"Screw you guys, I'm goin home" - Cartman

"What are you DEAF TOO? I SAID you are a FAT FUCKING COW!!" -Me (One of the very few times I had the mispleasure of having to see BM) I should have thrown BREEDER in there.

Oh sooooo many to choose from, we will go with ones we have ACTUALLY said to her:

"You FOUND someone to have sex with your nasty ass?!?!" - DH

"Be a mom, not a crackhead"- ME

"Welcome to the working world, please get used to it"- ME (last night)

"What was that? I am right??? I know that, but can you say it again please... I need to make sure someone else hears this". - ME

"Seriously, stop paying $8 a pack for smokes, and then come complain to me about not having any money, wait, on the second thougt, don't complain to me... get a job instead". - ME

Here are some funny one's BM has said:

"That fact that he told me to get an abortion, proves that your DH still cares about me". (said to me)

"I can't help him with his math homework, I suck at math." (SS was in the 2nd grade)

A couple years later: "I am going to school to be an accountant"... **SMDH**

"I make more money on unemployment so I am not going to take that job offer".

"It's not like I smoke weed when he is in the room with me, he is usually asleep".

"Now I am skinny and HE is that fat one" (talking about DH) my response "yep he's fat and happy and you are skinny and STILL single".

I will not go to EOW its too much work for me. I take them out to eat on Saturday and to a movie to use up the day but then I am out of ways to entertain them. - BM (MOTY) when asked to move to EOW vs every weekend split because its hard on the kids to bounce every.single.weekend

My BM saying this to me and SO about my Vehicle(yes I own my own car wench):
"So is that your car? Well how come you brought a different car down to pick up the kids then?"(we rent cars when we go on vacation, were not hiding our rent money from you! dumbass)

"So is that your camera? Wow thats a nice camera?"(SO got it for me, had to say parents did)

"Wheres your daughter? How come she's not here with you?" (she's at her paternal grandparents house(my daughter))

Yes BM I want to know the results of your pap smear as well! Give me a break!

BM (not mine) - "I didn't know ya'll (Catholics) believed in Jesus".

I've posted that before but it always makes me laugh.

You have to agree with me on punishment not me with you!
(CO hasn't even been signed and that's not what it says moron) he followed through on punishment with his dd who's been in trouble everyday for 3 weeks at school, to not let her go on a field trip, BM and her "boyfriend" are going to take her this weekend then okay have fun wasting $
Me to BM "I don't cater to stupid"

"No, BM, if we were FRIENDS and I LIKE YOU, we would have stay married".

BM to Judge...last time at court swear!

BM: I have a rare disease.

Judge: What is your rare disease Ms.BM?

BM: It's a rare form of cancer that eats away at my bones, I've had it for years

Judge: Do you know the name of it?

BM: I forgot.

Judge: You forgot your rare disease? What is the outcome of your rare disease?

BM: That I will die.

Judge: Yes Ms. BM, we all will die sooner or later (rolls eyes).

BM is like a gift that keeps on giving....:

BM to SS

SS: Mom what's your favorite book?

BM: The dictionary. But I forget how to spell sometimes.

"I am afraid if I get a job and am not home with my BF all day, he will cheat on me".

A month later "BF is going out of the country to visit his grandma"

A month later "BF was supposed to be home a week ago, he isn't answering his phone".

A month later "I heard BF got some girl over there pregnant and married her".

Next day "I can't work, I'm too depressed".

For BM, getting up in the morning is a career move.

Homage to the late great Phyllis Diller.

Uberskank: The defendant (DH) is using his sense of entitlement to proactively abuse me from a distance.

While DH was layed off
BM: "I'd like to know when you're going to get a job and support your kids!"
DH: "When are you?".....BM was also unemployed at this time......4+ years later and only one of them is working. I'll give you one guess which one!

While BM was screaming at me on the phone:
BM: "You think you're so perfect but you've got 2 kids by 2 different men!"
Me: "And you have 3 kids with 2 different men.....your point is????"

Also while screaming at me on the phone:
BM: "I dare you to have kids with him!"
Still not sure what the hell that is supposed to mean. She asks the step kids on a regular basis if I'm pregnant yet. DH and I have no desire to have more kids. He has two and I have two.....4 is plenty for me!

There are more but that's all I have time to relay for now!

Me to BM- "SO makes the decisions for SS9 on his time, talk to him about it and if you wanted to have total control all the time you shouldn't have decided to go sucking some other guys **** and gotten a divorce."

"I got a job (my first in years). It didn’t pay well, obviously, but we were allowed to eat one hot meal a shift. This was really important, as while I still lived with my ex, he had stopped providing food for me months before."

Hobo BM talking about squatting in DH's house (for nearly a year after their decision to separate. And by "decision" I mean when she had her 2nd affair with a mentally ill cab driver). Seriously, she refused to leave, refused to get a job and even believed that DH should still provide her with food and gas money. haha! After more than 6 months, he cut her off. Wasn't he SUCH an asshole? She nearly would have starved if it weren't for finally finding her low wage, meal providing, job!

I have some really funny lines from her LinkedIn profile too re: her experience at said low wage job... I'll save 'em for another time though...

This was actually said in front of a crowd at a school function.Everyone is catholic there and this was the friday before easter, good friday.
SD running up to FDH and I...

SD 12: BM boyfriend fed us meat tonight for supper! We told him we don't eat meat on fridays and he didn't believe us!

BM BOYFRIEND: You guys aren't catholic!

SD 12:.yes we are!

BM BOYFRIEND: oh yeah which ones of you were baptized?

SD 12: uh, all of us!

BM BOYFRIEND: yeah right!

FDH: YEAH, RIGHT THEY ALL WERE. You and BM must have a great relationship and really care about each other if you have been with her for over three years now and you don't know that she and her entire damn family is catholic!

"The past is the past," - BM to DH after he told her that her new husband had done time in Air Force prison for larceny.