At various times in my relationship with DH I feel like I could have written some of those exact words.

One thing to think about- TRUE SS will always be DH's son. IF he could by some miracle get SS on the right track then MAYBE, just maybe you won't have to deal with this b.s. for longer then necessary. Probably just a pipe dream but it is something to consider. If DH could get SS to launch then your future would be better. I know tough, slim chance.

For me it's always been one thing to deal with the skids living with us, but the thought of having to deal with BM. That just really seals the deal. Every time that DH has uttered a word about YSD living with us I have always reminded him that we would be taking on more with BM and would he really want her in our day to day life?

I too have felt that I hated the drama and the skids/BM (what they bring into my life) more then I love DH. But really it's loving myself more. It's not just a little drama, stress, discontent they would bring but it's A LOT. It's not worth it to me. I lived an unhappy life one time, I'm not going to go back to that.

Hang in there Daizy. You and DH really need to sit down and have a conversation about this and the expectations. The longer you wait the more anxious and stressed you are going to get. And the more likely you are going to react out of emotions.

(((HUGS))) Love you!

Oh DaizyD - sending you big fat hugs my friend.... and passing some kleenex.... muffin with snot and tears is not nice....

Now, new plan of action, tell DH the truth about SS, his credits and all and tell DH the only thing that will get SS to be able to stand on his own will be GED. He's not going to make up all the credits, DH can talk to any school councilor to confirm this.

Then make it clear to DH, that he tried for years and BM always stopped him, it's time for BM to face the truth, SS will not move back in with DH, instead he can use the CS money he pays for BM to pay for accommodation for SS, SS should get a job to pay for the rest of his livery expenses.

Simply put it all out on the table, calm cool and collected, if DH goes against your wishes it will be the end.
and by wishes I mean, moving SS into your house

aw daizy, i hate when some tiny little detail is the straw that breaks the camel's back. (((((hugs)))))

make sure to keep taking care of YOU. i kind of agree to lay it all out for dh both as far as ss' school goes AND your own personal boundaries, then just step back.

also too about your dh's comment - yes at 30 he will still be his son. that does not necessarily mean that your dh is going to enable him his entire life. him saying he wants to get him on the right track NOW to me is a positive thing, kind of like his last-ditch effort - that's how i took it when i read that.

(((((HUGS)))))

All this crap going on and the Universe couldn't even throw you a damn chocolate chip muffin? I'm so sorry you are going through this. It really sounds like you're driving yourself crazy with the "what-ifs." Not that they aren't valid. I have the feeling your intuition is kicking in and giving you a warning. But until you know for sure that your husband is going to be "boarding his ass in your barn," try not to freak out. Easier said than done, of course.

Daizy, if I was completely CRAZED for chocolate and had one chocolate chip muffin, I'd give it to you. You've been through the wringer with this, hon. {{{hugs}}}

I did what Zero suggested - I got on board with the "get ASS's ASS into college" plan even though I really don't GAF what happens to that little effer. However, kid gets degree, kid gets job, kid stays the hell away from me.

I am lucky that my DH agrees with me that ASS ever living at our home again will NOT happen. In return, I agreed to be okay with some of "our" money going to tuition. To me, the ends justify the means.

Daizy - it scares me that your DH gave you the old "he's always gonna be my son" bullshit. To me, that says that your DH will always enable his loser son, which means that him moving back in with you is still a possibility.

I think you and your DH need to have a hard conversation. I know how hard it is, because I had the same conversation with my DH.

Hugs and all the chocolate chip muffins in the world to you, my friend. PM if you need to chat.

I might as well do what I can to try and get him on the right track now

Haha, like he did with his daughter?

The only thing he will accomplish by moving his son in, is damaging his marriage. If he wants to help get him on the right track, fine, but he's going to have to find a way to do it without moving him in.

If I remember correctly, your DH does not have a lot of interaction with his son now, so what makes him think SS will listen to or act on anything his dad says?

Yes, the kid is always going to be his son, doesn't mean your DH has to hold his hand for his entire life. That is not what being a parent is about.

Hi Daizy,

I wanted to respond because, though I don't post much, I can hear your despair. It must be so hard for you to not know what's going to happen and to be so scared that your life as you know it will come to an end because of forces (almost) totally out of your control. The muffin wasn't about the muffin - it was about one more thing that is out of your control.

You poor thing. Hugs.

Here's the thing: you do have some control here. When you're feeling strong, talk to DH. Remind him of what happened when he moved SD in. Remind him that BM2 has shut him out of any attempt to help SS and now that he's 18, that ship has largely sailed. She just doesn't want to be stuck with him so now she's all "let's solve this together!" Well, where was that joint problem solving when he was 5? When he was 13?

BM2 wants to use him to solve the mess that she has created.

Point this out to DH. Tell him you understand that SS will always be his son, and you support him in supporting his son. You don't support him in supporting BM2. You will not tolerate SS living with you, but you are open to hearing what ideas SO has for SS, and will support the ones that aren't likely to rip your peaceful life apart.

Personally, I would not be okay with the little "family" meeting that is about to happen. Why on earth does BM2 need to be involved in his relationship with his son? He is perfectly capable in assessing the situation separately from her. He is perfectly capable of addressing it separate from her. Personally, I think BM2 wants this meeting for two reasons: One, you won't be there. Two, she can better manipulate DH in real time and get him to agree to things that she knows won't fly with you.

Part of your conversation should thus be talking to DH about why this meeting needs to happen with BM2. Either he should see SS without BM around (she's perfectly capable of sending him all the information he needs in an email message), or he should see SS with the three of you (DH, you, and SS.)

You do have power and life isn't just happening to you. Turn toward your DH, not away from him, and have that difficult conversation. Let him know how you're feeling and tell him your boundaries so that he knows what they are and can respect them.

Hang in there, sweetie. You strike me as a very level-headed person, so you must be feeling pretty rotten. Remember to breathe.

18 is the magical LEGAL age in most states. In most parts of the US a parent can no longer be forced to provide for a legal adult.

But legality does not dictate emotions.

My DH took SS in when he got out of juvie after 3 1/2 years (for whatever horrible crime he committed). He ended up evicting SS (with police escort) a few years later.

When I met DH he was totally estranged from SS. They have now reconciled, but DH does not enable him at all. While I've been with DH he has let SS be homeless.

The only reason SS is still not homeless is because he has a GF who he impregnated. He's hitched on to other women with jobs but now he has an "anchor baby" with this one.

Hugs Daizy.