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Opinions Needed/Pre Wedding Drama

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Ss26 sent a text to Dh wanting to know if he wanted to join them at the tasting for picking out food for his wedding.  Dh asked me if WE were available.  I said that yes, we could take a long lunch that day.

Well, it turned out that Ss only wanted Dh OR me (really only Dh I think), not Dh AND me.  They only had one seat available.  Dh made a bit of a stink and got another seat set.

After I found out about all of that, I felt very awkward and figured they were talking behind my back thinking that I forced the issue, which I did not.

I went anyway and I guess everything was fine. Nothing was said about the "mix up".

At one point we were alone at the table with Ss and I asked about what colors they had picked.  He told me navy, dark green and silver. I am trying to figure out what color of dress I should be looking for as I have been given no direction.  Do I just coordinate with what Dh will be wearing or what?  I'm going to have to ask Ss's fiance.

So Dh asked about if they had suits picked out and where they were getting them from.  Ss told Dh he could just wear a suit out of his closet.  He wasn't included in the wedding party.

Is it normal for the groom's father to not be included??


Mominit's picture

Obviously I'm just speaking for myself, but the parents were not in either of our wedding parties.  They wore whatever colour they wanted (I think the Mom's might have chatted to avoid being identical), our father's wore whatever they wanted and coordinated with their wives.  At my first wedding they did not sit at the head table (just the wedding party itself).  At my wedding to DH we sat with our parents and children (we're odd though and our children were our wedding party.  Son was best man, the girls were maids of honour).  

So I'd say that's pretty normal.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

It is normal for the groom's father to not be included. Traditionally, Mother of the Bride should be the one with first choice of dress color. Find out what she's wearing and coordinate a dress with your DH's attire. Smile

justmakingthebest's picture

I am trying to think back but I don't think too many grooms fathers are included in anything other than the beginning with the ushers if it is a big formal wedding. The most recent one I went to, the groom brought his mother down the isle and his father walked with a sister. I would think in this case you and DH would just walk together or already be seated if it is a smaller wedding. 

I have seem many grooms fathers speak at the ceremony- read a scripture or poem, have words of wisdom along with the pastor. 

Survivingstephell's picture

You both go as well dressed as you can afford.  Make sure any hint at drama coming from you over anything is made clear that DH is doing it, not you.  I think most dysfunction groups don't realize what it looks and feels like when a husband stands up for his wife.    

I'd be tempted to wear a shade of red with gold but then again I'm not shy   Lol   Maybe a darker shade of wine if they play nice.  Something to blend with the pictures in case you get included.   


Winterglow's picture

My mother went to my brother's wedding dressed in scarlet and looked a million dollars. The bride's mother nearly had a heart attack - all of her family were dressed in pastels lol Heh, we don't have the colour coordination thing here Smile


caninelover's picture

For fathers not to be in the wedding party.  Also, some weddings follow traditions more than others.  I think its fine to check in with your SS's fiance to see if she has any thoughts on dress colors but if she doesn't, then just coordinate with your DH and don't worry about the rest.

PetSpoiler's picture

I just checked with SS'S fiance for their wedding.  She wasn't picky, just said no black, white, or red I think.  BM wore black and SDIL was not happy.  I picked out my dress, texted SDIL the picture, and asked her opinion.  And that's what I wore because she gave me the green light on it.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Only time I've seen fathers involved in tux shopping is when they're in the groom's party or it's a super fancy, formal affair. 

As for your dress, I'd pick something in a cool color. You don't need to be matching, but be "in theme".

notarelative's picture

While the groom's dad is not part of the official wedding party, I've seen the groom's father dress as if he were part of the wedding party, and I've seen where he doesn't. It's a matter of preference of the bride and groom.

DH picks out his suit. You get a dress that makes you look georgous and shine. And enjoy the day.

Parents of the groom traditionally host a rehearsal dinner. How you work that with divorce I can't say, as we never had to deal with that, as all exes were deceased by wedding time.

Kudos to your DH for his handling of the one seat invitation. 

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Yes, we are picking up the tab for the rehearsal dinner.  There has been no mention of Bm being involved with planning or paying any portion of it.

 Of course she will be invited and we will be nice.

twopines's picture

When DH's son got married, I asked what color BM was wearing so I would not wear the same color. I ended up choosing a very nice navy blue dress. DH was not in the wedding party. He wore a suit and a boutonnière. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

- the situation with the food tasting was good in the long run.  Your DH has set a clear boundary that says that you and he should be treated like a couple.  Hopefully, this will stand in good stead for the rest of the wedding arrangements.

- reach out to SS's finance about the dress if you are worried about the colour scheme.  If she worries about this kind of thing, she should be glad you checked with her.  If she doesn't care, she can let you know to put your mind at ease.

I can't comment on the groom's father's role in the wedding as I haven't been to an american wedding and we do things slightly differently her regarding wedding parties.  Ours tend, traditionally, to be much smaller.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Regarding the food tasting thing, I go back and forth on whether requiring Dawn to attend was a good move or not. It seems odd that a parent attended anyway, unless the parent was paying for it. I'm not getting the impression that DH is paying for the dinner. Also, not sure if BM and her partner (if she has one), or SS's fiancee's family was there.

If everyone else was there but DH was only offered on chair, then DH did right by setting that boundary. But, if this was a 3-chair event, and DH was getting the honor of being the 3rd chair, it's an odd flex - even a d!ck move - to require Dawn to attend in order for him to attend. Parents can do things with their adult children without involving their spouse, and it shouldn't be seen as a slight against the SP when that happens UNLESS it's obvious that the SP is being excluded.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I'd read this and assumed that everyone else was there but I've never been to a food tasting for a wedding so have no clue on protocol or numbers

lieutenant_dad's picture

Wedding protocol is such a regional and cultural thing that it's nearly impossible to know what is and isn't "normal".

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Ss's fiance's parents are paying for the wedding but they live out of state.  They weren't at the tasting.

Bm was not there either.

It was only Ss, fiance, maid of honor and it was supposed to be best man but he couldn't make it.  That's why Ss asked Dh to fill in.

Now, that said, if Ss would have called and explained that to Dh instead of just texting if he wanted to come, I don't know what Dh would have done but I would have insisted that he go alone.

A lot gets lost in texting vs talking!! 

Communication isn't what it should be with those two!!!


SacrificialLamb's picture

My BS is getting married next year. I remember the cake testers were very strict about the number of seats when they had theirs a few weeks ago. They had prepared only small bites of several flavors of cake. 

Regarding suits, usually the father of the bride wears his own suit walking down the aisle.  Same for father of the groom.  Neither DH nor my exDH will be wearing tuxes.  

With navy blue and green as colors, you have good options. I will be wearing a simple long black dress (brides colors are gold and black - she knows I want to wear black).

Since this is my son's wedding and his fiance's family is lovely, I expect no drama that day. My SDs will be invited but will probably not come since they enjoy snubbing me. They don't realize how much of a favor they will be doing all of us. Let them sit home basking in the glow of snubbing us while we have a glorious time without them.