I agree with BM... and DH is pissed
SD12 is going into 7th grade. It has been a battle for her to stay at her current school (with Dad) or change to a school with BM (30/45 minutes one way).
Long story short, SD12 will be staying at our school this year. DH said he will make a better effort to stay in contact with school counselor. And has been encouraging SD to try out for a sport this fall to make some friends. BM has taken SD to counseling and she has started taking Prozac for her depression and anxiety. No mecds for ADHD still. BM is on board for all of this... but asked DH to keep an open mind. BM told DH that they would try all of these things... but maybe revisit changing schools next year depending on how it goes.
I FINALLY spoke up and told DH I agree with BM. He does not like that she is taking meds. I told him it doesn't hurt to give it a try. If she starts having bad side effects, then the doctor can take her off of them. SD has said she wanted to die multiple times over the last year... I feel like meds are the only and last resort. DH said he doesn't think he shold have to review/revisit the school situation for the following year (8th) depending how everything goes. He said SD12 is "running from her problems" by wanting to change schools. I told him if NOTHING else is working, then why not keep an open mind for it. He IMMEDIATELY started talking about the driving. 30 minutes ONE WAY isn't feasible for either of them. If SD goes to school here, then she needs to stay at Dad's during the week, and Mom's on the weekend. Vice versa if SD were to go to school up there. He said that was a good point... but "knows where it's heading." Says SD12 would end up being at BM during the week... and little by little, also staying there on some weekends. Basically turning into SD living with BM majority of the time.
I've come to realize this is ALL a control thing for DH. He isn't looking to see how SDs grades and mental health are going. Just that he doesn't want her on meds (because of his own personal experience) and doesn't want to make the long drive. Also... doesn't want SD to *maybe* end up staying with BM more as she gets older. Like seriously?? I wish he could see the big picture that he is not helping the situation.
I'm glad I finally made my opinion known though. He did say I can just be friends with BM now since we both agree on issues with SD. Lol, maybe he will slowly realize he is on an island all by himself when it comes to SDs best interest.
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It's sounds like he's
It's sounds like he's reacting emotionally and thinking about his personal interests rather than SDs. The last part about you being friends with BM shows that he just wants to pout about it. He get his way and do the least additional effort with SD or the school. Inform him that parenting only becomes less hands on once kids launch.
Ive called my DH out for being unrealistic with SDs maturity level. She's 15 now but I had to remind her that parenting means you have to stay involved with everything and not just wait for kids to naturally become functional and mature.
I don't even remember what it was, but DH said something like it's so nice SD is able to do this thing herself as if she had just leveled up due to her age. I said no, BM or her teachers worked with her on this. DH poured because he wanted to think SD did this all on her own thanks to the genes he contributed. Uh. No.
I will never be friends with BM but I can give her credit when it's due.
I realize this was not your question, but are you sure she was
I realize this was not your questions, but are you sure she was given Prozac - because it can increase suicidal feelings in children and teenagers. Most psychiatrists no longer prescribe it first for young people because of this. Was this prescribed by a psychiatrist or just her regular doctor? I am not at all against teens using psychiatric drugs, I just know you need to be careful when it comes to which ones a teen uses.
As to your actual question - I think you are absoluely right, this situation requires some flexibility and nuance. Your DH has no idea how miserable a girl's life can be if her school situation is horrible.
It was prescribed by a
It was prescribed by a psychiatrist. Maybe DH got the brand name wrong, but it's definitely an SSRI.
I agree, I feel like a bad school situation can spiral really fast. Bad grades = less opportunities after high school = failing to launch = even more depression and mental health problems as an adult.
Your DH is wrong on just
Your DH is wrong on just about every level, and kudos to BM for at least trying to come up with a solution.
Dealing with mental health issues in teens is rough even when it's the best of circumstances. My YSK started in weekly therapy, then was out of care because we couldn't find a new provider, and is now back in bi-weekly therapy. We've had to help them come up with homework plans and do family homework nights in high school because their school anxiety was so high that they were paralyzed. They're doing half-day trade school now and we've supported them pulling out of the early college program in their school. They have a different set of expectations than we had for OSS, but those expectations are making them better and more independent. However, it has been hard, and we even moved to a new house to keep them in the better school district for their needs because that's what we had to do when ET dropped the rope.
SD won't overcome this. She'll just kill herself. You can tell your DH I said that. I'm thankful everyday that YSK told someone they were about to do it because it gave us a chance to stop it and help them. DH was distraught when he found missing knives in YSK's dresser and realized that the broken screen in their window wasn't because birds had picked it apart but because YSK purposefully destroyed it to make it easier to jump head-first from.
I have no sympathy for your DH. If he doesn't want to let SD live with BM for other reasons, fine. He has 100 other ways he needs to get engaged to help his daughter. His refusal to do anything could cost him his daughter, whether that be to BM or to death. And I'll happily type you up a letter to give him expressing just that because eff that BS he is spouting.
Totally agree. I think he is
Totally agree. I think he is living in a false reality. Just by "trying harder" he thinks she will *magically* not be depressed anymore. Yes, he has rights to education and also 50% custody... but at what cost? Hopefully not at the expense of her future. He needs to realize he's on a power trip and stop making it about "his rights."
Same. This man’s attitude and
Same. This man’s attitude and behavior towards his own daughter sounds bluntly, terrible and sorry to say it, almost neglectful.. He doesn’t engage with his daughter, is not interested in helping his daughter with her struggles in school, he doesn’t help with her struggles with mental health issues, doesn’t seem concerned that CPS was called on her, he went out of town on his custody time and left her waiting several hours whilst sick at school, until she was picked up by BM etc.
Honestly, this says more about him than about SD and hate to say it, his attitude is possibly making her mental health issues worse,. At this point, why does he even want her around? For show? Normally, I’m all for 50/50 but in this case, I agree with you, OP. It would probably be much better for everyone if SD goes to live with BM full-time.
I definitely think its more
I definitely think its more of a control thing now! And also just for the fact that he can say he has 50/50... otherwise he will probably feel like BM "won". It's time for DH to put his ego aside!!! It's getting old.
I'd be all for it just be
I'd be all for it just be because SD might live with BM full time. Win-win!
I feel like deep down DH
I feel like deep down DH knows it is inevitable. BM and SD are two peas in a pod and just get along better and have a stronger relationship. I think ihe's grasping at anything to keep SD close, even though it's not the best for anyone, just because he doesn't want to "lose" her.
But he doesn't even engage with SD12 when she is here! He lets her sit on her phone, complains she drinks all the soda, gripes about how dirty she is etc.... Like he doesn't DO stuff with SD when she is here, so that is what makes me think it's just a CONTROL thing for him. I honestly don't see him actively enjoying being around SD12.
Does your SD have a therapist
Does your SD have a therapist? Meds AND a therapist might help things a bit more.
I'd like to suggest family therapy for your husband and you first and then add in SD. It might do nothing but it might also open your DH's eyes to the reality of what is happening, that he is actively causing pain to is daughter through his selfish wish to stick it to BM. He might also learn that he'd have a much better relationship with his daughter if he spent time doing things with her rather than just considering her to be an inconvenient, imperfect lump (that must be such an ego booster for her!).
I agree with you & BM. My SD
I agree with you & BM. My SD's are also peas in a pod with BM and as teens SD's had horrible behavior just like BM. Well worth the CS to send them to BM. Unfortunately, in our case, BM was the lazy parent so she dumped SD's on us every weekend and holidays whether they wanted to be here or not. I can't imagine not wanting my BK's with me. Of course her kids are insufferable and mine are not.