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Learning to Let Go...

Dee's picture

I am a frequent reader of the blogs, but not a frequent contributor. I have learned a tremendous amount from everyone on here and I guess I just want to pass on something that has worked for me, hoping to help someone else.

Since I have been dealing with the psycho BM and the SD for the past 2-1/2 years, I had become a frustrated, sometimes miserable, evil SM. I don't know what finally snapped in me, but I have been training myself to let go. I realize that the SD is not my child and I have little control over any decisions that concern her and I am tired of driving myself insane over it.

As an example, the BM bought the SD6yo a $200 iPod a couple of weeks ago. Now, I think that is completely ridiculous to buy a child that young that can't even keep track of her sneakers, a $200 toy, but you know what...IT'S NOT MY CHILD and it's not my money, so what the heck??!! Who cares??!! Before I would have been ranting and raving about how stupid the BM is to give a 6yo something like that and really just upsetting myself. It's not easy sometimes, but when I can feel myself tensing up and starting to boil over the most recent dumb*ss thing she does, I talk myself out of it by reminding myself it is NOT MY PROBLEM. My BF is the one who married this crazy woman and claims the SD as his (see my blog for that weird situation) so he gets to also deal with all the crap - so sorry. Why drive meself bonkers??!!

I hope this may be the jump start for some of you that also stress over situations we really can't control with our SKids. It takes practice, but I can tell you that it really does work and it relieves sooooooo much stress - for us anyway, maybe not for the BF/DH - lol!

Dee

Comments

ittakestwo's picture

there's no point in stressing over things that you really can't control anyway. My ex just bought both my kids cell phones, for Christmas they got IPODs... I can see those things for my son, he's almost 12. However, my daughter is 8 almost 9... just WHO is she gonna call besides him and I? And WHERE is she gonna go that there is NO PHONE... doesn't make sense to me... but WHATEVER. Didn't cost me anything...

It is what it is...

Catch22's picture

My BS is 14 so it was a good gift to get him for xmas last year, but because BS and SS just HAVE to have the same stuff, we had to get SS10 an ipod also..total $400. SS wouldn't put the cover on that I bought with them to protect it, SS left it laying everywhere and on the floor, SS never charged it and SS had to have it but never cares for it. So yes I think 12 is the youngest they should get things like that as presents.

Sorry a little off topic but that was one of the things that made angry, so yes Dee, you are right, thats what we have to do is let it go and try not to let it bother us but when it's your home, your marriage and your money that are the topics that get you upset you can't really say, oh well doesn't matter. Have any tips for those feelings? Because these are the things that get on my goat, not the BM crap, I am over that like you are...well most of the time.LOL

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

ittakestwo's picture

it is one thing if the other household does something you can't control.

BUT, when it comes back to your house and now DH wants everything same/same, even steven... then it DOES become a problem.

Fortunately those issues are FINALLY simmering down here and DH does not seem to worry so much about one having something and another one not. For one thing... the one who doesn't will surely have a birthday at SOME point... or Christmas... there's plenty of occasions.

It is what it is...

Catch22's picture

Check out a new blog I just posted about this exact thing..I would be interested to hear your view. Primary and secondary housing...

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

eviecat's picture

I have had this issues. My DH's family will by HIS or THEIR kids so much for birthdays and Christmas its unreal. Same idea Xbox 360, iPods, there is no limit. My boys get shirts and Walmart toys. They never complain. They actually are very happy as after all they are still getting more then then did when it was just me. But they are not old enough to get the monetary value yet. What's going to happen when they do? DH just gets angry with me when I bring it up. That I am not being greatful for all his family does. I just wish they would stop "doing".

Dee's picture

I don't have to deal with that because the SD is an only child, which makes it a whole different ballgame. The SD is still young and for the most part could care less about this kind of stuff. She hasn't gotten "name branded" yet, but by God the BM is doing her damndest to make that happen. The BM treats the SD more like a girlfriend rather than a parent. Sometimes we wonder if the BM is trying to buy the SD's love and/or trying to make us look like schmucks. She is creating a monster in the SD who believes she should get anything and everything she wants. We don't play the game.

Although I can see DH's family's point an eensy bit, that is so unfair to the kids. As they get older and become more aware of $$, I would assume they will feel left out. I don't understand your DH getting upset with you though. He really should speak with his side of the family and ask them to be more equitable with the kids. If he won't, then why should they?

luvdagirl's picture

I think it is going to be my signature- YOU WILL NOT FIND REASON WHERE LOGIC DOES NOT EXIST....It is really just that simple... You really just have to laugh at some of the extents BMs go to just for a moment of attention, but if you try to figure out why they do whatever it will drive you nuts- they don't use rational thinking, there is no logic to almost anything BM does in our situation so I chose to stop trying to reason it out and I am ALOT HAPPIER, I just deal with the reactions from what BM does and get through it for my sanity.