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Being a step parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done!

Dp1261's picture

Here I am feeling hurt again because of my stepdaughter’s drama. We been married for 27 yrs, we have his children, my children and one together. They are all grown with families of their own. His girls have done hurtful things over the years, when I try to defend myself or discuss with my husband he doesn’t want to get involved and this last event became very angry with me after his daughter called crying to Daddy. I feel like my husband should defend me, I’m his wife. I have raised his children alongside mine and always tried to be loving and thoughtful. I’m the Mom who took them to cheer, went shopping for prom dresses, helped plan their weddings. Every so often they get this mean streak and I’m on the other end. When I talk to him or them about it, they turn it around saying I’m trying to make their Dad choose between me and them. After crying and arguing I let it go, forgive and forget. Just can’t seem to get over hurt this time, not sure this marriage can be saved. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks


Maxwell09's picture

Tell your DH that if he isn't going to get involved when it comes to defending you aganst his children, then he needs to keep that mentality when you handle the drama yourself and those same children come running to him to jump all over you. He is being one-sided. I will say that most people don't change. Especially this late in the game. If he is putting you beneath his kids on the totem pole now then there's a good chance he's been doing this to you forever and will continue to choose them over you when it matters the most. You can keep letting him gaslight you (look up the term if you don't know it) or you could disengage and stop dealing with the kids all together OR you can make your get away. 

Merry's picture

Married for 27 years and still drama. That is ridiculous. What is the drama about this time? Not that it matters, but it might be useful to give you some specific ideas.

Read up on disengagement. What do you still do for your steps? If you buy presents for them or their kids, move that responsibility to your DH. Stop socializing with them. That kind of thing.

But I suspect that you have more of a DH problem than a step problem. If he "doesn't want to get involved," then he is part of the problem. These are HIS children. They are too old for discipline and punishments, but he can sure have an adult conversation with them about their behavior. If he's not willing to do even that, then you just might be sunk.

What is it that you want to happen? What boundaries do you need to set so that you take care of yourself? After all those years of taking care of kids, you darn well deserve some peace.

Dp1261's picture

Drama this time was correcting her husband on his actions concerning using our personal things. SD called Daddy crying  now she couldn’t attend any family events because I was mean to her husband. I have disengaged from them much more than ever, your right that I probably need to disengage completely. Our agreement today... when they pull their antics, I’m to go directly to them and handle it between ourselves, leave him out of it. Can’t wait! Getting too old for crock! Used to be important that they loved and respected me, not anymore. Not all about a united, loving family it’s about enjoying life. Oh good, calling to decline dinner for Daddy’s birthday!

ybarra357's picture

Yeah, it would be nice if your gutless DH would say something to his spawn.  However, I think it’s even better that you continue stand up for yourself.  I get my story is different, I wasn’t around the cretin SK's when they were growing up.  I came in when they were already adults.  I went through hell, not only from adult SK’s, but more so from my DH.  He too lacked a spine.  I took the SK BS for three years (I can’t even imagine 27 years), and that’s totally on me, but I finally stood up and ripped the Neanderthals a new one.  Right in front of DH too, much to his chagrin of course.  But too bad.  Of course adult SK started the crying jag and left, pfft so what. If DH was so concerned, he can go too.  I haven't had to set eyes on SK's since!  Best thing I ever did.

Iamwoman's picture

He “doesn’t want to get involved?”

He is involved by the sheer fact that the two of you are married...

What he is really saying is that he enjoys watching the drama unfold from the sidelines and there is no way he is going to put a stop to it, because he doesn’t value you enough to protect you. 

He has basically told you that he is happy with the way things are, which translates into: he is happy when you are unhappy and being disrespected.

Pretty sick if you ask me.