Stepkids don't want dh and me to get back together
Since my last post, me and dh have been attending marriage counselling to try to sort out our differences. Turns out dh didn't tell ss15 and sd14 that I wanted to send ss13 to boarding school. Dh was talking to his brother and ss15 overheard. Ss15 told sd14, who then asked dh if it was true. Dh told them not to worry themselves about it, it's between dh and I, but they still ending up telling ss13, and the sd14 told my MIL who then told the whole family. Dh did apologize for letting it get out of hand.
As for the councelling, dh said that he does have a lot of resent towards me, that I even considered sending ss13 to the therapeutic boarding school (ss13 was being physically, mentally, and emtionally abused my bm and her husband), and he felt that he was being made to choose between dd4 and ss13. The reason why I didn't want ss13 in the house was that at the time he was demonstrating very hostile behaviour, but we didn't know about the abuse that he was going through. The counsellor told dh to try to think from my point of view, he says he understands that had every right to protect dd, but what about ss13, who was going to protect him? He knows moving out with the older two kids was hard, but it was the right thing to do and if he had to, he would do it all over again if he had to. Dh then explains to us that ss13 used to sleep in the bathroom with the door locked to feel safe, when dh would tell ss13 remind him to do something i.e loading the dishwasher, ss would start crying hysterically and beg dh to not hit him while backing away from him, and it also took about 5 months for dh to even give ss a proper hug. He was senstive to any form of touch. He had terrible night terros as well where he would scream and shout "please don't hit me". What really got to us is when dh told us that ss13 asked him if it was okay if he were to end his life?. That caused dh to break down in a way i've never seen!. Ss13 would refer to himself as the bad seed that was just dampening everyone else's happiness, and with him gone everyone would be able to life their lives peacefully. Dh, myself, and even the counsellor were crying after hearing this. Dh says that the thought of letting ss13 go through that in a facility by himself made him develop a lot resentment towards me. Ss15 and sd14 having witnessed all this first hand are angry with me,and ss13 is better now, but has major trust issues as a result from the abuse the suffered; he doesn't trust me.
Dh also said that even mentioning my name to ss13, causes him to start panicking, like full out freaking out. He's had major panic attacks or he gets pale and faints. Ss13 has sobbed hysterically, gone down on his knees and begged dh to not get back with me. When dh does try to talk to him, trying to assure him that he will never let him get hit ever again, ss will say that his own mother would hurt him that much, what's stopping me from doing it?.He recently stopped self harming, and dh is now reculant to make him upset in case he starts again. Ss's therapists has advised dh that the higher ss's stress levels go up, so does his risks of self-harming.
It really breaks my heart knowing ss13 is that scared of me. He doesn't even know me, but I can't blame him either for his fear. I don't blame him at all. The only person I blame is Bm. Dh said has said that there's a lot for him to think about. I'm starting to wonder if our marriage can be saved.