BM is now back in the picture
I posted here last October about BM dropping SD12 off at our doorstep with zero notice. Apparently she had a travel nurse contract and said she would be back in 3 or 4 months. SD spent all of Christmas vacation with BM and talks to her every single day. But other than that she didn't see BM.
Well, SD12 teachers reached out to DH. She's failing 2 classes. Decided to drop Spanish and she will just have to retake in High School. Science teacher has given SD an extension and will let her turn in missing work by the end of the week. I guess SD told her school counselor she is depressed and being bullied which is why she doesn't do her work. DH said that SD is a bully too and she is not the victim in all of this. SD is just using it as an excuse for her laziness.
DH reached out to BM and let her know what was going on. BM said "SD12 obviously needs her now and will break contract and be back by the end of the month." She also claimed she will get SD12 back into therapy (BM has medical legal rights, DH has educational ones). Here we go again with BM... claiming to be a savior and will ride back into town on a white horse for SD since she "needs her right now" so bad. *eyeroll*
DH is NOT getting through to SD12. He has taken her cell phone away. I was shocked as he never disciplines. SD12 told him she doesn't care if she has to repeat 7th grade. He told her that he doesn't understand why she is so defiant. She gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the day. Making it INCREDIBLY awkward. SD make some cookies after dinner. Went and sat in the other living room while they were baking. Timer goes off, she takes cookies out. And then tries to go eat the cookies in the living room so she doesn't have to be in the same room as us. Refusing to make eye contact and respond to DHs question.
I feel like the PAS is going to ramp up since BM is entering the picture again. SD is only 12, but I can see her relationship with DH deteriorating already. I would NOT be surprised at all if she goes no contact with DH when she turns 18. It's sad because I see DH is at a loss of what to do.
Anyone think this drama with SD12 is just a phase or "typical teenage behavior"? Or is it a glimpse into the future of what their relationship will be like? I just feel like her reactions to events are way more extreme than what is 'normal'.
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I think this is the beginning
I think this is the beginning of SD playing her parents off of one another and moving back and forth when things start getting tough at one house.
This hasn't happened in my situation but I've seen it happen in others. The parents take turns being good and bad cop and savior while the kid falls further and further behind due to the disruption. The only way around this is a consistent custody schedule where both parents get to stay involved and consistent expectations for her in school and home, no bending, no SD setting her own rules. She is a kid, everyone else is an adult.
Her behavior is typical BUT she will continue to do it if it gets the results she wants. If pouting and sulking don't get her rescued and avoid accountability then she'll learn not to do it. If it does work you can look forward to more of it in the future.
It's all very "convenient"
It's all very "convenient" for BM. SD12 made a comment to DH about how she "takes care of herself" when BM was gone for this nursing contract. DH was QUICK to point out the carpooling to school, chauffering friends around on the weekends, buying all of her favorite groceries, etc... Just for SD to say she takes care of herself *eyeroll* It was definitely a slap in the face to DH when he has been picking up all of the slack for BM. Just another example of the animosity between the two.
What is she so mad about?
What is she so mad about? Does she want DH to dress her and wipe her butt for her?
What she's doing is what happens right before a breakup. Suddenly the other person is the worst and the whole thing was horrible. You focus on all the negative things (real or imagined) to make it easier to leave. Therapy would do her some good.
I honestly just think she is
I honestly just think she is an angry person that thrives off drama. If the drama isn't there, SD will create it just for the sake of having drama. It helps keep up the narrative of being the forever victim. If I had to guess, she would be diagnosed with BPD or narcissism when she gets older.
Definitely this
Seeyounever is absolutely correct. That's what happened here with DH and BM alternating as savior and oppressor. SD was able to evade all consistent discipline with the constant back and forth. She really wanted to be with BM so if we had it to do over again, we should have kept her with BM, backed up BM's disciplinary efforts and turned a deaf ear to SD's manipulative whining. Sadly, we were in " Poor SD" mode and BM's BF wasn't crazy about having a moody, hateful teenager around so she ended up here. Would SD have ended up better, ie, a more mature, responsible, honest person? I think the result would have been similar but at least our home wouldnt have been in constant turmoil.
She is 12. She is pre-pubesent most likely. Quit ascribing
traits to her that she has not developed.
Yes, it will get worse when she reaches and progresses through her teens. DH needs to go to the school and have them climb up this kid's ass and not let her get away with her lies and manipulative bullshit.
BM can come back, or not. But... since DH has educational custody, he needs to parent to the fullest extent possible whether BM is there of not.
smh
I don't know any other teens
I don't know any other teens that "don't care" if they have to retake classes get held back a grade... would they not be embarassed by their peers? or if resentment towards just one parent is a "phase" or not. Hence asking for the opinion
I wish there were answers for you in this situation.
IMHO the only thing to do is confront her behaviors. Investing in the why of what is in her head on this is a black hole in all likelood. So, address her behaviors. Apply escalating misery inducing consequences, and find the balance that motivates her to change her behaviors.
I'm torn... I think it's
I'm torn... I think it's likely that she is playing parents against each other. I think the most likely scenario is that she wants her mom back home. I don't think that is unusual or even wrong for her to want that.
That custody order giving your DH education and BM medical is screwed up. If BM leaves again your DH needs to have a document that gives him FULL decision making while she is gone for her to sign. It shouldn't be a question on if he can put his kid that he has 100% of the time into therapy or not.
I would be scared of her attitude of not caring if she fails 7th grade. That is young to have that going on. You hear about it in high school- usually associated with extreme anxiety or drugs/partying but not in a 12 yr old. I think something bigger is at play here, but it could just be having her mom take these travel contracts.
As for the future- who knows. Teens are crazy and you are just getting the introduction. My own DD15 was off her path recently but counseling, new rules, better communication- we have seen a big difference in her and her attitude. I am hoping it sticks. Only time will tell, everyone involved has to be open to changes and starting fresh.
Yes, I guess my main concern
Yes, I guess my main concern is her being so non-chalant about failing or not? Wasn't sure if it's the "cool thing" to do these days... but having no motivation or desire for the future had me puzzled. Like even if she doesn't want to go college... why would someone want to be held back from their peers? I can't imagine other kids NOT making fun of her for that.
That was about the age when
That was about the age when my OSD started having more problems with school.. grades.. her relationship with her parents.
Her dad was livid when he found that the $50 dollars he had given her for her BD was used by her to try to buy blunts for some loser boy she apparently was trying to impress.
She had been a good student.. talented artistically prior to junior high.. then she just decided she didn't care.. wasn't smart enough anyway so why bother. and of course.. her parents were "stupid"
She resented her mom.. she resented her dad.. she resented they split up.. she resented that if they hadn't.. she would have all the THINGS.. she deserved.. better clothes.. more money.. better life.
I'm sure that at that time.. peer opinion (not so much pressure.. but wanting to fit in).. became the most important thing to her.. she had to have the correct jacket.. shoes.. etc.. or her life was OVER!
I would be looking at her peer group for influences at this point.. also would look at activities she is involved in.. and perhaps those get cut back too.
I know it is frustrating to see BM float back in.. but maybe she will take some of the heavy lifting of your plates? and.. in the end.. if his daughter improves.. I don't think I would resent who was able to make it happen.
Really hoping all of the
Really hoping all of the negativity from SD is stemming from a "cry for help" to BM so to speak. Going from seeing her EOWeek to not at all for 3 months... and also being with the less "favorable" parent I'm sure has taken it's toll on her.