FDH says the darndest things
So things have gotten better since ive dropped the adult skids relationship issues. I havent mentioned any of it and neither has he.
Anyway, we were watching a movie on hallmark. all lovey-dovey, perfect man and perfect everything plot, typical movie really for that channel. I jokingly asked "will you marry me?" since we are engaged he has asked me but that was over a year ago so his answer was suprising, "im still against marriage." :O I usually get a "maybe someday" kind of answer. So he is engaged to me and doesnt want to marry me. We are both divorced so I can understand the hesitation, but wow. I am in no hurry to marry, so we shall see I guess. :?
We started talking about kids. Im still not sure, nether is he. So he says, " I might change my mind." I never asked him too nor do I expect him too. So it must be on his mind, but when I asked him why he said he might change his mind unprovoked, he replies with "I was just telling you." I do appreciate this communication (minor but good for him). So I am with a man who will not marry me, but might want kids with me, someday.
This issue isnt taking up too much space in the think tank, just find it interesting I suppose.
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First, I need to say that
First, I need to say that this will probably come off harsh or overly emotional simply because I was with a guy (before DH) who seemed just like your FDH.
I don't like the fact that he asked you to marry him or be engaged to him, but he claims he is against marriage. For me, in light of my past experience, he sounds like someone who wants the commitment from you without having to make a commitment himself. I understand that he's divorced and that causes some serious emotional baggage, but he should not have asked you to marry him or be engaged unless he was actually comfortable and happy with the idea of being married to you.
I do not want to attack your FDH, and again, I am probably reading into the situation due to my past experience, but your FDH sounds like he has serious relationship problems. Even his unwillingness to really communicate about these topics and divulge his real feelings emphasizes what seems like commitment issues; he won't even commit to telling you how he feels.
I have to say that I am probably projecting. I was with someone who gave me half-assed answers about all the important stuff for several years, and it drove me crazy. I was always convinced that if I earned his trust, he would open up to me, but in the end I realized it was just a way for him to control the relationship. If I never had any idea how he felt or what he thought, I never had enough information to make decisions or understand what was happening in the relationship. It was a really miserable way to live.
Like you, I was in no rush to get married or have kids. So, with that in mind, I could tell myself that it didn't matter how he felt about those topics. Because I didn't want kids, it didn't matter if he wanted to get married or not, and because I didn't care about marriage, it didn't matter if he actually even loved me as long as he wanted to spend time with me.
It was all a bunch of rationalization to keep myself from seeing that I was in a really bad situation.
If you're not sure about marriage and kids, that's fine. What does matter, though, is that you're in a relationship with someone who respects you enough to tell you the truth about he feels when you obviously need and want answers. He should not be keeping you in the dark about where you stand in the relationship.
That is absolutely just my opinion, and it's a very biased opinion based almost solely on a really bad relationship in my past.
I have a little different
I have a little different perspective as I'm the one giving the vague answers about if/when we'll ultimately marry. As long as you're both honest and open and okay with the commitment I don't see anything wrong with the status quo. However, if he is, in fact, unwilling to be honest & open and you truly desire to move the relationship to the next level then it's unfair how he's handling it.
My DH had to have 7 years to
My DH had to have 7 years to recover from marriage to NPD BM before he proposed to me! But then we were married within 5 months. A number of times during the 7 years he expressed the view that he would probably never want to remarry, and I accepted this, we were living together, after all. I only mentioned marriage a couple of times - although my adult BD used to tease him about making an honest woman of me. But then something just moved along in his head, and suddenly he was ready. It's probably best not to chivvy him - but if the children thing is a big issue for you (I was in my 40's and had had 2, so it wasn't for me) then you might want to rethink.
I am the one not wanting
I am the one not wanting marriage - but it is for legal reasons not commitment ones. Most of the time I refer to SO as DH.
I have close friends who are gay and would love a legal marriage. I on the other hand am paranoid about what the government can do to you in a legal marriage. The risks just so outweigh the benefits.
Of course I have lived primarily in community property states. I just don't want everything I've worked for subject to some 3rd part who decides to sue DH (like crazy exes). Yes this is supposed to be separate property that cannot be touched. But guess what you still might be liable for tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees to establish that. Believe me I've seen it happen over and over again.