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All the hard work for nothing.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

That’s got to be one of the hardest things in all of this. SO’s son M is 4. He’s very difficult at times but the thing is it’s not his fault. He’s not being taught different. We fought with him through the whole 6 week visitation. Not just me. It’s his dad leading it or else my attempts would be useless. We set rules and we stood by them. We saw improvement.

Not 4 days after he goes back to mommy and all of that work is for nothing. Mommy doesn’t want to make the 4 year old behave. She doesn’t want to make him sad or angry. She doesn’t want to be his parent. She wants to be his friend.
So all the work is for nothing in the long run. He continues to struggle with basic behavior but it’s not his fault when you’ve got a mother who won’t be the adult.

Then on top of it you’ve got mommy calling yelling that things need to change. Blaming dad for her failings. Stop carrying your son, stop using a sippy, don’t let him do this, make him do that. Oh it’s just so hard he won’t listen.

Women he’s not that way with us.

And it's not just impacting him. It impacts his sister. She has to deal with it. She has to put up with him physically attacking her, taking her things, and spiting on her because "oh he's just a baby". She has to do this and that and everything for him because either he won't or can't and mommy doesn't want to do it. No 7 year old should be bathing her brother and dressing him because mommy's too lazy to make him do it himself. Sure the melt down's sucked the first few weekends but the boy knows how to put on his pants.

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Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

To hurt their father. She knows he wants them. She refuses to give him extra time. He truly believes in a few year's she will get tired of it and just drop them on us.

The boy is very capable when you make him. He can dress himself no problem. Sure he needs help with buttons but if you listen to him he can't even put on his shirt.

He's also difficult around meals. But why eat your chicken when mommy just gives you cake or goes and makes you cereal. He tries that at our place. He will refuse to eat something that we KNOW he likes, say pizza. Just because he'd rather play or because he want's the cookie cereal. Doesn't happen in our home. I've had a screaming child at 10 PM because he didn't eat dinner (and had thrown it away) then wouldn't eat the fruit cup I gave him because he wanted cereal. 10 minutes later he's passed out in bed.

Livingoutloud's picture

If my child was that poorly parented, I'd demand 50/50 (if not full time). No way I'd be ok with it if children were not getting proper treatment in other persons hone. Is he asking for 50/50? If not he should

Livingoutloud's picture

Sorry your dh got such raw deal.

Ops DH can move closer though. It's not a different state. Other dads get 50/50. I just wonder if he can see a kid more

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

My SO purposely moved an hour away because it brought some sort of peace to his home as well as the kids life. No more of this crap where she's leaving the kids at 10 PM expecting him to get them to school the next day. No more random run ins at Walmart with her demanding he give her money and her following him to the car. No more phone calls to his work demanding he speak to the kids because M wont listen.

Yeah it sucks but they can't live in the same town. Hell my sister and I love each other but we can't be in the same town. We drive each other nuts and were not out to make hell for each other.

My SO has requested more weekends out of the month since she works all weekend and leaves them with grandma. She refuses because she can. My SO will call her because there's some special event going on and he wants to take them but nope kids stay with grandma because then she has power and after all its her time.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

WOW this sounds very similar to our situation.

He would love 50/50 but he did move about an hour away to get away from her. She was literally costing him his job with her craziness. Things like calling him all the time or having other's call if he ignored her, not just his cell phone but the work phone. The final straw was when she started randomly dumping the kids on his door when she knew full well he had to work. Since it was just him he would have to take off work for the full night. She'd then show up about 2 hour's later but by then he'd already lost the shift.

He was in the army and she cheated on him constantly as well as was psychical abusive but who believes a male victim. He finally left the army and not two months later she leaves him because of course no more big bucks. She left one morning taking the kids and everything.

When I met him he had stabilized and was living on his own but he couldn't take the kids from her then as he was a single father with no family working a night shift. Since she'd had them over a year by the time they started the divorce and custody he basically has to prove she's unfit. Not that shes a crappy mother who leaves them with her sick mother so she can go party or moves a man in after less than a month. Nope that's not enough.

So yeah EOWV SUCKS. And yeah mom doesn't really want to work on parenting together. She just wants to whine and blame him that her precious angel is a monster that she's creating. Thankfully son does alot better with us because he is learning the rules but it's still hard because we do have alot of resistance at first. Then by the time he's back to behaving its back to mom.

That 10 PM crap was the night after he got back from mom's. We put the kids to bed by 8 and even on the worst nights he's asleep no later than 9.

Livingoutloud's picture

My DH's ex tried to cause him trouble at work when he wouldn't pick up the phone and subsequently blocked her. She called his work and said crap and they don't even have minor kids, kids are long grown. He eventually moved towns and jobs because he was afraid she'll do something to cause him a job. So it's understand having to move away

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Thank you for understanding. I tend to get so much negativity because people see it as him being a poor father instead of just trying to get some peace. His work was understanding but they can only let him call in so much. It was a place that couldn't just block her number because the type of work. Ontop of that the bull was costing him hours which impacts his check. She doesn't care if he ends up homeless.

That's how stupid and blind she is at times. She thinks destroying him is a good plan. Cause yes then he really can pay to support the kids.

She will brag about him having car trouble. Cause yes if I'm not able to borrow my mom's truck that means the kids don't see dad and that's completely healthy for them. Or we take his jeep and end up stranded on the said of the rode with the kids. Thankfully it's only happened with me and him in it.

Lawyers cost money so he really can't afford a car payment. He fixes what he can and then pays repairs for the other stuff. Still cheaper then a new car. Last time it was 200 dollars to have car break down 30 miles down the road but the place denies they did anything wrong. He and my dad spent hours the next day repairing the "new" damage.

Yet ontop of this he's considered horrible for not driving down and hour then back to spend 3 hours with the kids on a Wednesdays when he works nights the same day. Sure he can take the kids to the park in the middle of a rain storm or 100 degree weather and get them McDonald's for dinner. Where do they do homework? Oh at McDonalds. Totally worth it to everyone.

No mom should care enough about the kids to let them spend 1 extra weekend a month with dad instead of their great grandmother while she's at work.

Or he can somehow come up with 5000 to TRY to get them through the court but he's not mom so that's unlikely to work because kids need their mom.

Livingoutloud's picture

Rosalu it sounds awful. Poor your DH

My DH was originally made to pay so much spousal support that he would simply become destitute. After few months they said they made a mistake and recalculated and knocked off few hundreds. But it's still a ton.

When judge awarded her such high spousal support and for so many years (10) it was because "she needs it to get on her feet as she never worked", when DH said she has a college degree and it won't take that long to get a job he was told "her degree is just a "feel good" degree and she'll need to get something else".

Well we still have 6 years left to pay and she still doesn't work and isn't in school. Still smoking pot all day, has phone sex (we think lol because that's what she did when they were married) and lives off spousal support and welfare.

My DH actually has a disability ( not like your DH) yet he never didn't work, and he supported her for the duration of marriage (she couldn't keep a job) and after the divorce and she is healthy as a bull.

Pharlap's picture

Yup, this.

Granted we have 50/50, but kids are smart and know what they can and can't get away with each parent. BM is always talking about how SS (at 8!) threw a tantrum or gave her lip and she does nothing but make excuses for it ("I think he was tired/sick! The other kids made him act like that!") and it doesn't do him any favors. Any time she says something SO just responds with "Hmmm we don't have any of those issues at my house."

He can try to explain to her until she's blue in the face about what the problem is, but parents like this (both divorced and intact families) won't change unless they see that the problem is with them excusing this behavior or not correcting it.