistic expectations of SS. I have done a lot of research on ADHD as well, my D15 currently takes strattera for it, and I don't think you understand ADHD. If you did you would not be so surprised at the things your SS does. You would not have the expectations of SS that you do.

You read my previous blog, Draco, do you know what I got beaten for the most? For forgetting things. I would forget to do the dishes, I'd go downstairs to get something and would forget what I went to get. I was a pretty smart kid, always on the honor roll, but I was always forgetting and losing things. Do you think I honestly was forgetting things things on purpose?

Do you think your SS enjoys walking home with no socks on? Do you think SS says let me leave my boots at school so I can walk home and slip on the ice and hurt myself?

Why you continue to be surprised by the things your SS does is beyond me. I don't even live in your house and I'm not surprised anymore.

amber3902's picture

Just for giggles, I just googled the definition of handicap

Handicap - A condition that markedly restricts a person's ability to function physically, mentally, or socially.

Hey, what do you know.

Drac0's picture

I think you may be projecting yourself Amber. Not that I fault you for doing so because you do have the right intentions here....BUT, (and here is where I am hoping to make a point, but if not, then we'll just have to agree to disagree) - when you realized you were forgeting something, how did you feel? Obviously you felt some amount of pain because your mother went bat-sh*t on you. So somewhere in your brain, there is some feeling of shame, remorse, regret or maybe even a "Wish" that you wouldn't be so forgetful?

That's the difference here. SS. JUST. DOESN'T. CARE!!!

When SS says "What's the date today?" I tell him "SS. You have a cell phone with the date fully spelled out on the homescreen. You have agenda book with a calendar insert. We have a giant marked off calendar on our fridge! Why are you asking us!?!?"

SS's response is "I'm just not good with dates."

This to me is like saying "I am stupid and I am perfectly happy being stupid".

Now maybe you can understand my frustration. SS may have ADHD which means he struggles to stay on task but he is NOT a stupid kid. I refuse to believe it and moreover, I refuse to let him reconcile with this belief.

amber3902's picture

Yes, I did care that I forgot. I wished that I didn't forget. But try as hard as I could, I still forgot things. I had to come up with strategies to avoid getting beaten. These were: doing what ever I was told to do the instant I was told to do them, keeping written lists and always writing things down. To this day the two items I always carry with me are post-its and a pencil.

Now, I'm NOT saying you should beat your SS, but since there is no outside "pressure" SS doesn't have to figure out a way to cope with his limitations.

You say you refuse to believe that SS is a stupid kid. But level of intelligence has nothing to do with ADHD.

I DO understand your frustration, I get frustrated with myself and my D15 on these same things. I think that's why I continue to comment on your blogs, because I see a lot of your SS in my D15. She also has ADHD-PI (primarily inattentive). The only thing that has helped me deal with that frustration is understanding that this is a limitation we have to accept.

AND talking to her about my frustrations. I too thought she didn't care, but when I sat down with her and told her why I expect so much out her I saw that she DID care, she just didn't express it the way I expected her to. When I thought she was making excuses for herself, she thought she was explaining her actions to me.

I guess I'm just trying to get you to understand that when you start to accept your SS's limitations your frustration level is going to go down. Trust me, I've been there. It was only when I accepted that my D15 mentally is not on the same level as another child her age that things started to get better. And that's all I want you to understand. But I won't belabor the point anymore.

BTW - the link I referenced earlier is to a ADHD forum. They have information on there about natural alternatives to medication, such as diet, natural supplements, behavior modification, biofeedback, etc. You should post on there, they might be able to help you deal with some of your frustrations with your SS. I know they helped me a lot understanding my D15.

Drac0's picture

SS's report card comes in next week, so (depending on how he did) my level of frustration may be voiced to SS sooner than later - BUT (and I hope to God I am not jinxing this) all signs are pointing to a dramatic improvement.

We'll see....

Drac0's picture

>all I really see is a Mom trying to do her best and a SF who will never be satisfied with his wife or his ss.<

DW is trying her best - but her guilt overides her ability to be an effective parent. I love my wife. She's a great partner, a hard worker, and a great mother to my children. 99% of our disagreements are over SS. The other 1% is over some issue involving the family car or the house. So I really don't see how you can say I will be never satisfied with my wife. I love her very deeply and to even suggest that I am not satified with her solely based on the fact that my writings here rub you the wrong way shows me that you are an extremely poor judge of character.

Drac0's picture

>Not saying I'm crazy about the idea, but I do understand it.<

I can understand this too, but that is not the case with SS. He's just too damn lazy. Even with his sneakers he won't lace them. He'll force his guargantuan feet in to avoid having to do/undo the laces. You know how many sneakers he's gone through in one year? About 6 because he forces his feet in and out to the extent that he cracks the heel portion of the shoe, so DW has to go out and get new ones. So no, SS not wearing boots is not because of some quasi-logistic reasons. It is because he is lazy.

But yeah, I suppose I should learn to commend him when he does remember to wear his boots in sub zero temperatures. Just like I should remember to commend him when he eats more than a third of his plate at dinner time, and commend him when he only goes to bed a half hour past his bed time instead of a full hour. I really must learn to praise mediocrity, - because really - the message here is that I should be ashamed of myself for expecting more out of the baby-teenager.

Drac0's picture

Aaaaand THIS is where I have rubbed people off the wrong way. I am the man of the house in the sense that I am the ONLY adult male of the household BUT that does NOT make me the head-honcho. My wife and I are equal partners. The boots issue annoys my wife to no end (more than it bothers me in fact). Sorry if I wasn't clear on that point but there is no delegation of responsibilities to make sure SS is fully clothed. In point of fact, that responsibility *should* be SS's