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My horrible weekend with SD5

daysleeper's picture

I just found this site. I'm not sure where to start. I have no children of my own, and don't plan to. I'm very frustrated with my SO and my SD5. My SO and BM don't get along, and BM uses SD to manipulate SO. He lets SD do whatever she wants in the house, and out in public, because he's so scared of losing her to BM that he wants to be her best friend. Of course, BM has a new SO and so of the four of us, I'm the only person even remotely interested in disciplining SD so that she becomes a semi decent person as she grows older. She's also an only child. She screams bloody murder when she gets so much as an ant bite, which might be standard 5 year old behavior, I'm not sure, but because I'm not her BM, I'm not fooled by her crying wolf, and I think that the manipulation is horrible.
Here is how my weekend went:

Friday night, went out with friends. It's a "Dad" weekend, and they end on Monday morning instead of Sunday night. So I decided to go out and have a good time with the bit of freedom I'd have. Had to get up on Saturday morning to go to a kids' birthday party, which was fine. Then we all decided to eat at some unique chain experience, which was meh. Then a bit of rest. I noticed that SD got paint all over the kitchen chair upholstery and told SO to discipline her, so he made her help him clean it up. I doubt he ever would have said a word if I hadn't told him to.

Sunday during the day, we went to the movies. SD insisted on sitting between us, and every time I would try to hold SO's hand or vice versa, SD would get up and crawl in his lap. Annoying.

I work two jobs, one 9-5 M-F, and one part time on Tuesday and Sunday nights. This Sunday night I had work. I work at a bar as a karaoke DJ, and Sunday nights are the worst, because every other Monday morning I have to wake up at 6:30 AM to get SD to school and us to work on time. So, last night I got home from work at 2:30 AM, right after work, and SO is at the door to tell me that SD is sleeping in the bed with him because she had a nightmare. I told him that it was okay and I'd be upstairs in a bit, thinking that he would relocate her back to her bedroom.

Nope. I get in the bedroom and not only is SD still there, and hogging the bed, but is also half naked. Now, I understand that this is a natural occurrence amongst parents and their children, but I'm not her parent, I'm not accustomed to being around children, and I've only known her for five months. It's 3 AM at this point, and I finally just give up and go downstairs and sleep on the couch until 6:30.

I explain to SO why I didn't sleep upstairs, and SO said, "She's quickly becoming your kid - look at how much time she wanted to spend with you on Sunday!" Yeah, time when I was supposed to be NAPPING because of my JOB that causes me to only get AT MOST four hours of sleep on Sunday night/Monday morning. I told him that I hate how he's thrown me into this situation and how he has this fairy tale expectation of everyone living happily ever after immediately. He got offended, because God forbid I ever say anything about SD other than, she's perfect in every way.

That's all that I have for right now; I just really needed to vent. Thanks, StepTalk. You'll be hearing more from me in the future.


Auteur's picture

Here's the list that I have compiled from personal experience (over eight years) and experiences of others for the past five years on this site:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.

GOT SNEAKERS??? GET OUT NOW b/c it DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER . . .in fact it gets WORSE. . .much much WORSE!!

daysleeper's picture

1. Yes.

2. Yes.

3. Yes.

4. Yes.

5. Yes.

6. Yes.

7. Actually, no. He usually agrees with me when I bring issues to his attention.

8. Nah, she seems fine without him physically in the room.

9. YES. And this is so. annoying.

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. YES.

12. Thank God, no.


daysleeper's picture

Also, financially, SO is doing okay. There is no worry of him becoming a deadbeat.

Auteur's picture

Not so much worry that he'll become a deadbeat (overused expression to be honest and hyped by the militantly pro BM media)

What if he should lose his job through no fault of his own. Are you aware that in many areas, it take months to get a downward mod in Child Support and then states such as NY, MA and CA seldom if EVER grant a downward modification even if ZERO income is coming in?

#12 is just around the corner, take it from all of us.

daysleeper's picture

Frankly, if he pulls that, I'll show the list to him. I'm not afraid of calling him on his bullshit when he's blinded by SD.

Auteur's picture

And here it is:

(Don't mind the formatting; they were coming in fast and furious at the time of posting)

"he/she's JUST A KID!"
"you don't have children"
"Can't you say anything GOOD about my children?"
"You don't like my children"
"you don't have children"(explained) If you've never had children of your own: "You wouldn't know; you're not a mother"
If you DO have children of your own that you have raised or are raising successfully: "You're not the perfect parent" or the ever popular "My kids are different" or "My case is special"
"They're JUST KIDS!" (when SM points out inappropriate behaviour on young skids part)

"It's too late for them to change now" (when SM points out uncorrected behaviour in childhood of skids that has escalated to felonious teenage behaviour)

"They're late bloomers" (when SM points out to ostrich-dad that his kids are getting all Fs in school)

"I don't want to make waves with the BM because it might affect the children" (when SM duly notes that DH is cowering/caving to the BM and skids)

"Relax, you worry too much" (when SM brings up legitimate serious concerns)

My child comes first

I'm not gonna stop being there for my daughter no matter what you say!!

"Your expectations are too high"

I can't control what BM does

They were there first

(Said very proudly)"she is my brat"

I don't see my child often enough to teach her manners

'I'm with her for a limited amount of time i can't possibly overturn the sway of her mothers teachings.'

'i let them do what they want because i have no choice'

'i have no power in the situation.
i have no control over them.
they're not gonna listen to me.'
"Society wont let me discipline because I'm a man"
"Daddy's House."
"Mommy's House."
WTH is MY house then and who was paying the bills here and buying the foods for you to eat, (and your meds too?)

I'm trying to make it up to them for having such a lousy mother"

"How can you blame them for acting out ? Look at what they ahve been through" (divorce, 15 friggin years ago)

"It's harder for a man to be a single parent than a woman"

I want to live close to MY kid..."

They didn't ASK for this!" (referring to the pooooooooor, piiiiiitttiiiiiful children of broken homes; who get TWO xmases, TWO b-day parties/sometimes MORE than two, TWO easters, etc.)

"You need to TRY harder and make MORE of an effort. . .after all YOU'RE the adult here!"

"Our marriage will never come first. SD will always be my first priority. I will never love you as much as her"

"You don't know what you're doing b/c you've never had a child"

"I feel like I'm stuck in the middle"

"He says he does not want them to feel like they can't come to him."

daysleeper's picture

I can't imagine my SO ever telling me that he loves me less. Differently, okay, and I respect that, but less??? It would break my heart.

Auteur's picture

bear in mind, these are ACTUAL QUOTES from biodads to SMs.

I NEVER EVER thought that GG (biodad I live with) would raise a harsh word to me never mind actually get physical with me during heated arguments.

Boy was I WRONG!!!

Men are quick to show their TRUE LOYALTIES.

Auteur's picture

biodad I live with for over eight miserable years. He's forgotten my b-day twice. Once was about 16 mos after he moved in. The 2nd time was last week; more or less on purpose.

GG is short for "God's Gift" b/c he thinks he is god's gift to women. And no he didn't act like this when I first met him; nor did he act like this during his first marriage as the BM's family kept him "in line."

Auteur's picture

Stacey13, you totally did the right thing! And we appreciate your input here.

It's no doubt that CS will come after your ex-guilty daddy. And then he'll be even MORE desperate for an unsuspecting woman for that "2nd income to support his spawn"

daysleeper's picture

Well, I'm definitely not anywhere near thinking of LEAVING. I just need to put my foot down and set some rules for the home that we share.

Willow2010's picture

Most of this is normal. Except for this....""She's quickly becoming your kid" OMG how did you keep from laughing in his face.
Have you only been dating/living together 5 months? And he said this?! :jawdrop:

daysleeper's picture

We've been living together for five months; we've been dating for ten. Here's how the conversation went:

(9:48:02 AM) Me: I just want to go on the record as saying that when it's not your kid, sleeping in bed with a half naked kid is weird. Sad
(10:50:10 AM) SO: She is on the way to being your kid though
(10:50:26 AM) SO: How much time did she spend attached to you yesterday?
(10:51:59 AM) Me: Yeah, that's great, SO, but you very very often make the mistake of assuming that I'm instantly just cool with everything. Please remember that I've only known her for 5 months, and that some of this stuff does take time to become comfortable with, and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that at all, and further, I feel like it's unfair that I feel uncomfortable even bringing up a concern like this to you because I'm made to feel like my adjustment period is taking too long/like I've done something wrong.
(11:23:16 AM) Me: You seem to have these fairy tale expectations of us both being completely adjusted and happily ever after right away, because she would rather hang out with me than [my best friend who joined us in the movie] yesterday. This shit takes time, especiSD with so many changes going on in both my life AND hers.
(11:23:35 AM) Me: Also, while we will get much closer, it's not entirely fair to say that she'll ever be my kid. She's not ever going to be my kid. There's a vastly different relationship between a child and her step parent, and a child and her parent. We'll be just as close, but in a completely different way. Take it from someone who has had step parents and parents for pretty much as long as I remember. I do consider [my stepfather] to be a very strong father figure, and I consider [my stepmother] to be a strong figure in my life as well (though I consider her to be more of a confidant than a mother figure), but that's exactly what I'm talking about. It's a different relationship. In the end, as much love as I have for [stepfather] and [stepmother], my mom and my dad are my mom and my dad, and nothing is ever going to change that. It makes me very nervous and uncomfortable that you would say that [SD] is on the way to becoming MY kid. To say such implies that I'm somehow replacing or filling in for someone else. What she is, and the role that we will both grow into together, is MY stepkid. And that's a very, very special connection, that gets easily disregarded when you say that she's on her way to becoming my kid. She'll never be my kid. She'll be my stepkid, and that's something altogether different and quite special in its own right.

planningMyEscape's picture

Auter gives great advice.

You need to run away as fast as you can. This will NOT get better! It never does. I wish I had known that years ago and I would have run myself. If you don't run, you can come here and vent to us anytime Smile -and trust me you'll need to, in order to save your sanity. Everyone in your life will probably think you're awful for wanting your SD to be well behaved (and of course if she grows up acting like a brat, they will blame you too)...this site is a godsend for those of us who have no one else who understands what we are going through.

daysleeper's picture

I'm so glad I found it. I'm at my wit's end, I really am, just because I can't vent to anyone. Now I can!

calmlady's picture

Please understand how much I sympathize with you but have to tell you it does NOT get better in most cases with step daughters. The two of you HAVE to agree (you and your husband) on the discipline and she should be sleeping in her own bed!!!! To many parents are afraid of losing their children / a child that is loved is a child that is given boundries early and taught respect!!! The person with the job gets the rest they need and the parent that is fearful needs to learn there is nothing to fear but fear itself!! Be a parent not a friend and when they grow up hopefully they will respect you, if not enjoy your life without them!!! Life is to short.
LOL Take care / you have reason to be frustrated and it does help to vent : )

daysleeper's picture

Amen. I'm going to tell him today that of she wants to come in because of a nightmare it will no longer be acceptable for her to sleep in the bed with us after she is comforted.

StepOnMe101's picture

If she has a nightmare, he needs to get up and take her back to her room and sit in there for a few minutes until she settles down. She should never be laying in the bed with him or the two of you. I'd say once a child is of speaking age (2-3) they shouldn't be sleeping with their parents anymore. I am not one of the posters that will advise you to immediately run. It has definitely not been smooth sailing, but I came into the relationship I am in now when my step daughter was 2 1/2...she is 8 now and things have changed dramatically in the way my husband parents her. He listens to my input ( a lot of my ideas come from this site!) and he has compromised on a lot of issues. In some cases a man might not change, but if a man truly loves and respects you he will listen and make steps in the right direction! It took me a few years to get into the groove and to get accustomed to living with a child that is not my own but it HAS gotten easier to deal with. I do very much enjoy my time alone with my hubby and the SD can certainly get on my nerves at times but overall I wouldn't change it for the world. I love my husband and he is worth it. GOOD LUCK!!!

daysleeper's picture

I'm glad that I found this site when I did. Biggrin SO is a man of sound mind and high intelligence, who is already willing to listen to my feedback and has admitted that she shouldn't be in the bed with us (but that when it was just the two of them, he was too lazy to say otherwise to her!). I feel like my SO is worth me trying, as well, and I'm just happy to have a place to vent to others in my situation. Thanks for the encouragement. Smile

StarStuff's picture

Read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. Perhaps your local library has it to check out.

Stressed Out Mom's picture

My SD6 will cry immediately to get her way. And her father falls for her shit every time. Them Im pissed off because I feel as if he has underminded me just to let her have her way. You should see the evil looks she gives me when her dad gives into her. Its like she is saying..."Ha ha, Fuck you, I'll always win" It makes me want to throw up. I think part of the reason my son who is 11 is so well rounded and behaved is because he hears the word "NO" from me and he knows there will be no negotiations. What is so hard about setting boundries for your child? They dont love you less, if anything they respect you more.Daysleeper I have had more crappy weekends than I care to admit because of SD6. I will never forget when I moved in and SD6 came into our room to sleep with us and yes only wearing underwear. I also went on the couch. The next day I told my boyfriend it would never be acceptable for him to sleep in bed with my son and its not acceptable for me to sleep with his child. I told him if he has to coddle her to go to sleep that he will be doing that even when she becomes a teenager. Ive been with him for over a year and she has gotten worse about going to bed. Just last week I pitched a fit and told him if he can not put his spawn to bed like every other parent, then he could kiss my ass as Im walking out the door. It took for my son to make fun of him for him to get ashamed. He went to put his spawn to bed and my boy told him "See ya in 2 hours!" When he left the living room I Hi-5'd my boy and said "well said" Now maybe I was being inmature but if an 11 year old boy notices this ridiculous routine then I cant be that crazy and bitchy. Im so proud that I stuck to my guns when putting my boy to bed. 10 min of book reading together, tucked him in, a kiss on the forehead and left the room. Even when he got back up, I'd comfort him with a sip of milk and walk him back into his room, tucked him back in bed. Told him I loved him and reminded him that tomorrow was a new day. So anyhow after my son said this to my boyfriend. THe next night he changed his routine. He put her to bed in 15 min. I was impressed. I hope it continues. So DaySleeper DO NOT be afraid to say something to him.

daysleeper's picture

The sad thing is, she always will win. I am actually lucky enough to have a SO who is intelligent enough to, when removed from the situation, admit that he's a sucker for SD and that I'm right to point out to him how SD plays him. As an update, I did tell him that it's not cool for her to sleep in the bed, and he admitted that in hindsight he would have taken her back to her room. The next time that we run into this problem, I'm not letting him sleep until he does. Better train him early Wink

calmlady's picture

Daysleeper I LOVE that you have leveled Wink It's great to be here for each other and get honest answers not tainted by being involved in the actual situation. Glad to be here with you!!! Now go train him girl!!! Let us know how it goes. LOL

Stressed Out Mom's picture

Good for you. I had not said anything many times and it built up so bad until I exploded at him. So I had to learn to get it off my chest as soon a possible. Im glad you SO agrees with you and is willing to make changes quickly. You should read some of my blogs, I'm curious if you go through any of the same stuff? Stay Strong Girl!

daysleeper's picture

I'll definitely give your blog a perusal once I get off of work this afternoon, and I'll let you know what I think/if I've run into the same sort of thing.

Doubletakex3's picture

Here's a great litmus test: Ask him if blood is thicker than water and then report back to us what he says. Wink