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Step Son Wedding Dilema

debiamia's picture

DH was married two times before we met and fell madly in love. I didn't know about the first marriage and then 12 year old stepson at first, just his mean exwife and the two SD's 5 and 2. He told me about ex #1 while we were driving down the highway at 70 MPH and though I wanted to jump out I couldn't.

EX #1 and DH were married right out of high school. It lasted four years and he caught her cheating on him in their house. SS was being neglected. EX #1 had turned into a terrible alcoholic and SS witnessed some horrible things.During the divorce DH tried to gain custody but it was always the mother had full custody. DH had visitation EOW and only missed one weekend.

EX#1 remarried shortly after and that husband divorced her eventually marrying an old friend. Now SS26 has told us he is getting married to a really sweet girl. SS and everyone involved are very nervous about BM attending the wedding because she is now drinking more than 20 drinks a day. BM visited SS at Christmas and he said she starts drinking at 8 a.m. and doesn't stop until about 6p.m. when she switches from vodka to beer.

Any ideas on how to manage this at the reception and reharsal dinner? We are paying for a large portion of the expenses and are limiting the alcohol to beer and wine- cash bar for mixed drinks. Also EX is very antagonistic towards DH and me. She gets abusive when she is drunk and calls our house in the dead of the night and ask to speak to her "husband".They have not been married for 23 years. Now we have an unlisted number. Ideas? Help?


sparky's picture

I wouldn't invite her. Just because she is a family member does not mean it is her entitlement to be invited. Who would want an abusive alcoholic at their wedding?

ColorMeGone2's picture

Then that's his choice. It's his wedding. Having said that, though, I would make sure there's at least one big, burly, scary-looking usher who has the sole job of escorting her out and putting her in a cab if she becomes unruly.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

debiamia's picture

Unfortunately she found out about the wedding via SS's previous stepfather whom he is very close to. He asked him to be his best man and his wife (who just happened to be BM's former drinking buddy now recovered alcoholic)leaked the information. We thought about having a good friend of ours who went to high school with BM "babysit" her.SS told DH and I that he considers us to be his family representatives and I could pick my dress color after the mother of the bride does. I almost cried. He is usre his mom will dress innapropriately.

Sasha's picture

I would suggest that SS talk to his mother and tell her up front that if she decides to come and if she decides to get hammered he would consider it inappropriate and unwanted at his wedding. He needs to let her know it will not be tolerated and the moment she starts showing her ass she will be escorted out of the festivities. PERIOD.

debiamia's picture

Thanks! We had discussed doing having him do just that. Another idea woas him telling her all he wanted was her to behave and he expected that she would OR get escorted out. I plan on keeping a low profile so I don't piss her off. Even looking TOO good could enrage her so I plan on shopping for a dress that is stylish, age appropriate and really flattering but not drawing too much attention to myself.

Sasha's picture

The only person you don't want to draw attention from is the bride. If BM is enraged by your presence and appearance, that's HER problem and not yours!

stepwitch's picture

Your ass is probably way prettier than her made up sunday face. You just be you. Think about how nasty an alcoholics skin is not to mention teeth, breathe - yuck. Your ss probably wants thim BM mother there deep in his heart, but in his head he probably could care less. This day will be his & his bride. Georgia recommended a big bouncer burly guy for an usher, Got any biker bars around?

Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Most Evil's picture

I like the person appointed to take her out if necessary. It is a shame but I have to say, at one point there were so many people who drank too much in our family that we all had daytime weddings with no alcohol! I would have died if someone showed their *ss!

It is sweet the way your SS is to you, he sounds like a good 'kid'

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

CplStv's picture

I have "Escorted" Fools from Weddings, Funerals, Grad Partys, etc.
I'm Not A "Big Scary Dude" but I Do have a Rep as The Last Man Standing, Come What May...
I'm Polite, the FIRST TIME I SPEAK, Then I Get Real Quiet, and Warn ONCE, "Walk Now, under Your Own Power, or I TAKE YOU OUT, AND I DON"T CARE IF YOU GET DAMAGED IN THE PROCESS..." I always have a few other Guys, of similar Tempermant "On Standby" if They See Me Move On Someone, They start drifting over, casually but Obviously...


Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Sita Tara's picture

I would hire a professional though. That way the person has no personal attachment to BM. If it's someone friendly with her she likely won't listen.

Is there going to be security there anyway? You may just want to give them a heads up and have a set plan if she becomes unruly.

I had no idea that DH had actually set a plan for our wedding day, in case BM found out about it and showed up crazy. DH was a major in the Army, so he sat his former co-workers (who had met BM while they were married) by the aisle. If BM showed, they were to escourt her out and call the cops if she didn't leave willingly. DH kept all this from me and never acted concerned. Luckily BM had no idea of our wedding plans.

But as long as you have a set plan ahead of time, then I don't think you have to worry. I wouldn't do anything special to try to appease your SS's BM either. Your mere existence will set her off from the sounds of it. So leave the exit strategy to whoever you all set ahead of time, and enjoy the wedding/reception.

Peace, love, and red wine