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Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I was going to right this last night but everything was a mess.

The oldest child AGAIN came to me asking about spending equal time with her parents. Not just that but she laid out how she could do it. Starting with her spending 3 days a week with us and then 4 days with her mom. Then she said the next week they could be with us 4 days and their mom 3. My partner and I have never spoken in that great of detail around the children. It is very likely they’ve heard us talk about wanting more time with them but never have we laid out exactly how. I ended up texting him chewing him out and letting him know it’s his fault we aren’t there because of his failing to complete the VA. It angers me because the only thing I get back is “ok”. No, it’s not ok. His daughter wants to be with him more and it’s his own damn fault she can’t.

Then BM really angered me. The short story is she can’t accept a compliment about her son. She is so blinded by how her poor parenting is turning him into a monster when he’s with her that people telling her he’s actually a good child just goes right over her head to the point she was arguing about it. Seriously????? What hope does this kid have if his own mother can’t see the good in him? It made me really mad. I got to hear just what she thought of her own child and she couldn’t even say one nice thing about him. The kid has issues now and then but really it’s all parenting.

So yes I’m pissed at both of the kids parents and as I told my SO there’s absolutely nothing I can do about this.


I love dogs's picture

Did you finally get the CO saying that dad has EOWE? And honestly, if BM doesn't "agree" with the split weeks, it just won't happen legally. How would you get the kids to school on time being an hour away? Surely BM will claim it is disruptive to them, blah blah.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I’ve written about this in the past. The plan is to use the VA to move to the same area the children are enrolled in school in. This will happen soon or later but without the VA it will take years. With the VA we could have already done it.

BM has already started to demand we take the children more because her dad finally started refusing to watch them for her. We’re more than happy to take them.  We know if we lived in the same area she would leave them with us every chance she got. We are keeping track of when we have them. Once we build up a record we would take it to a lawyer and request equal time. We know the oldest wants it and she’s getting closer and closer to when the courts would actually consider her input.

This is all based on what’s best for the children. Right now what’s best is of course her having primary because it’s unreasonable and also impossible for us to drive them an hour to and from school. If we were within the same area then that issue goes away. The children and want deserve equal time with their parents.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You keeping saying "we" a lot. You have always done that. The problem is, your idea of what "we" means and your SO's idea of what "we" means is different.

You see "we" as moving forward as fast as possible to get 50/50. You see yourselves as taking action TODAY to make that happen. Your SO...he may share the same thoughts as you,  but his drive for immediate action isn't anywhere near where yours is.

You HAVE to step back and let HIM handle this. If cries from his own child won't push him to action, and your own pushing has barely moved him an inch, then there is little else you can do. He HAS to start adulting more if he wants things to change. Until he does, then he doesn't want the change bad enough.

As I have said for, what, a year now, you HAVE to step back and let him steer this ship. They are HIS kids and HIS responsibility. There is only so much you can do, and you are coming to an end of that rope before you start majorly sacrificing yourself. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Your SO just isn’t the type to get the ball rolling about things. Like getting a job or getting benefits or taking care of business is just something that doesn’t come natural to him. You want him to be someone he is not. 

You have two options: find a man who is more of a go getter or accept that your SO is not and stop pushing. You want things certain way but it ain’t happening. They are HIS children and you can’t do it for him. 

You are constantly stressed mad or upset about situations with SO or his kids or something that BM does or doesn’t do. It’s likely effects your physical and mental health. You are still young and it’s not the way to live for a young woman. You already make major sacrifices largely financially supporting him and his children and you aren’t even married or engaged. Now you are also sacrificing your mental health, all while he isn’t doing his part.

 If you don’t step back and stop stressing, you are going to get really sick and you have many years ahead of you dealing with this. Life is too short