New - Advice needed, please help
Hi all
I have been reading this site for a while now and find it very useful so I took the plunge today as joined as I need some advice.
Some background for you all: My partner has two children from his marriage. He is now divorced and we have been together for 18 months. We had known each other for 14 years before we got together. I am also divorced but have no children. We are not married but I do consider the children as my step children as I have known them all of their lives so I will refer to them as my step children SD is 10 and SS is 8. We have a great relationship and I am very thankful that we have not been through many of the situations I have read about on here. They love me and tell me on a regular basis and I love them like my own.
We have the usual problems from the BM and for the most part we muddle our way through them doing what we think is best for the children. It can be stressful and there have been many differences of opinions, arguments and tears but on the whole we cope and work things out.
I do have one issue I would like some advice on please that I am finding difficult. SD10 and SS8 get over excited at times when we are playing and having fun and don’t think about what they are doing. Normal for kids I know, but I end up getting hurt by elbows and knees being dug into me. This may sound silly but I have explained to them that they need to be careful and think about what they are doing. I have shown them the bruises so they can see the result of their actions. I have spoken to their dad about this and he has backed me up and also spoken to them about it. It doesn’t seem to make any difference so I have started to be harder on them when this happens. To get to the problem, so to waffle on. On Saturday I was helping SD10 with her homework. When she was done SS8 tickled me as they know I am ticklish. This is fine within its self, but then SD10 got over excited and started stabbing me in the back with a pencil she had been doing her homework with. This hurt a lot and I stopped the playing and told her that what she had done was not nice and not acceptable. Their dad was in the room when all this took place. I left the room as I was in pain and had started to cry. I heard dad saying to SD10 that "that wasn't very nice". Nothing else was said. I got no sorry from SD10 and I felt so let down by their dad as he didn’t tell her off, raise his voice or say that she is NOT to behave like that in our house. I tried to raise this with him later and he just told me to shut up and go away (in from of step kids) I want him to make sure they both understand that they cannot hurt me, that it will not be allowed in our house that we are both laying down the same rules, but his softly softly approach didn’t give this impression to the kids. I feel like the message he gave was that it doesnt matter if I get hurt it's not that important.
I want to talk to him about this again, but don’t know how to get my point across without looking like an emotional wreck or a crazy woman.
Any words of advice would be welcomed on if you have experienced this, if you think it just goes with the territory and how I can make my partner understand me.
I want to be respected and I want my partner to re-inforce that this is unaceptable. I feel like I dont count and that he doesnt care that I got hurt.
Help.X
- DoDar's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I would have checked him for
I would have checked him for disrespect right there, right then! DO NOT EVER malign me in front of a child, I do not care who's child it is!
If similar incident occurrs again I would suggest to him that his reprimand (I use the term reprimand loosely here) did not seem to work sooooooo what else does he suggest when one of his cherubs inflicts physical pain on a person?
Kids get over stuff quickly though, good and bad, so I would not dwell on it but I would damn well make sure that never happens again! If he tries it again you need to stop in your tracks, stop him in his tracks, ask him what he just said to you, and why? Put him on the spot in front of his kids and see how he likes it??
ripley, you are right in so
ripley, you are right in so many ways. He doesn’t want to tell them off because he wants them to keep coming over every Wednesday and every other weekend and he is worried that if he tells them off they won’t want to come over anymore. He has even said to me that if I keep telling them off and "moaning" at them they won’t want to come over.
My partner does get knocked about when playing with them but he says that I have a low pain threshold and make too much of a fuss about it.
I think like you say that the playing has to stop or at least stop with me as I don’t want to get hurt.
I do not think he knows how to discipline, he is never harsh or never puts in place consequences for their bad behaviour. His excuse is "you always tell them off before I get the chance". My reaction is "well maybe you need to step in sooner and not leave it to me all the time".
I have also seen them with their mums partner and he plays really rough with them (pinching, pushing, kicking and so on) so I am wondering if this is how they think they should act with me.
I think I need to talk to my partner again and try to get him to see this from my point of view. I also think we both need to talk to the children and explain what is unacceptable behaviour in our house. I really don’t think they are doing this out of dislike or hate, I really think they just get carried away and if this is how they act at their mums with her boyfriend then they are just continuing this behaviour at our house.
Wish me luck and thank you for the advice everyone.
he just told me to shut up
he just told me to shut up and go away (in from of step kids)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Really? And in front of the kids? I still do not understand how some of us here put up with this kind of attitude. You deserve better than this.
I say, fix your SO first and some of this will fall into place. If your SO disrespects you like that, why would you think the kids would listen to you when you ask them to cut it out?
When they get rough…remove yourself by at least 3 feet and tell them to stay back until they are done rough housing.
We have always been a rough and tumble bunch at home so it is hard for me to see the issue with kids this young. (not saying it does not happen, it is just foreign to me). Have you always had a low tolerance for pain and bruise easily? Might want to get that checked out.
But the point is that the kids will not go easy on you, because they see that your SO does not even respect you so why should they listen to you about this. Maybe counseling for you and SO is in order…? Good Luck!
I agree with Ripley's advice
I agree with Ripley's advice - your SO telling you to shut up and go away when you are trying to deal with an important issue is pathetic, and gives his children a terrible example.
I think you should cease all physical play with them until they have shown that they respect your boundaries. That means no tickling or horse play whatsoever, except for a hug at greeting and bedtime etc. If one of the children starts doing something physical with you I would say "no" in a serious voice, and move your body away from them. If they ask why not, say that lately you have been hurt by one or both of them and you need to feel that they recognise what is OK and what hurts, and you aren't happy to play in that way at the moment.
If you have a further discussion with your SO about this, make sure the kids are not around, and try and be serious and quite stern in your manner - try not to dissolve into tears as this will not strengthen your case! Give him to understand that this is an important issue which will have repercussions for their relationships with peers as well, since they will not want to be on the receiving end of your SKIDS over-boisterous "play", either. I agree there could be some real aggression "hidden" in there, but whether there is or no, its still unacceptable.
Kids are just not taught to
Kids are just not taught to respect adults like we were as children. There wasn't a place in my world as a child where I could be disrespectful because it was an unspoken rule that if I got out of line any adult had full authority to put me back in my place...neighbors, postman, bus driver, teachers, lunch lady, whomever.
We don't tolerate disrespectfulness in our home either from skids or their friends. My SO has been known to say to the SS16's friends: "Hey, that's not how we roll here...check your attitude." Act right or leave. Maybe I'll embroider than on a pillow and sell it?! Hey...I may be onto something...
The issue is the way he
The issue is the way he talked to. The kids need to stop the rough housing and show some respect. But, it is your DH that needs to demand it from them. As for me, if my DH had spoken to me like that, he would have had a screaming match that would have been unbelievable. DH made that mistake one time early on when I moved in and I told him if he ever talked to me that way again, I was gone. No questions asked. Told him he undermined my authority and it was unacceptable.
You need to tell DH off at least one good time and it will show him you are not a pushover...