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What can you do to stop BM from alienating adult step-children from me?

Donnadreams's picture

The BM of my step kids has reintroduced herself into my step daughter's life. She has a full blown campaign against me trying to turn my adult step children against me, my son-in-law's parents and my brother and sister-in-law. What can I do to stop her? Is there any law against what she's doing? With the kids being adults, I know it's up to them to choose what to believe but her actions are nothing short of slander. Have any of you ever had to deal with this? Thanks.


Delilah's picture

There is very little you can do imo.

That said, think about this logically and strategically. Potentially your adult skids may want to renew their relationship with what I assume has been an absent BM and sometimes they will do anything to win the approval of that parent, even throwing the bio dad/SM who has been there under the bus to achieve it, but this doesnt always have to happen. So if I were you I would NOT get
Angry in front of adult skids or bil/sil, instead every time something untrue/nasty is said by bm then refute it calmly, factually and act bewildered, hurt by always always calm (break down away from them). This serves to remind everyone of the actual truth which you have said really rationally while crazy bm shows her colours. Allow her to dig her grave and help her out. E.g bm says "sm stole dh and stopped me from seeing you" really calmly "I am really surprised and confused as to why she said that. I met DH in x year, x years AFTER the divorce. Dh and I would offer weekends/hols allll the time so bm could see you - such as x time and x time however bm told us she couldnt/didnt want to cos of y....".

You are not being nasty, slanderous or untrue in your defence and instead are correcting bms venomous vitirol, while remaining like the sane person you are. You are also undermining and addressing the pasing by bm, do so every time and I would imagine all adults will see the truth and take their hat off to you at remaining rational while bm is being vile.

If bm is harassing you, then do the above and then take steps toprotect yourself e.g. " I am so sorry that what your bm is saying is upsetting you. Obviously I am not sure why she is focusing her unhappiness on me and I feel given she is escalating ans not stopping I will just have to protect myself with a restraining order.."

hereiam's picture

What kinds of things is she saying about you?

Has your DH talked to his kids about this? Or have you?

If they are adults and still willing to listen to what BM has to say about you, I'm not sure there is much you can do. BM has not been around much until recently? They should have already been able to form their own conclusions about you by now. You have been married to your DH for 22 years, right?

After all this time, I don't even get what BM's motives are or why the adult steps (or the others) would entertain her nonsense. They all sound like a bunch of assholes that I, personally, would be happy to do without.

My SD is 23 and lives with BM. As far as I know, BM does not bad mouth me anymore but I really couldn't care less. She used to, to anyone who would listen, including my husband's family (who knew me for years before I started dating my DH). I want nothing to do with people who are so easily and blindly led, they can have each other. It's that "mob" mentality and it just takes the one person to get everyone all riled up and willing to go along. The fun will eventually die down. Try to IGNORE.

I know it hurts, though.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Not really much you can do about it.

If they are weak enough to go along with it and are incapable of independent thought and so easily swayed against you you don't need those kind of people in your life anyway.

Disengage, cut your losses and move on.

Donnadreams's picture

I must really be a threat to her for my existence to consume her. Thanks for all of your comments and help.