It feels so good to know that I am not alone in this, nor am I crazy for thinking that my SD is totally out of line.
I tried to have a talk with DH last night, but he does not like confrontation and just wants it to "go away". He said he did talk with SD about her disrespect towards me and her response was that her "beliefs" are to speak your mind no matter what. He was hurt as he did not raise her this way, however, he will not express that to her. I really feel that DH needs to stand up to his daughter, and tell her - in my presence - that he will not accept her disrespectable behavior. Again, he is afraid of conflict. He does feel that I need to sit with her and "work things out". I don't agree. I do think I need to handle the loan situation on my own with her, and told him I would do so. He constantly says he does not want to lose his daughter. I don't want him to lose her either, I just want him to stop giving in to her every whim out of fear.
We have both raised our children differently, and one of the differences that has caused issue in the past was that he always allowed them an "open door" policy with their friends. I took issue with that once we made our own home together, and they grew into adults. He had a summer home prior to our relationship and allowed his children and friends to come and go as they pleased (and trash the place and not contribute a dime). We now have a new larger summer home, and SD is resentful toward me because she feels that she should be able to come and go "like in the good old days". We have many friends and family who visit, and I do not feel that this should be a flop house for our children.
When do they stop being brats and start acting like the adults they are. She is a married woman for Gods sake !
I need peace with all of this.