BM punishing SO
Well BM is back to her crap of using the kids to punish SO. She's pissed that he is actually sticking to the order and not giving up his Spring Break.... Go figure it's like he cares about spending time with his kids. You know he requested off months ago for this time but really it’s all just so she can’t have them.
So yeah to get back at him she is refusing to let him see them outside of the mandatory time which is in all fairness her right BUT does lead me to this question.
When SO goes for 50/50 custody. Does it help to present recordings of her flat out saying he can't have them because he won't let her take away his court order time?
This is basically blackmail and not the first time. There is no offer of "will you switch this day" and with her behavior we know not to do that. It's upsetting because the day we are asking we know she works so the kids are the only ones losing in this situation but her only care is that it punishes SO for daring to going against her.
SO offered to handle all transportation and was asking for one extra night so they could join us for something special. It’s not something that can be moved or will happen again any time soon so that was why he actually tried. Thankfully he is always able to keep his cool so when she pulls this crap the recordings show who is the real issue when it comes to co-parenting.
Again let me stress. It’s her right to say no. That’s fine but she very clearly says she does this to get back at him. She has flat out told him in the past “if you do X you won’t ever get them during MY time again.” It may be her time but she doesn’t have them and wont for at least 48 hours if not longer. He couldn’t get her to agree to real rights of first refusal so that wasn’t an option to stop this.
I'll also add that we have her clearly saying that SHE doesn't have to follow the court order and that it doesn't mean anything. SHE decided she want's to try and follow some other order she found that was never presented through court but even that doesn't give her the ability to take away the days she tried to and is now punishing him for.
Edited to add- BM is the custodial parent. If I’m correct that means she has a higher responsibility to help facilitate a positive relationship with the children’s dad. Her punishing him has a higher chance of harming the children because of that extra power she has by being the custodial parent.
In my eyes that means what she is doing is very wrong. Not just petty but could be seen as parental alienation. Being custodial means she has the privilege of enjoying more time with the children, having an easier time being a part of their lives, and being a positive influence. With that privilege I believe one should be required to take on more responsibility and her violation of that should be considered when SO makes his request for equal time as a parent.
Personally I’m in the boat that if a custodial parent acts this way they should lose the rights and privileges of a being custodial since they’ve shown they cannot act in the best interest of the children.
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Courts don't care about BM
Courts don't care about BM facilitating a relationship with dad outside of the CO. Just what's written in. Recordings may help, but in our experience, dads are scum and BMs walk on water.
Don't get too hopeful for 50/50 right away, either. Dad moved away and it's been how long? Courts don't favor parents who move away from their kids, even if BM is a psycho harasser. So, I predict that dad will be told that the kids are well adjusted with BM and that 50/50 would disrupt their lives.
Sorry I'm so cynical, but I've been dealing with a narc, BP BM for almost 8 years and 5 years in court. That's just how the cookie has crumbled for us. Court is messy and puts BMs (like both of ours) in super fight/ control mode to keep their precious children away from their father to keep up their MOTY image.
It also breaks my heart that you say BM blatantly favors SS over SD.
I think you'll get a lot
I think you'll get a lot further in court by proving that SO can make 50/50 feasible versus showing that she's being obtuse. All she has to do is remind the judge that SO left in the first place and make a sob story about not wanting to pay CS for the judge to question your SO's motives.
HOWEVER, if SO shows that he is capable and willing to take 50/50 without the promise of 50/50, I think that would do a lot more. This means finding a place to rent in their school district that is on a bus route. This means each of them having their own rooms with their own beds with clothes, shies, toys, decor, etc. This means going to the school and adding his name to all their paperwork and signing up for the online school portals. This means having before and after school care lined up.
This may take time. He may have to prove for a full school year that he is invested and actively participating as much as possible. If BM sends any incriminating messages, save them. If BM gives SO extra time, keep a record. If she starts dropping the kids with him at work or home, immediately inform your attorney and take a time-stamped picture with the kids.
I would focus more on your SO showing he is a good father who can and will make 50/50 work versus showing that BM is making it hard to even have EOWE.
I agree with your suggestions
I agree with your suggestions if dad wants to look like he isn't being petty and playing the "poor divorced dad card".
However, my H didn't do anything to prove he didn't deserve 50/50. No, he just "abandoned" cheating BM and by the time they went to court, BM had had SD for over 2 years and acted like she never denied DH reasonable visitation. She did, by the way, claiming that DH never wanted to see SD when the truth is, she was trying to push him away.
All a CP BM has to do is claim how horrible it is for skids to be with their biological father for crying out loud!! and unless there is severe alienation or abuse on her part, dad will never win. I've seen it time and time again.
In our case SO didn't even
In our case SO didn't even abandon BM though he had every reason to. Her cheating and physically abusing him yet he tried his best to provide the best for his family. She left him and refused to let him see the children at all. She did lie repeatedly saying he would refuse to see them yet can't produce any evidence to that fact while we can show repeated blackmailing. And I'm not just talking "you made me mad, you can't see them" but flat out "if you don't give me 100 dollars you wont get to see them." This was before child support was enacted and we can show where she stole money from him to go out partying and drinking for 3 days straight including hotel, bar, and licoure store receipts.
Yes in our case the only reason SO had no chance of becoming primary custodial is that BM had been it on paper for 6 months when she file. Given 3 of those months she maybe saw / kept the kids one night a week but forbid her family from letting him see or keep them. To the point that IF family let her know that he was coming to get them she would rush back, take them, then disappear for a few days before calling at 10 PM at night some night screaming he needs to come get them right now, didn’t matter if he was at work or not.
But yeah the only thing the court sees is that mom has had them and she should keep them. They don't care if that means a new man is living with them every time BM needs to pay rent. They don't care if that means the kids spend over half of her time with her family not even having a bed to sleep on. They do treat the kids like a possession because in our case that was the primary factor to be considered.
I can't even call these
I can't even call these things "women". They are disgusting scum and I wish they weren't breathing our precious air. Read my 2 most recent blogs if you have time. Even though they'll have their giving, "kind" moments (when they need something), they never stop playing games and thinking that their ex (or whomever) must bow to them.
She never has "giving" or
She never has "giving" or "kind" moments. It's always about her. If we get extra it's because it's convenient to her. Last time we had extra she had forgotten they were out of school and didn’t want to watch them that day. When grandpa actually said not to her leaving the kids with him she “allowed” SO to have the extra time. She was so eager she “allowed” me to pick them up. I say “allowed” because she demanded.
THEN she turns around a few weeks later and starts crying when it’s his holiday and how she “didn’t know.” I’ve complained about this before. The woman has the exact same paperwork we do but of course can’t be bothered to read anything that concerns what time my partner has. She tries saying he’s not allowed to have them because she “gave them” to him. Yes because children are possessions to be given to their father. I know it seems like a wording thing but to her that’s what it is. They are HERS and she treats them like things.
Your last sentence couldn't
Your last sentence couldn't be more true. Our BM used to "trade" time. As in, she couldn't abide by the schedule she dictated, so DH would have to give up his time to convenience BM. Now, BM just gives SD to him when she needs personal time but will never adjust the CO because that would mean she's not MOTY! Now, DH refuses to see reality so ST is my only outlet at this point.
Our intent is to be set up
Our intent is to be set up completely as if the children were to come live with us 24/7. It will happen weather or not he get's 50/50.
SO is on all the school paperwork and was never removed. He is active in their schooling and has regular communication with both teachers. He is present at events because he follows the school calendar and stays informed through the website though there is no parent portal.
He is actively participating and involved in rising his children as much as he possibly can. He moved away for what was best for the children to be able to maintain a job, provide support, and a better home. Before moving in he lived in a one bedroom and the children didn't even have their own bed but that was the best he could do living in that town.
We intend to move closer by the end of the year if not earlier when his VA disability is finalized. He or I will be taking the children to their school by car. I have never observed busses at their current school. When they are older maybe that is an option since this only goes up so high. We will live within 30 minutes of the current school.
It's not just BM making it hard; it's that she's blackmailing him. That she is neglecting the children currently though not illegally. That she is engaging in parental alienation while showing she is unable to provide a stable home life for the children though that is through personal choice. She is showing herself unable to manage the little one’s behavior, which is her responsibility while the children are in her care. Without giving him more time there’s little more he can do to help improve the children’s behavior.
It’s to show that her continued status as custodial parent is not in the best interest of the children. We will build 50/50 off of just having them the time she already does not, which is from the time she drops them off Friday morning to the time she picks them up Monday after school. Pair that with requesting his two week day evenings being turned into one extra night every other week and you have 50/50. Friday night through Monday morning one week or 3 nights, then Thursday night through Monday morning, which is 4 nights. That puts them both at 7 nights out of 14 or 50/50. It’s better for the children to be in their home with their father rather than sleeping on the floor at their grandfathers while BM is at work.
Being in our home already have all needs provided as well as reasonable comforts and extras. The new place will be large enough for them each to have their own home. Hoping for a nice fenced in back yard. Space for them to ride bikes, have a family dog, and a nice big dinner table.
SO and I were talking about fighting for 50/50 without trying to stop child support for at least a year or so. Basically agreeing to continue it at the same rate for at least 1 year after the custody change. Legally in our state you either pay or don’t. 50/50 while still paying child support of any amount is very uncommon. The plan is to put them in my insurance if it’s possible with us covering that completely while the rest of that part doesn’t change.
Basically this is just extra on top to show her character. That she does not have the children’s best interest in mind and will engage in behavior that is harmful to them if it punishes her ex. It’s to break that MOTY image she wants to project. It’s not what the whole case will be built on.
Your side can say,
A court order of visitation is to be used as a guideline (fact)
One component to decide who is best suited for Custodial IS indeed who will be facilitate AND encourage bonds with ncp. Or so it is claimed to be. (huge eye ball roll from me because it is rare cp does it).
Dontfeedthetrolls, a long time ago there was a poster named Orange County. Great guy with a lot of wisdom. He told us here on ST, "Don't ask for changes and do not give any changes to the court order"...He was right.
Your best bet is to migrate back to the area and seek 50 50. In the mean time,,,don't ask bm for anything and I mean, dont ask for anything. Be proactive with school and medical and remain silent with bm. Use teachers as your allies. Although you cant call, boyfriend can email etc.
Everything you say or vibes you send to BM will use against your BF.. She will not know how to react IF you dont ask her for zoom. Follow current order, pick UP on days and times as usually, same for drops. DON'T ask for the kids to come early because of a special event. Who cares...the special event could have been scheduled when the kids were in your town. Trust me BM will bang that over boyfriends head in court she may say HE does not respect (nor his family) her time with the chilllddddreeeen.
Hang in there, ok? Goal 50 50 and goal to prove kids benefit from 50 50. Look into KY who just past 50 50 shared custody into law for fit parents. READ about it inside and out, learn the language. Integrate the language and position. The new focus for you must be less of what BM is doing (hard I know) but more about why 50 50 is best for the kids. All this junk with bm will look very bad not with her, but for your team.
No the special event could
No the special event could not be scheduled for when the kids are with us. I don’t have control over it. We don’t expect her to give us the time. It’s more to show he is asking and trying because she could just as easily say “I’d give him more time but he doesn’t ever ask.” How many fathers get painted as bad guys because they don’t try to do anything outside of the standard orders?
It’s fine for her to say no. We respect that. I also think it’s fine for him to be able to show that she is flat out admitting her refusal is either to punish or control him. I don’t think a judge is going to like seeing her say “If you continue to take them to see your mother then you will never see them again.” Considering his mother is their grandmother and has every right to see her grandchildren. The woman is no threat to the children, not a felon, nor a druggie or anything else and yet we have children who are confused asking why mommy says “that’s not my family and she has no right to see me.” This is where a GAL will help.
His requests are done calmly. “May I have the children on x date?” He offers to handle all transportation. There is no threat in his tone and he doesn’t respond to her hatefulness. If she asks why he will explain then that’s it. Let her rant and rave while he ignores. I don’t see it as baiting if he doesn’t respond to her messages attacking him.
If he never asks then the answer will always be no and like I said we don’t want a judge to say “why should I give you extra time when you aren’t even trying.” I don’t want her to turn around and say “well I’d let him but he doesn’t try.”
All the communication goes through text and any of my venting goes here. She doesn’t see us in person. Maybe she gets to feel good turning him down but he doesn’t get into fights with her and he doesn’t bring the kids into this. He sticks to “May I have them” then leaves it be.
How can him asking to see his children more from time to time be seen as a bad thing? The order clearly states that parents are allowed and even encoruaged to make adjustments that work for them and are in the best interest of the children. It says that those changes must go through writing.
???
Did I read correct? BM has found a sample CO/PP she likes better than the one already completed and ordered and currently residing in the courthouse having been signed off on by the judge?
Finalized, what, a couple weeks ago? But now she found one (on the internet?) she likes better? Lol. Surely she knows this isn't how CO/PP work? Surely she knows if she wants to go for a different one she 'likes' better that the current one must be modified through the process not by wishes and demands.
I've only read a few blogs today, but the ones I've read seem to be showing something in the air. Spring fever? Is it perhaps frying their brains? They seemed to have all went batsh*t crazy. Anyway....
For now, it's the ROFR I'd be keeping my eye on and working towards. Yeah 50/50 maybe one day but for now, IMO the easiest to be awarded to have modified and included in current CO/PP would be ROFR. Yes, BM's time is BM's time and she doesn't have to grive it up... but she isn't using her time. She is giving it away to anyone and everyone BUT Dad. So obviously her custody time isn't all that important to her, she just doesn't want to let Dad have more time.Even if it's time ( a lousy day or overnight here or there) that wouldn't affect the CS she receives.
Enough documented stretches of 24-48hrs where BM does not actually have her children and a judge just might decide whether BM agrees or not, ROFR giving their father who desires the extra time is called for.
Being a 'punishing' GUBM because she is angry this year is Dad's Spring Break and he won't waive it so she denies a request for an afternoon special event to have the kids attend, is one thing. Yeah, being a snot because she can. Not much Dad can do about that. However being able to show a pattern of 24-48hr stretches of zero contact with their mother on their mother's time, just might get a modified inclusion of ROFR. Sure, she'll ignore that too ( after-all, she doesn't like it) but then the more attempts of contempt over this that and the next thing could eventually build up to helpin the long run of the goal of 50/50 or even change of primary custody. WalkOnBy's BM lost WOB's skids due constantly snubbing her nose at the CO.
Not exactly but close enough.
Not exactly but close enough. BM has caused hell every single time the order gives him anything more than every other weekend. Every single holiday she cries and makes threats that he won’t get them.
Here's what happen concerning the visitation order. Last summer BM threw all sorts of fits over everything. First it was "you can't have the little one 6 weeks" because she hadn't read the order far enough. Then it was her demanding to change the order to a week on, week off because "6 weeks is too long for the kids". SO stuck to the order. Then she threw a fit when after the 6 weeks it returned to him having every other weekend. We can only guess she "assumed" she would get the same 6 week block though that is nowhere apart of the order nor have I ever heard of that.
SO in august SO gets a new order from her lawyer that gives her the ability to take away one weekend and give her almost a month straight if she is smart about how she does it however that wasn’t the only change. It also added some minor holidays to the rotation. When the first one came up she tried saying she didn’t know. SO had accepted the new order and she was given the same thing.
Then as they get close to finishing this there were a few wording changes in a different part of the order. SO is given a copy of the rewritten order and low and behold the old visitation agreement has been returned. This copy goes between them both and is presented to a judge BEFORE the final court date so that he can approve of things like CS, insurance, visitation, division of marital assets, and things like that.
After that SO is sent the FINAL COPY. He gets it motorized and signs it because if he does that’s it. It’s uncontested and that is what he has agreed to. It gets mailed to her and SHE submits it to the court and it gets approved. That’s it, done, signed, and filed. He gets the copy where she signed it after, it was heard by the judge, he approved, and it got filed.
Well SO goes to get the kids and BM calls him about something minor and he gives her a friendly reminder that he will be getting the kids this Friday for Spring break. She goes ballistic and starts saying that’s not what the order says. He was out so he just said he is sure it is and will check when he gets home and that is when she started to claim he had switched the orders on her. He gets home and takes a picture of the order about Spring break and she saying that he has the wrong order. That he changed it and that she refuses to follow it.
The thing is the ONLY change between the orders was concerning summer vacation and the extra holidays. There was NOTHING different about anything else so Spring break would still be happening exactly like it is.
And on top of that even if he did change it, which I know he didn’t, she was in control of it at the end. He signed and from there it was up to her. She is the one who actually submitted it. If she didn’t like it she only had to refuse, return it to him with changes and get him to sign again. When he received what was supposed to be the final copy he read it and saw that she had replaced the newest visitation they had been following with the old one. With how she was behaving over the last order he truly thought that she was trying to pull a fast one on him because the new only really helped him the most which of course she didn’t like. He decided to go ahead and go with what he had and be done with it.
In the end she had just as much ability to read and then sign and then submit that final paperwork but now she’s screaming that he tricked her. Even if he did, which again I know he didn’t, that’s on her. This is the final agreement that was signed, submitted, and filed through the courts. This is the custody order and this is what he is following.
Again this isn’t our first issue with her and any visitation outside of every other weekend. She tried saying he couldn’t have them for Christmas. Tried refusing him time on their birthdays. Tried every way till Sunday to change summer break. Pretty much refused till the last moment for Easter. I could go on. She will NEVER be happy with an order that doesn’t mean he’s paying child support but has not ability to ever see the kids.
Forgot. As for Rights of
Forgot. As for Rights of First Refusal.
BM tried to get him to agree to them but she had altered them to say that they took effect after the parent or grandparent couldn't keep the kids and that's how she would get away with it. The childrens grandfather is the main one who watchs them while she is at work.
He will be building his 50/50 out of the time she already works. I think if we're already going to be fighting, because there is no way she will just agree to it, it's best that we go for 50/50 and include RoFR. If he only gets RoFR then great. It's better than nothing.