CS !! The woman has lost her mind!
Things have been quiet for a while and then BLAMO! We found out this week the BM is thinking/planning to file for CS. Our story is unusual, so bear with me.
The BM and BF were married. The BM gets pregnant and they have the child. When the SD was ~ 2 1/2, the BF finds out the SD is not his bio-child. The SD is believed to be the product of an adulterous affair, although no paternity test has ever been done. Although this revelation was the beginning of the end of their marriage, the BF loves the SD and does not want to abandon her. The divorce decree lists the BM and BF as shared custody with each being jointly financially responsible and neither paying child support.
Now to the present, the SD is 6 yo. Through various info we believe the BM is preparing to file for CS. The BM is remarried and is self-employed. We discovered through public records the BM recently refinanced her house and got about $75K out of it. We believe through various clues the BM is in financial difficulty, either in her business or personally or both, hence the re-fi. Also, we understand she has poor credit and cannot obtain a loan, so guess what??!! She is going to try to get money from the Bank of BF!!
Now, this is the woman who in the last two years has had (some we suspect and some we know for sure) breast augmentation, electrolysis and lasik eye surgery. The latest thing, within the last two months, was hair extensions. My hair stylist told me that would run a person $500 to $700!! Also, like someone else's blog noted, she chooses to buy $50 sneakers for a kid that's going to grow out of them in two months (this just happened this past week). Plus, I found out BM has planned a vacation staying at a resort hotel that charges $400 a night!! WTF!! She can't manage to control her expenses, so now we have to pony up??!! I can't believe this and I am mad as Hell!
It scares me to read some of the blogs about CS, because it appears the Dad gets it in the rear every time. Of course, the fact that SD is not BF bio-child can possibly play a part in this, especially with a new law that was enacted last year in the Sunshine State. If BM does file for CS, it appears BF may be able to demand a paternity test. The BIG down side to this is if it's proven conclusively that SD is not BF bio-child, BF would probably lose all parental rights. If anyone has some thoughts and/or advice, I would appreciate it.
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Wow
what a mess. It's awful to see children used as pawns like this. Sounds like BM thinks she has a trump card to play, a means to an end to get more money coming in.
What does BF think of it all? I guess that's going to be a major factor in this.
First, at this point, paternity is neither proven nor disproven. Personally if I were BF I would want to know, especially if I were hit with a petition for money to fund someone else's extravagance. Tough tho when he's established a father/daughter bond with this child who is the true innocent and victim in all this.
How far do you think BM is ready to go? Would she deny him access to the child if she pursues support and is denied based on paternity?
I'd get his thoughts on the subject. I know of a number of men who are paying for and caring for children they did not biologically father. It's a tough spot for them.
Things to consider...
If she does get CS, would it be retro back to whenever they split? Meaning, would he have to start out already in arrears? And how much would that be? Even if the best-case scenario works out and he's ordered to pay a reasonable amount of CS and she's ordered to provide him with a reasonable amount of visitation, there is no guarantee that she'll abide by that order and let him see the kid. And we all know that moms get free help collecting CS, but dads do not get the same free help in collecting their children for visitation. Just look at your audience on this site... everyone, raise your hand if you're paying out the ass for CS and STILL not getting to see the kids. I'm waving my hand so hard I'll probably dislocate my shoulder.
Here's another question... is he named as the father on the birth certificate? That can have a huge impact on whether or not a paternity test would ever even be ordered by a judge. If he's the presumed father, has held himself out to be the father, has acted as a father, has provided for the child as a father, all of this AFTER HE KNEW HE WAS NOT THE FATHER, then unless the real father decides to claim his child, the court will likely continue to consider him the father for purposes of child support and custody/visitation. So breathe a sigh of relief that he will not lose his rights to the child, but he will probably end up paying CS. It's a double-edged sword.
I think he needs to get himself to an attorney quickly and find out what his rights are. He probably has more rights than you think, you just need to find out what they are. Also, any info you can give the attorney will help, no matter how trivial. Your atty can subpoena her financial records, such as the refinance. He can also subpoena her hairdresser, travel agent, anyone you can think of to show what kind of lifestyle she is capable of providing. You really have to put on your thinking caps and get creative. Leave no stone unturned.
My husband is not the BF of his oldest child. Like with you guys, his ex-wife got knocked up by someone else when she cheated on him during their marriage. He stepped up, claimed the child as his own and everything was fine until she left. Then she went and had paternity established in the other guy and my husband basically lost his daughter. When BM is feeling generous, she'll sometimes include this daughter in visitation with their other children. We still carry her on our insurance, buy her Christmas/birthday gifts, treat her just as if she really is one of "our" kids, but my DH has no rights to her at all. This situation is a heartbreaker, especially for the child. My SD found out when she was only six that Daddy wasn't Daddy... all because BM discovered she could collect more in CS if she was collecting from two fathers instead of one.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Are you kidding.!!!!
Hi Dee, I don't believe I've 'met you'. But Are you kidding? This is pure insanity.
And Anne, that's completely fucken sad.
Not a dime of CS without that paternity test. PERIOD.
These ladys are off her rocker.
Please keep us posted. Good luck. Jo
Good points all, but more info...
We have not been served with a CS order. We only have info that the BM is planning to file. So, we have no idea what would happen as far as it being retro.
Anne, I always value your posts. You have good sound advice and I appreciate it. One thing that needs to be stressed is a new law in FL that went into affect in 2006. It's called Paternity Fraud and the way I understand it, if a man is served with a CS order, he can demand a DNA test to determine paternity. No matter if they were married or not. Please note that BF was NOT aware of the possibility of SD not being his bio-child until SD was ~ 2 1/2 yo. So, yes, his name is on the birth certificate and he has continued to BE the father to her for her benefit. Of course this is under the shared custody agreement as it stands now. We have SD every weekend. Now with the possibility of BM filing for CS, my BF is NOT happy about this and feels, I believe, the same way that I do. This woman is NOT going to blackmail us into giving her money that has absolutely nothing to do with the welfare and support of the SD. It is strictly to finance her frivolous spending and/or paying for her associated debts.
I'm sure the BM feels she has BF over a barrel and he would NEVER contest the paternity for fear of losing SD. I have such a problem with this because it is nothing short of extortion. It blows my mind the BM would even CONSIDER taking the chance of forcing the issue. She is that greedy or desperate or something. Sad and pathetic that a mother would take these kinds of chances with their own daughter's life. Right now we pay for half of SD's care and if the BM came to us and said she needed more for legitimate costs associated with SD's care, we would have no problem with it. But you see, it's not about that...
Okay, that answers a few
Okay, that answers a few questions and I'm so glad that FL has enacted this new law. He has the right to demand a paternity test, so if that proves he's not the father, then he MAY NOT have to pay. I say MAY NOT because if paternity can't be established in anyone else, then a judge may still be able to order him to pay CS as the presumed father. There's case law out there where a stepparent who voluntarily took on the responsibility of helping raise his wife's children when she had sole custody ended up having to support the children after his wife's death, since he had supported them during her life. Not the same, but similar.
If the a paternity test proves he's not the father and a judge rules that he doesn't have to pay CS, then he may also lose his right to custody of the child. He still, however, can petition for visitation rights, even if he is proved to NOT be the biological father, because he is what is called an interested party. Since he has raised the child as his own and she believes him to be her Daddy, it would be in the child's best interest to keep him in her life. While he may lose custody if paternity is established in someone else, he may still be able to get some visitation rights as the presumed father. I think you have some options, you just need to investigate them with an atty.
My poor hubby! He had no idea that he even had rights as the presumed father or he would've fought the paternity test. As the presumed father in our state, he could have fought the paternity test and kept his child, but he didn't know. What is the FL law for presumed fathers? I would definitely check into this, because she may not actually have him over a barrel. She may not have as much leverage as she thinks she has, depending upon the rights of presumed fathers in your state. If she does file something, get a good lawyer and ask him about the presumed father's status. It may not be as bad as you think... he may be able to insist on a paternity test, not be ordered to pay support, lose any custody rights, but still get visitation rights.
If it comes down to a court battle and a judge does order him to pay CS, as much as it burns, it doesn't really matter what she spends the money on, as long as the child is being raised with all the things kids need... food, clothing, shelter, etc. I know it hurts, I know it's not fair, I know, I know, I know. We've been funding the ex-wife's country club lifestyle for ten years and we still have seven years to go, but there's not a darn thing we can do about it. We just remind ourselves monthly when it's time to pay the CS that the kids are being provided for and we are paying a fair amount that was based solely upon the state's guidelines. We just had to learn to let it go, as long the kids are being taken care of. I think you have to make sure that, if there is to be a child support hearing, your attorney does plenty of discovery to find out exactly what her true financial status is so that you can present an accurate picture to the judge. And insist upon support per the state's guidelines, not just whatever she demands he pay. And for the love of God, don't make the same mistake so many parents make of agreeing to share "other" costs. In our case, we pay only one amount, there are no "extras" that can be tacked on, except our share of uninsured medical expenses. Anything "extra" that each parent wants to do for the child, they pay for themselves. That way, one parent can't insist on something frivolous and expect the other parent to pay, when the other parent doesn't agree that it's necessary.
Good luck and keep us posted. If you do find out that he has some rights as the presumed father, you might consider having your atty send her a letter explaining those rights. It could nip this whole thing in the bud before it gets started, if she sees that she doesn't really have an ace up her sleeve. If she tries to play the paternity card, she could end up financially supporting that child alone and with your DH still getting some visitation rights.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)