DH is delusional SS v My MOM
So instead of staying home to baby sit SS (soon to be 11) I chose taking BS (9months) and going to visit my mom and she is always happy to see her grandson and am always happy to spend time with my mom, away from annoying SS. I did not expect to be given grief over that by DH. He said I have a family now and my family comes first before my mother. Yes he is correct, DH was at work and i took BS with me so who did i push back by going to see my mom? SS!!!! My Bio Son and DH will always come first I will never abandon my responsibilities towards them or push them aside and choose my mother or relatives over them but I'm sorry I can't say the same concerning SS. I will always choose my mom, aunts, nieces, nephews, cousins and friends over him, because the truth is he is not in my life by choice. I am not his mother, his mom is not dead or sick or crippled and am pretty sure if the situation was reversed SS wouldnt put me first above his own mother and relatives. Why can't DH understand that, why does he have to be so unrealistic with his expectations? He is insane to expect me to ever choose SS over my MOTHER!! in any situation! MY MOM The woman who gave birth to me and raised me and has done so much for me and will always be there to lend a helping hand and support me and love me unconditionally and whom i adore with all of me and SS a non relative i do not love at all and he isnt loyal to me, he doesnt love me either and he has his own mother he puts first before me and he is only in my life because i am with his dad. Its a forced relationship and not by choice. There is nothing i get from him except extra responsibilities, disrespect, lies, deceit and annoyance. DH must really think SS is my bio child he forgets he actually has a mother and its NOT ME!
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Are you not agreeing to play
Are you not agreeing to play free babysitter for SS? Is that why he is mad?
I am just trying to figure out why he would be mad for taking BS and going to visit your mom.... That seems like a perfectly normal thing to do.
So tell your DH to STFU.
So tell your DH to STFU.
Sure, he might decide to divorce you for it, but you can either kept getting all stressed and ranting over what he says and what he expects you to do, or you can walk away when he starts, hang up on him, not read texts, (whatever) when he starts in with his crap. Your stance isn't debatable. He isn't going to change your mind or attitude towards the issue.
Why keep arguing with hm over it. He doesn't agree with your stand and you have no intentions of being Mommy #2 to his son. So what is the point in going round and round on the same topic day after day?
I'm going to assume you told him you were not babysitting SS prior to DH's driving off for work.That your DH knew far ahead of time you were not having SS during Dad's absence. I'm going to assume you also didn't just leave the kid in the house alone and either the child had other arrangements ( made by his father), you dropped the kid off at daycare or you took kid back to BM's.
With that said, just tell Dh to STFU, you have not need nor desire to hear his two cents over the situation. He can respect your stand that this is his kid and caretaking is his problem, not yours, or he can divorce you and find someone else who wants to pay Mommy to his kid.
Your profile "wish" that SS and BM would just go away, isn't going to happen. The kid just is turning 11, kid is a minor dependent, the kid has as much 'right' to his father and spending time with his father as your 9mo old does. The older child isn't going anywhere. You remain married, the kid remains visiting your home and stays a part of your life. Nope, you don't have to do babysitting duty, but when your DH is home and present the kid is going to be a part of it.
I feel exactly the same way
I feel exactly the same way about my skids.
I remember once, much earlier in our relationship, DH mentioned something about being sad because I didn't see his kids as my kids...quote: "It seems like you think of them more like nieces and nephews...like you're a friendly, caring aunt..."
In my head I thought: "Hey. I'm faking it pretty well!"
Because I actually care about my niece and nephews 1000X more than the skids. I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephews, I love spending money on them...in the absense of kids of my own, I've set up small college savings accounts for each niece and nephew. I can't say the same about any of my skids. Technically, over the years, I've definitely spent more $$ on the skids...but that didn't totally feel like it was by choice, and I saw it more as spending $$ on my DH. When I choose, I choose my family over skids every time and always will. And I actually enjoy doing the things I choose to do for my family...I don't muddle and grit my teeth through it...that's a big distinction.
Say all this to say...DH eventually understood and accepted how I feel about his kids and no longer tries to push the big, happy family model on me...but it took some time to get there. He'll still talk to me about them as if I care, and he invites them over sometimes without really asking me (but no longer expects me to cook or entertain when he does...kids are 21, 20, and 18 now.) DH is going through some sadness about the empty nest thing right now...and he does talk to me about it. I try to empathize as much as I am able...but truly I'm so glad skids are up and out...
My skids are 17, 19, and 21.
My skids are 17, 19, and 21. It's such a relief. Although my DH is loving the empty nest. Might help that my DD12 is still at home.
Amen.
Amen.
For the most part, my DH is loving the empty nest. But every once in a while he gets sad about it.
We've traveled more since skids have grown...and are planning a couple more trips this fall. I love it.
Us too! Even though the skids
Us too! Even though the skids didn't live with us for the most part the last couple years, DH was still hesitant to travel. I think he thought BM would get wind of it and pull a stunt. He just let me book a last minute weekend away and barely hesistated now that they are all out for sure.
I feel you. I told DH that I
I feel you. I told DH that I don’t think of myself as their stepmom. I think of them as DHs kid. I never claim them and always refer to them as “your kids”. I don’t want parenting responsibilities over them. They are not my priority. My priority is DD. I don’t even prioritize DH because he’s said some pretty awful things to me in the past. DH loves me so he hangs on.
Few questions…do you work?
Few questions…do you work? Is your mom close or are these overnight trips you take to see her? When did you let DH know that you would not be able to watch SS after school?
I know that some will disagree with me, but if I did not work, and my DH was my and our kids only source of support, I would certainly watch his kid for a few hours after school and help him with kid. (to a point) Not like a slave though.
I mean, he is 10. How hard can he be? Give him a snack and send him off to play games or something til his dad gets home and then let DH take over. What does he actually expect you to do beside watch his kid a few hours a day till he gets off work?
Im trying to think what I would be comfy doing for DH if he supported me and needed my help with his kid….I would watch him for FEW hours til DH got home. I would probably wash his kids clothes but let DH fold them. I would make sure skid is fed and safe during the time I watch him.
Things I would not do or be responsible for...Cleaning up after kid. Nothing to do with school. No homework or school meetings. Skid hygiene. Discipline.
I like these boundaries a lot
I like these boundaries a lot.
Like you, I never fully disengaged from my skids. I like to cook...and it's really just as easy to cook for DH and me plus skids as to cook for 2. Sometimes easier. Would never cook a special, separate meal for skids, though...and started expecting them to help clean up after dinner...
Also would watch them for a bit if DH had a meeting or something. But a couple times he went out of town for a weekend on skid weekend and expected me to watch them full-time. I did that twice and then said never again - if you're not here, they're not here...
All this is just the practical details, though. I think for me, and for a lot of stepmoms, the overwhelming, crushing expectations concerning skids are the emotional ones. Love them like your own. Care about them like your own. But if you do...and then you treat them like your own (aka discipline, expecations, etc.) you will be judged harshly for it. Give, give, give, give, give. Never make a peep. They were there FIRST! You're second...or even last...in your own home. Pay for stuff for the skids...but don't expect any thanks. Be as excited about the skids coming over as your husband is. Be as excited to spend time with them as you are to spend time with your own children. Include them in everything...even in YOUR baby announcement and parties. They're your kids too!!!!! (But don't you DARE discipline them or have expecations...remember that). This is your first child?!?!?! No it isn't!!!! You have 3 skids! How dare you show excitement over your "first" when you really already have kids!!! (But, again...don't you DARE call yourself their mom. How could you?)
I could go on and on. A couple could discuss all of the particular details before the wedding...everything regarding who will do pick-ups, who will pack lunches, who will or will not provide childcare...etc. And I think most stepmoms would STILL be crushed and depressed and feel a lack of self-worth due to the overwhelming emotional expectations that their husbands, their husbands family and, frankly, all of society places on them.
OP has a first child and she's excited about that. She should be allowed to enjoy her time with her new baby and her family without everything always having to be about the skid. Obviously.
That's why responses like CG's are so utterly clueless and banal. Thanks, CG. None of us ever thought to discuss expectations and duties regarding skids before you came along and showed us the way!!
I hate the old, "you knew
I hate the old, "you knew what you were getting into" line. I THOUGHT I knew what I was getting into. I did not. I had a stepson prior to being with DH. That kid's mom was not a complete psycho. She pulled some shady stuff, but nothing like DH's ex. Shoot, DH's ex is still pulling shady stuff, only we aren't targets as much as we used to be. She did just try to pull and insurance scam on us. Which is completely stupid because the check would have been sent to us if it had been issued.
I think your dh needs a
I think your dh needs a reality check. You took SS with you to your mom's - what more does he want? It isn't as if you left him parked at home ...Does your dh seriously expect you to sit beside SS every minute of the day that he's in your home and not move from there?
I don't think she took him.
I don't think she took him.
Oops! My mistake! I read SS
Oops! My mistake! I read SS when what she wrote was BS :)
Did you just leave SS home
Did you just leave SS home alone? For how long? Did your husband know he was being left alone and have time to make alternate arrangements?
I have no issue with a stepmom wanting time with her own family without the SS in tow. I have no issue with a stepmom not wanting to have to constantly watch a skid. It's not her kid. But I do think it's necessary to communicate plans to the skid's father, so that if he doesn't want the kid left alone he can do something about it. But . . . I'm not sure from what was written how this whole thing went down.
I am curious, too. Although,
I am curious, too. Although, I wouldn't mind if DH left DD (mine, not his) home alone at that age. Although she is fairly mature with her phone skills and we can see my mom's house from mine. However, DD's father is MIA. In the OP's case, Dad might get wrath from BM for the kid having been left alone.
I left SS alone, it wasnt his
I left SS alone, it wasnt his first time being alone, his mom used to live him alone from when he was 8 years old, and before i moved in with them the dad would leave him alone while his at work till six pm. SS would be at school and get home at around 4pm. so he would only be alone for just 2 hours or so. He has his own set of keys for the house, he usually goes out to play and come backs at 6pm or he stays home and watch TV Its no big deal. I used to be a stay at home mom but have been working for almost 2 months now. I don't work on saturdays so i decided to visit my mom at her office which is 10 mins walk from my place and i was gone 2 hours or less. I think DH wants SS to be included in all my plans, visits, errands etc he doesnt want SS to feel excluded like he isnt part of the family, well i am sorry but he has to be excluded a lot where i am concerned, i cannot take him with me to visit my mom, coz he is not their family or friend and he is BM's spy and my mom, family and friends wouldnt want me to bring SS with me whenever we meet up. When SS goes to see his mom, he doesnt take me with him and am pretty sure he wouldnt want to if given a choice coz he would want to have their space and privacy to discuss whatever. So SS and DH should understand
I'm going to throw a bit of a
I'm going to throw a bit of a devil's advocate statement out there....
While your mother might be a higher priority.. you may have RESPONSIBILITIES towards his son... if I remember correctly you stay home and I am guessing that means caring for house and kid(s) in the mix. In exchange for your DH bringing in the income.. you provide the other services like child care.. even.. yes for his son?
Now, I completely get not wanting to take care of the child.. but then you need to change the arrangement with your DH.. go back to work..etc.. because it seems like he believes you have a responsibility... (not the same as a priority).
His child is 10 and that doesn't sound like it would be a good idea to leave a young child who may not be capable at that age (some kids are.. some aren't) alone.
Now, if your DH was able to watch him.. great... but if the previous agreement was that you would provide that for the boy.. you need to ensure that it is covered if you can't or won't be there.. including making your husband understand you aren't able to be the boy's caretaker.. but your husband may then expect you to go back to work to contribute more financially to the household so that childcare for both kids can be procured.
I would like to know what she
I would like to know what she did with the boy as well. Did she leave him with DH or BM (which was what I assumed) or did she leave him alone? If she is a SAHM and part of the arrangement they have is that she watches not only their bio but SS as well... then that changes things. Can't have your cake and eat it too.
OP mentioned in a blog of
OP mentioned in a blog of hers, that weekends are the only time she has off and so too , her husband.
I take that as she works, but maybe she meant it another way. Such as weekends are only chance she might have relief from 24/5 care of her baby (because Dad is home).
I don't think she is a SAHM, but I could be wrong, "only time off" mean to me she works outside the home MOnday through Friday.
Though her last blog or so, her Dh was whining about being tired of doing all the care/parenting tasks of his oldest child and he married OP to help him do it.
I have a hard time 'buying' these weren't major issues between this couple before OP married him.
Yeah.. for whatever reason it sounds like her DH has categorized all "child care" as wimins work.
Now, while I don't agree with it... that is an issue they need to hash out and I don't necessarily agree that the solution is to just leave the boy potentially alone.
It's like a situation where you have a part time job... and you are supposed to work the day shift on saturday and you instead decide to go out and have lunch and visit with mom while getting mani/pedi's. YES... of course your mother is probably more IMPORTANT to you than your PT job.. BUT.. as far as the priority in your responsibilities.. it's probably to meet your day shift responsibilities.. not complain to your boss that your mother is more important and why doesn't he "get" that? Now, mom goes in hospital.. perhaps then boss understands...lol.
Now, if dad is upset because he can't relax on a weekend while she is out for a few hours.. she has a husband problem.. not a skid problem. Clearly the two have very different expectations and assumptions about their life. If they don't get on the same page.. I don't see it lasting without one or both of them developing a LOT of resentment.
(note.. I'm not saying his POV would be right.. but it is what he currently seems to think the deal is with the two of them).
SAHM or not, SS is not my
SAHM or not, SS is not my responsibility because he actually has a mother, she is not dead. That makes all the difference. I will not be inconvinienced or tied down and hindered to go where i please because of SS while his BM is free as a bird, hell no, i am not the one who gave birth to him and will never be.
Ohhhhh I Feel You!!!!!
Oh my goodness! Your DH is on crack!!!!! Why on earth would he expect you to choose your SS over your mother is right!!!!! Absolutely ridiculous! When I read your words about a forced relationship, it totally resonated with me. I had not heard it put like that before, but it is spot on!!!!! That is exactly how I feel.
When I first met my DH and was introduced to his kids, I was definitely in a fantasy world. I am older and had been in a few relationships since my divorce (which was about 10 years before meeting my DH), so I was not into wasting time. Either you know it is right with this person or not (maybe that was my mistake lol). But, with all his faults, I love DH. HOWEVER, I do not love his kids. Don't get me wrong, if something happened to them, I would be there to give DH emotional support. HOWEVER, I feel no connection to these kids whatsoever. I was feeling bad/guilty about that, but after reading blogs on this site, I no longer feel so bad and I know I am not alone.
My bio kids will always come first to me as well as will my relatives to me! I don't think that is wrong nor do I think you are wrong. Just be strong and stay true to your convictions. DH is either going to come around or you will have to deal with that. But know I am one (of many apparently) that believe that you did nothing wrong!