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Unappreciated and Insulted

donewithdrama35's picture

Well this week has pretty much been a shitty one. SD18 has been home from college and thank God is going back today for a few weeks until Christmas. Then she'll be home until late January... UGGHHHH... but supposedly splitting her time between our house and mommy dearest's. 

So I am just going to rant for a few minutes here as I currently hate everyone in the house- except my cats of course! 

Before SD's arrival to casa de our house I was thoughtful enough to go out and buy toiletries for her bathroom.. why you might ask? Because I'm a moron doormat. Bought her tampons, body wash, and shaving cream, She don't give a F#$K.

I bought a pillow top mattress cover for her bed as she mentioned it's much harder then the one in her dorm... also does NOT give  a F&#K. 

Before she goes to mommy's on Thanksgiving she mentions that mom took in a deadbeat relative and deadbeat has a cat. Mommy ACTUALLY likes this cat (side note- mommy threw 2 cats out that OSS23 brought to her house a couple years ago when he was living there briefly. Cats ended up here and I ended up finding a no-kill shelter to bring them to). ANYWAY- I deflect. SD goes on and on about how this cat is ACTUALLY nice and lets people pick it up. This was just a way to take a dig at our cats that she has no interest in and never has. 

Oh and then she mentions she's going to mom's early because mom forked over the $10 a month for a gym membership SD is going to clean her house for her. This part almost made me lost my shit on the spot. Are you FU#$ING kidding me??? Everything we provide and do and princess NEVER lifts a finger at our house EVER. Holy crap this makes me irate again even typing it. In fact- DH and I had a conversation before she got home about keeping things clean around here and doing her part. So- her bathroom garbage is overflowing with tampons. She never wraps up the used carboard/plastic part... just tosses them in the garbage and it disgusts me. I told DH to have her empty her garbage and I catch him down there doing it!!!!!! He's a moron. She'll never learn... just continue to be a disgusting person. Guess who won't be buying anymore tampons for her in the future??! ME! 

Then... there's my Thanksgiving leftovers. I dont toot my own horn much but there's one thing I know... I'm a fantatstic cook! LOL. Seriously though... and my Thanksgiving meal is the bomb. Kids were at their mom's for Thanksgiving but I still made a bunch of extra food thinking everyone would enjoy the leftovers. On Friday my DH and I are heating up lots of goodies when SD comes out of her room and proceeds to make Raman Noodles. Raman F&#KING Noodles. I wanted to punch her in the face. I'm sorry- that's just insulting. 

To make matters worse DH and I have been fighting all week. He is SO defensive over her it makes me insane. I can't say a damn word about her without him getting mad. I'm in the dog house today because I "embarassed him" last night when she was in the basement with her friends. I couldn't find my cat and I was worried someone could've accidently let him out. So I was getting a little loud and frustrated. BIG DAMN DEAL. I don't give a shit. 

I've decided I'm not doing jack diddly squat for anyone going forward. No more special baked goods. No little personal items just to be thoughtful. I'm just done! UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

Thanks- needed to let that out! Ready to explode over here. 


Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like the good thing is that at least your skids are all over 18. Since your husband won't back you, and gets defensive, the only option left is to disengage. It's temporary at least since she lives on campus. Be distant but polite to her. Hello, goodbye, i like your shoes if you are feeling generous. If asked directly how you feel about something be honest but otherwise be noncommittal. If she leaves a mess, ask your husband to please clean it up. Minimize her effect on you and know it's temporary. And never, ever allow her to move back in full time. 

JRI's picture

Rant on, that's what we are here for.  I can tell that you've put up with years of Stephell, like most of us.  Here's an outsiders view:

You bought supplies and a nice mattress cover because you had a houseguest coming, and she is a relative so, of course, you layed in supplies and equipped the bed comfortably. Our relatives (sister, cousin) seldom thank us for this.

BM's poor animal history is beyond our control as long as she doesn't dump any more pets on you.  You are a good person who handled OSS's cat problem humanely.

SD has no clue that mentioning cleaning at her mom's brings out her lack of help at your house.  Frankly, as an 18yo college student, it's probably too late to retrain her.  If DH wants to clean up after her, wonderful, don't you do it.  "Honey, SD forgot to empty her trash can, would you please get it?"

I long ago decided to overlook my SKs odd food choices and my life improved substantially.  I thought their food choices were personally insulting to me, too ( big fast food preference). I now think it was a preference for the taste consistency of fast food.  They hadn't been exposed to very many foods.

The biggest issue, from here, is the upset with DH.  For me, that was always the worst.  If I were you, I would disengage from SD.  Don't discuss her with him, don't argue with him.  No special cooking for her, no baking. Just be civil and polite to her.    She can furnish her own supplies, feed herself, etc.  He can clean up after her.  She is 18, she is on her way out.  Live your own life.

You sound like a good person with a lot of love to give.  She sounds like a normal, self-absorbed 18 yo SD.   Turn your love toward your DH and others in your circle.  Good luck.


Sotheysay's picture

Ah I agree with most of what you have to say but I think you are way to sensitive about her eating ramen at this point I think anything even the most insignificant would piss you off 

marblefawn's picture

Haha, yea, that's what happens when someone keeps hitting your bruise.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Sounds as if you're feeling frustrated and resentful, which is understandable. Adults between the ages of 18-22 are often a huge pain in the butt, and it's very common for there to be strife between the old bear and the young bear. It's basically about territory and resources. You're a good candidate for disengagement.

First step to gaining emotional distance is, stop throwing pearls before other people's swine. Your H's daughter is HIS guest and HIS responsibility. No tampons? She's an adult and will figure it out. Bed is too hard? Oh? Many people prefer a firm mattress. Garbage in the bathroom? Tell your H. The goal is to have the problem handled, not control how it's done. Your DH gets to clean up after Miss Piggy. She doesn't appreciate your cooking? Good, more for you. Don't cook for her. Quit treating her as an honored guest, and refer all matters concerning her to her father.

You are NOT obligated to care about this girl, or do anything for her. In doing so, you only set up a scenario in which she fails and you get aggravated. So step back from all things skid, and recategorize her in your mind as simply an extended relative of your H's. The more emotional distance you can create, the less attachment you have to your H's baggage, and the happier you'll be.

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Disengage completely. I didn't cook extra for skids over thanksgiving. We are enjoying our leftovers and we plan to eat them all before skids get here tomorrow morning. Don't do anything special for her. I stopped doing anything special for my skids over three years ago. They don't appreciate it. Funny story this month  SD tried to give me a hint that she wanted me to pick up a plant for her dads birthday as a gift from her "maybe if I could get a plant for him that'd be great. If you're going to the store soon let me know or I don't have to go either."  Pretty ambiguous so I just let it go. I said not sure if I'm planning on going to the store but will let you know if I do. Well come time to give gifts she had none to give her dad lol!

CLove's picture

Time to really disengage. Your SD has shown you who she is. You know how this will play out - you will always be the bad guy, no matter what, so just back out gracefully. Ex Julie had some ex-cellent suggestions.

SD14 Munchkin, as sweet and kind to me as she is, and has been, drives me crazy when I hear about how she cleans and organizes at her mothers house, when she doesnt even flick an eyelash in attempt at doing any cleaning here (Unless its her own room, and even THAT takes teeth pulling and several acts of God.

I wouldnt take the ramen and cleaning and cat thing personally. She sounds very thoughtless.

I would instead focus on your DH. He gets defensive if you mention SD? OK, nevr speak of her except in generall terms. She makes a mess, he can take care of it as long as it is taken care of.

Not your circus and not your monkees. Let him clean up the monkey sh!t.

Harry's picture

Buy a case of Raman Noodles.  And that it.  No nothing for her 

morrginme's picture

I agree. Go ahead and vent. I dont get the whole tampon thing. My SD does the same thing. I dont like going into the bathroom and seeing something in plain sight that has been in her v-jay jay.  

Anyway I understand your point about the Ramen. It pisses me off when I'm making a meal and a skid or my own kid comes in and starts making something else. My own kid I will tell them to get out of the kitchen and wait for dinner. With skids I've learned to let it go but I stopped buying foods that are easy to make cuz then they eat all the snack foods and leave nothing for anyone else.

As for buying things for SD give it up. Dont do nice things for people who are not nice to you. And dont make people a priority who only see you as an option.

I'm buying my SD a greeting card for Christmas this year and thats it. I told DH that any presents he wants for her he will have to shop for them himself.

marblefawn's picture

Oh my god, girl!

That was my SD's level of aggravation too -- just those nearly unnoticeable things that, of course, her TARGET would notice! Your SD is a clever one! She has them wrapped -- better be extra careful of that one!

I thought the bloody tampons in the can and the ramen noodles were so MY stepdaughter! My SD used to leave her thong underwear laying on the bathmat everywhere she stayed, like she just had to. And the other thing that came to mind was that we had to pay for my SD's gown when she was a bridesmaid in our wedding, which I didn't mind because she was in college, but no kidding -- the DAY AFTER my wedding, at the big fancy brunch for everyone, she said in front of so many of us, that she was going to sell that gown on Ebay. It had come up because my nieces said how much they loved their bridesmaids gowns and that they were going to wear them to college formals. Yea, that's when SD dropped her nasty bomb.

Beware, this dynamic over years can corrode a marriage. I felt like I was handling it all those years I was laughing about it, but the real bill had not even been invoiced yet. Now I see there's a lot of damage from it all.

marblefawn's picture

OK, I wasn't very clear. I haven't heard a human voice in 3+ days and it's like being in solitary -- I'm writing gibberish.

I mean, that dynamic of you asking him to ask her to throw away the trash properly and then him tossing the trash himself, (which is pretty fricking gross too in a weird daddy dearest way when you think about it), but anyway, yea...THAT'S what I mean is corrosive. Because you will come to feel as if she's too precious for him to disturb...and the guy you have sex with is like, some teen girl's bitch...and that quickly ceases to be even a tiny bit sexy.

OK...shutting up now...

CLove's picture

Would leave her period mess in the bathroom trash can as well! I made certain to teach Munchkin what to do...and shes good about doing it (unless its in her room...)

Dh would yell at FF to clean up the trash herself, because it was gross...thats why she accuses him of being abusive now. He yelled at her and caused anxiety.