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Brokenhearted and Hurt and Angry (Narcissistic behaviour?) :)

Daniel65's picture

My partner and myself have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. When I first met her, she was about two years out of a 26yr marriage to a narcissist - she had done a vanishing act one night with the 2 children and moved back in with her mother (miles away from where she used to live)

Within a few months of meeting her we were very much in love and I spent a lot of my time undoing the damage that had been done by her husband during her marriage - people commented that after a year, that she was just a different person and that was down to me. This is the good part Smile

There was constant discussions at the beginning of the relationship about her children’s and mother's behaviour both towards both me and my partner and this just ramped up and up and up and up! they made it quite clear that they would never accept me and just did everything in their power to split us up! The behaviour was discussing to say the least and IMO very controlling and manipulative in a lot of ways (way too many things to tell here so just won’t bother) this has cause constant conflict between myself and my partner, with me trying to stop them doing what they were doing to us  :(

It seems to me that both her children and mother are also narcissistic in behaviour and I would say the eldest daughter (24) and mother (70) are of type covert and the other daughter (13) was just out and out messed right up in so many ways with extreme behaviour.

By the Christmas just gone, I was actually living with my partner and by this time I had decided that she was my one and she would tell me the same thing - we both agreed that we had never loved anyone so much and that we were compatible big time! both in and out of the bedroom and had so many things in common.
The stronger our love became, the more that bad behaviour ramped up and my partner just seemed incapable of standing up to them in any way or form (she did try). This all came to a head of the holiday period, when they were all out our house and I just and blew my top and threw them all out (I mean I really lost it) unfortunately my partner went with them :( 

My partner moved back to her mums and I moved to a new house of my own, but we were still seeing each other and getting on better without the constant arguing, I would say this was the best 4 months of our relationship, but here is the but - she wasn’t telling them that she was seeing me and the times that she was she was lying to them about her whereabouts. she would also not turn up at times she would arrange with me and give some crappy excuse why she didn’t turn up. two weeks ago, I said that this constant grabbing time together was not really acceptable and we needed to talk. she asked what I wanted and I said as follows:
I would like two evenings a week with just us at my place, obviously sort not set in stone, if she was not well or her youngest was not well - or we could swap days around if we were to do some socialising and most importantly that she stops lying to her mother and kids and lying to me as to why she could not come round and lying to herself!

It was agreed that she would tell them that this is what she wanted too (and she really did - not just doing it for me) two weeks ago on a Friday night she text me to say that she was talking to them and they were just sitting there listening and that she loved me. That is that last I heard from her for two days, when I Finally! received a text saying that we were over and that her entire family(mother and two daughters) had said that they hated me and were basically saying that I was all the things that they were doing to us - she said they were heartbroken and the kids were saying stuff like they wished they were never born and she loved me more than them and that they were losing her to me and the list goes on...........
I have text her many times, but she just reads and does not answer and will not answer calls and hasn’t even come to my place to pick up the few items that she has here Sad

How can someone say that they wanted to marry you, and that I’m their biggest love, just drop me dead after 3.5 years - to say I’m gutted and heartbroken is an understatement and I can’t grasp what has happened or why it ended up like this?
I have left a tonne out of my story so far and not gone into any great detail because there would be just too much to tell, but I think you get the gist huh?

I put her things in a bag this morning and placed them on her step in her garden – looking up at her bedroom – could see all the little tokens of love that I had brought her sitting on her windowsill (I broke down into tears) by the way we are not youngsters – we are both in our 50’s

Heartbroken!! Sad


Winterglow's picture

In other words, she's, forbidden to ever have another relationship and she's going along with that? Either she accepts that or she'll need to muster up the guts to tell them to bugger off. 

Does she pay their bills, by any chance? 

Daniel65's picture

I told her this - that this would be her life forever and she could do whats she wants as long as they say its okay?

She said that seeing me would hurt then and she doent want to do that.

Yes she does pay the bills  and the others contribute very little - she is in here own place now, but she no way has enough money comming in to cover it all - imo, its just a matter of time before she goes under and has to move back to mums again

Winterglow's picture

"She said that seeing me would hurt then "

Utter hogwash. They are scared that if she marries you, she'll stop being their ATM and they'd have to pay their own way.

She's choosing them over you and even over her own life. In your shoes, I'd be inclined to say "Your loss. Have a nice life." and walk away.

Aunt Agatha's picture

There are all sorts of red flags here.

It's clear she hadn't done the hard work needed on herself after her abusive marriage.  Instead, she met you, who was ready to be a white knight and 'save' her.  So she went from one controlling relationship to yours, which was controlling in its own way.  

Maybe she went to counseling and that detail wasn't included.  But white knight relationships are generally fraught with problems as you are seeing. 


If she's letting her family control her as well, which it seems she is, then those might be the relationships she knows and continues to seek out.  This may be her pattern because she has not learned what a healthy relationship is and/or may feel most comfortable with the drama that surrounds controlling relationships. 

At this point, I'd say you dodged a giant drama bullet.  Stop looking for women who need rescuing or fixing, start working on yourself so you recognize emotionally healthy people and seek their company out.  

Daniel65's picture

Yes she did have counseling and help from the organisation that she used to leave her husband- I did leave that bit out - I didnt enter into the relationship intending to be a White Knight - I would say that It was some time in and when I had commited that all this came to light. You are not the first person to say that she is so used to the drama and control in here life that she now needs it!

Aunt Agatha's picture

They are able, even subconsciously, to know who will fulfill their needs.  You got involved, likely started helping out because she really needed it (as some people are very good at needing all sorts of things and finding someone willing to step in) and ended up where you are.  

Daniel65's picture

So it could be partly my own fault :( but without even knowing it was - Ive looked up 'White Knight Syndrome' and tbh it is me to a tee in some respects - didnt even know it was a thing! the question now is how do I stop doing it? Sad


shamds's picture

Skid gives bio parent an ultimatum its me or hobag/pimp that i will forever refuse to acknowledge or call my stepparent, despite stepparent never handing this sort of ultimatum

the typical “you love them more than me and you must choose me” when they are horrible people and abusive...

my sd’s played the pity me card that hubby abandoned them for me and our 2 kids. It didn’t matter they ceased contact with hubby because of bio mum pas and years before i was in the picture...

my husband late last yr finally found his balls and told sd she was never to answer me back. When i tell her or her sister that what they are doing to my kids is inappropriate then they must stop. They don’t get to make executive decisions about what to do to my kids and they must always run things by me. Finally they were no longer the alpha female but i was

Daniel65's picture

I do know what needs to be done, I need to let her go and let her get on with her bad choice and IMO, it’s a very bad decision, a decision that she will probably have to live with for the rest of her life!! I still have a life after I have settled down a bit, but she will have to continue to endure the madness, drama, and control forever and I do feel deeply sorry for her as other people in my life that know her - Nothing more I can do - I text her one last time and wished her a happy life and a thank you for showing what real love was all about and that I would not be contacting her any more.

CLove's picture

Yes, 3 years is a heck of a long time to go through all this. The drama, the back forth, up and down. The emotional roller coaster.

But you have the rest of your life ahead of you and if you take some time to figure things out and learn from this, you will find someone who loves you, who has boundaries and respects your boundaries, and actually has a spine and parents.

My DH is a "fixer " type. It fits because he is a mechanic by trade. He is like you and was the "white knight" to his ex, the BM Toxic Troll. He tried to fix her but she did not want to be lifted up out of her black hole of existence. She just wanted to experience and enjoy the benefits life with him provided. Shes a narcissistic, mean, selfish, abusive, cheating liar. But he loved her at one time and had 2 children with her. The eldest, Feral Forger, is a copy of her momma. Learned how to manipulate people into doing what she wants and currently has no job (like momma), has no drivers license (at 21) and has no car (of course). Her friends take care of her and she has her stuff at mommas place. It goes without saying that she has no plans to go take any college coursework. Summers almost over and shes not expressed any plans to get a job of any kind. COVID provides an easy excuse. Oh, and her mother is also not working. 

SD14 is another story. Shes a lot more like her father and is always ready to be available to help "fix her mother". Mother was kiced out apartment last christmas, and got depressed. Munchkin SD14 took days off school to get her to apartment hunt. She is having to be the adult, and is enabling her mother. Like her father the fixer. Or I guess White knight.

Your SO will forever be locked into that "you have to choose!" cycle. FEral Forger SD21 still does that, but instead of "you always pick your live in GF" when she disrespects me and he had to back me up, its now "I wish you would pick me instead of your stupid wife for once!" when she was arguing with mommy and wanted to move in with us. 

HAHA. The stupid wife owns 1/2 the house now, you twit.

SO, proceeding, please do not go back to that. She might make all the promises that she knows you will want to hear, but they wont last...this cycle was set up long before you. And she has to really want to break it herself.

Good luck. I know it really super hurts right now, but its for the best.