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My Feelings were hurt

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I started being hurt but now I'm starting to get mad.

So Ss23 and his girlfriend are back from their 7 country 2 week trip to Europe.  We had given them $160 to use if they bought us any souvenirs so they wouldn't have to spend their own money.  They wanted us to come over and have dinner and pick up the stuff they bought.  So we bought their dinner and then went back to their new apartment.

The part that I'm having issue with (which shouldn't surprise me, I guess) is the framed pictures in Ss23's new apartment. All along the entrance wall there are framed pictures of the girlfriend's family and Ss23's family.  A big picture of Dh and Ss23 at a baseball game and a picture of Ss23, Bm, Ss23's little sister and Bm's baby daddy.  There is not one picture with me in it.  It is like I don't exist.

I mentioned this to Dh after we left and he just said, "well, they never see you to take a picture." Um, that's not really true.  It's just that I didn't go to places that they took pictures.  There are things that I just let Dh go to because I wouldn't enjoy the activities and didn't want to damper the fun Dh would have with his son.  Also, I didn't go to Ss23's graduation because we had a sick, senior dog at home and Ss23's school was 4 hours round trip. Dh would not have wanted to cut his day of celebration short to go home and take care of the dog and it would have ended up being a big fight. I had MIL take my place. 

However, I'm the one who had a big graduation party for Ss23 at our house the next month.  But I guess it wasn't a picture worthy event.  Hmmm.

So, I guess I should just forget about it and go on about my business.  No matter how Dh wants to spin it, I'm just not important and only an after thought of a person that comes along with Dh sometimes.

On another note, I'm expected to turn over my current iphone to Ss23 tomorrow when I get a new one.  Maybe I should ask Ss23 to get one from somewhere else. Ha!!! Would never happen.  Dh would have a fit!!!  Ss23 has been complaining to Dh that he can't read his phone and the battery keeps dying.

Next time I will not have a weak momment and offer my phone to Ss23.  I will just trade it in.  The End.

 

Comments

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

After everything you’ve done for the kid, he does you dirty like that? Nope, you should trade the phone in for your own benefit and when asked for it say “oh! Right. I forgot, sorry!” There has to be a photo of you two or three SOMEWHERE in the world. Or. Maybe you can use the money you saved from trading the phone in to hire a photographer for a mini family session with the 3 of you. 

Ridiculous. Disrespectful from SS and DH. I say cut off the gravy train immediately.

Want2's picture

My FDHs daughter gives pictures of herself as gifts. Coffee mugs even, thanks Shutterfly!

Maybe you should gift them a pic of you and your DH and wait to see what happens with it.

tog redux's picture

I long ago accepted that SS will never be close to me because his mother won't allow it. He's civil, that's all I can expect.

BUT, I would not give him anything that belonged to me.  Your problem here is with DH - he can buy his kid an iPhone if he wants him to have it.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'd feel hurt, too.

Sometimes it feels as if we do all the work, but get none of the credit or appreciation. And when we speak up, our partners seek to minimize our feelings.

In my FIL's spartan bachelor house, his daughters' wedding portraits were prominently displayed. There were none of DH and me. Guess we didn't rate.

I even marginalized myself, displaying pictures of DH's kids and family throughout my house. I wanted so badly to belong, you see. What a doormat I was. Part of my disengagement journey included replacing those pictures with ones of myself, DH, and the places and people that make me happy.

Please don't take this lying down like I did for so many years. Have a suitable picture  ready to go with your cell phone. If it's rejected well, that's a whole separate issue, but don't allow that skid or his gf or your DH to marginalize you. Don't pretend you didn't notice of don't care. You have value and deserve better.

DPW's picture

I get why you're upset. You have been in SS's life for a very long time now, have supported him, and it hurts to be excluded/not considered. 

I'm still voting for not giving him the phone but it might be too late now. 

disrestep's picture

Oh the wall of pictures of the first family minus the stepparent. My adult skids all do the same thing. There are pics of them with DH, DH with BM, and DH with MIL on BM's side with them. Yup, even though I unfortunately attended many Skid events and had my pic taken with DH and them, there are no pics with DH, them and me. A couple of these adult skids have shrine-like areas of pics of the first family. 

Yup, it's like we don't exist. I don't care, as we don't have pics of them around the house. One time, when we went to SD's place, she pointed out to DH to "look at all the pics of you and BM" she even had their old wedding pics all over the place, in frames and on the wall. It was weird. 

DH once said we should send them pics of him and I to them. I thought why waste our time and money, the skids would just throw them away anyway.

I agree with some others, he doesn't deserve your old phone. I'd trade it in.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yeah. I don’t even go on any of the skids’ social media for this very reason.

Then there was the time that I sent DH and YSD to NYC for her birthday...and picked her up from the airport after bc DH was staying longer for work. 

She excitedly showed me all the souvenirs she got for her family (aka the first family). Not included...the person who paid for the whole trip and drove an hour to get her from the airport.

It is hurtful to be treated like an afterthought. I pulled way back after that.

somethingwicked's picture

I'd confront the 23 year old skid and ask him why no picture of generous SM who is giving said skid the iphone with no strings?

Seriously.

Let him explain to you  why in his mind you do not rate one picture on  his wall.

This is something you want or at least expected and was surprised and hurt judging from your post.

So ,NO ~This is NOT acceptable.

And your DH is a wuss giving his ADULT son a pass.

He should also ask  his son why is his wife ,the generous SM ,not included in the family photo wall at skid apartment.

You were not the Evil SM, right?

Lance that painful boil and get it all out.Do not be afraid of the truth .And no more tip toeing around skid issues.Too much of that and they get away with murder. We read about  it all the time here.

Good luck!

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lieutenant_dad's picture

This. I'll never understand why people don't talk about painful topics.

I get waiting for a better time, or until counseling. I get delivering a sugar-coated version in hopes of getting the point across. Heck, I even get texting the words so that it can be a rational discussion. But to be silent allows a wound to fester.

Dawn, it's okay to speak up to SS and tell him it hurts you. It's okay to ask him if he doesn't see you as family. He may truly want to put a picture up and he just doesn't have a good one. That is a problem that can be remedied at the next Christmas.

Or you'll find out that he merely tolerates you, which gives you closure and a reason to pull back. If DH asks why, you explain the conversation and that you'll put your energy into people who care about you.

I don't think it's right to stay in a marriage that you have to lie about your feelings and desires in. I'm not saying you constantly voice the things you feel, but facts should be established. Burying it all so you only get the good times only works for so long. Eventually, the entrenchment of resenment becomes deep and irreparable. Even if you never divorce, that ache is still always there.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

After I posted my blog yesterday, Dh rolled out of bed and I brought up the picture issue.  It turned into a big fight.

The funny thing was, he knew it was going to be a problem as soon as he saw the wall in Ss's house.  Dh knew right there on the spot that it wasn't right but he didn't say anything.  He said he was afraid of how the conversation may spiral out of control.  Or maybe he just HOPED I didn't notice ( yeah, right!).  Or maybe he just got distracted.  Whatever the reason.

I'm not sure if I got Dh to really understand how something like that feels.  It's hard when you've never walked in a step parent's shoes.  He needs to get that....

I think after he had time to think about what I said, he may have started to GET it a bit.  He texted Ss and Ss's girlfriend and said we need to take family pictures.  The girlfriend seemed to think it would be fun.  I guess we'll see if some kind of pictures are ever taken.

I kind of feel bad for Ss's girlfriend. She has NO idea how all of this step family dynamic works.  She has NO idea how crappy Bm was as Ss's mother most of the time (she did have a few good moments).  She has NO idea what we've all been through with Bm.  And I am quite sure that Ss would like to keep it that way.

Meanwhile, I'm sucking it up and we are meeting Ss at the phone store to make the exchange.  However, this will be the LAST time I supply a phone for him.  If I say anything in the future, PLEASE, everybody set me straight!!!

Aunt Agatha's picture

I’m sorry they - including your DH- are treating you this way.

Heres hoping your DH pulls his head out of his behind!

DPW's picture

Your husband organizing a family picture event is like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound.

(sorry admin *air_kiss*)

amyburemt's picture

have someone take a really great pic of you , dh and ss at graduation party and then frame it and give it to him as a present.