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SD told DH and I her college plans......OMFG!!!

daisy0202's picture

I don't even know where to start. Things went ok last night. SD of course sat with us in the living room, which ok whatever, then she decided to tell us her plans for college.

Now her plans awhile ago were to go away to college, which of course I was thrilled and told her I would help her in anyway. I actually started putting some folders together for her. This way next year she could go over the folders see what colleges we will be visiting and take it from there. This is what i did for BS21.

So she started that convertion by asking what our plans were for the weekend. So DH told her SM has girls night tonight and I have guys night in garage. Sat just hanging but going to friends at night and sunday just a lazy day. So she says she wants to clean her car sat and maybe go to the mall and a friends sat night. She will drive...OK great I am thinking. The she starts with college and says to us I have decided that I will not be going away to college. My anxiety seems to be getting better and I dont want it to get bad again so I am going to the local college and I will live here :jawdrop: So DH says OH, i thought you wanted to go away. The whole college expirence is to get out there and live on your own and become your own person. Well dad I am not that kind of person and i couldnt be away from you. I can not leave you all alone :jawdrop: So of course I chime in well he will be far from all alone, I will still be here. She says yes but you work alot of hours and anyway i dont want to leave, I have decided I will live here, go to college and by then I will be of age and we can all hang out and have drinks on the deck, laugh, party, OMG it will be so much fun :jawdrop: WTF are you talking about????? OMFG, WHAT???????? My jaw must of been open becuase BS21 said mom close your mouth in a low tone.....So DH says we will take it one day at a time you might change your mind. She says oh no not on this one dad...I am not going away to college my anxiety is to severe to be away from you. Then she got up and said i am going to my room, she smiled and left. I sat there for like half hour speachless. DH said you OK...I said ahhhhh I think so. Hes like whats wrong, you mad? No not at all mad just I thought she wanted to go away and that would be best for her to become an indivitual. DH says we will see I just cant get rid of her....

WTF...The thought that this little girl is going to be with us till shes like FORTY!!!! makes me sick!!!! I dont even know what to say. Was talking to my friend this morning and started to cry....I mean she is never going away is she?


B22S22's picture

I can't believe she is naive enough to know that's exactly what you did NOT want to hear.

Nothing like planting that 'seed' that she's not going away, and that you will NEVER be just you and your DH.... she's made it clear she plans on growing old with you two.

Do you think she said this just to see how far she could push you, and just how much you're willing to take before you break? Seriously, if she starts now announcing she's a permanent fixture, maybe she believes it'll make you disappear? Because in all honesty, I don't know if I'd have anything to look forward to in my life with DH if one of my sk's announced that to me....

stormabruin's picture

As long your DH is there, she will be there. Just think of the number of beautiful flowers & cards you'll have to enjoy though this!

Sweetnothings's picture

Get her OUT..... I was faced with this a few years ago with sd21 and there was no way her sorry ass was going to sit around in OUR marriage while going to College !! I knew what she was planning, to either go to school locally or be VERY close to us and return ALL the goddamn time ( she was one of THOSE teens, no friends visited, she never went OUT, lived on the Internet, etc )

At the time, DH was really struggling with her, and I had reached the end of SM Hell , I was ready to disengage ALL over her ASS !!! ( usual crap, no rules, punishments that came and went,giving her everything, etc) It made sense even to him to send her back ( to her country ) where she was able to get a full student loan and continue her education. I saw the path she was going down, no part time job, just expecting DH to cough up the money,and then sit in the corner, until he was next needed to supply more money....

She was, and is super super lazy, so I organised her going back and into education, and it was sorted and done within like three weeks.

I am never having the skids live with us again and DH and I have discussed this, believe me.....

3familiesIn1's picture

Hook, line and sinker.

She verbalized it, tell the counselor - word for word so she\he can get it through your SOs head exactly what his daughter said. She can't leave him alone - she doesn't count you in any way, she has to stay on as daddyeeeees mini wife.

Seriously Daisy, how did your DH not see this for what it is and not put his foot down then and there. So happy now she can date her father and be able to go to ALL of your outings.

You are letting this happen. You said nothing - nothing at all. Everything you accomplished is down the toilet.

morgan_minx80's picture

No need to give her such a hard time about it. Daisy I would put a stop to this asap and either tell them to both move out again or blatantly tell your sd that she will be going away to college. You were doing so well the other week and now it seems like they both have their feet firmly back under the table. Only you can stop this. YOU CALL THE SHOTS OR KICK THEM THE HELL OUT.

buterfly_2011's picture

What'd I tell ya in a couple posts ago.. THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM!!!!

Get on this hun. I'm sorry but if you and your DH are going to make it this girl HAS to get out on her own. I'm sorry.

overworkedmom's picture

Here is an idea! Instead of paying out of state tuition and room and board, have her go to the local Community college but help her with an apartment. Tell her she is an adult now and needs to learn how to live on her own. Tell her she is "welcome" to come over for "Wednesday dinners" (or whatever night) but other than that she needs to live her own life.

And won't you just be the coolest parents EVER helping her with her OWN apartment }:)

morgan_minx80's picture

Some of ya need to get off your high horses. Daisy come here for support as this is a SUPPORT GROUP. There's no need for some of the comments that have been posted here. She come for advice, not to be condemned.

stormabruin's picture

Some of ya need to get off your high horses.

When one comes seeking advice over & over & ignores it & then posts about the outcome that so many have predicted, we should expect to have it pointed out. Not necessarily what we want, but we should be aware that there's a really good chance it will be.

Maybe now she'll recognize that everybody else isn't wrong & give it some more thought. Maybe she won't.

Don't stand on top of your horse & preach about high horses.

morgan_minx80's picture

I am not on a high horse stormabruin. Im just commenting on some of the nasty comments to a member on this site. Its not spelt "hypocracy" its spelt hypocrisy.

Yes we probably all seen this coming off Daisy's DH and SD, certainly doesnt mean we should insult her about it. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

stormabruin's picture

My apologies for a misspelled word. Frankly, I can live a good happy life being an imperfect speller. I could not be happy living life as a hypocrite.

And to go along with the spelling corrections, it's not "its". It + is = it's. Wink

CrazieCoconut86's picture

You need to tell DH and SD that there is no way in HELL that she will be living with you while she is in college. She can go to a local school, but she will be living on campus or off campus in an apartment. She can come over ONLY once a week for dinner. Everything else, she has to learn to do on her own. That is what being an adult is about. If she can't cope with that, then off to BM she goes. Dh needs to agree with this, or he is out on his ass now.

3familiesIn1's picture

You and\or DH should have told SD right then and there, but SD - we dont WANT to hang out with you - we want to hang out with our friends, and you should be hanging out with YOUR friends. You are not our friend, but our child. Children aren't welcome to parental parties even if they are of legal age.

SD seems to assume she is an equal. She needs to be put in her place as a child. Even if she is 40, she is DHs CHILD not his equal.

daisy0202's picture

I appreciate all your posts. Yes i come here to vent because I have a hand full of friends who know my situation. But they do not live it. You guys do live these nightmares and that is why I post.

It is very easy to say leave, fuck this, move on. But doing it is another story. No one walks in your shoes. Sorry for people who feel they do not want to read my blogs anymore because i dont listen to them. But that is fine. I joined this to vent, to get things off my chest, and i do. So thank you for reading my blogs and good luck to all. Smile

Willow2010's picture

Some of the ones that post ..."leave him" are the ones that are stuck in a terrible situation that they themselves will not leave.

imthewife's picture

Daisy, I understand your frustration.

I see that some are being hard on you and I understand why. I complain to my own sister about my SD19 and she does the same thing to me...saying "nothing changes if you change nothing".

These two did take advantage of you. I was pretty pissed to see that after you kicked them out...they moved themselves right back in.

SD laid out this college plan to basically say to you "We are back and I AM NOT LEAVING THIS TIME".

However, it is your house and you do not have to allow her to stay after college, especially with her track record.

DH needs to support that...period.

oneoffour's picture

I agree that she needs to spread her wings some more. I assume she considers her recent triumph in getting herr license a reason to stay home forever.

And this is where it gets trcky. I like the idea of moving into an apartment in your town. But start with her looking for a job. She has to find a job. Baby steps is all she needs.

Look, the girl is articulate and well spoken and able to drive. I am sure she doesn't look like Quasimodo either. So finding a 'little summer job' where she has to drive to work will give her 'discretionary spending money' for things like nail polish and new clothes for school next year etc....

To be really sneaky I would take her shoppping and point out stuff you KNOW she would like. And when she wants to buy it you can make remarks like "Really? You like that? I am sure it would cute in your own place but it would need to stay in your room. It doesn't suit my style in my house."

Don't let her play house by painting her room or changing anything around. After all, this is YOUR house, not hers to decorate.

Make up some friends daughter who is coming to town to school in "a year or so' and check out studio apartments. Go over the safety features. How much you loved being on your own.

Getting all hard core will only regress her. And you have to make it uncomfortable for her to stay just enough that it is preferable to move out but not so you appear mean. Ask her to do more chores around the house. Cleaning out cupboards etc.
And when she has plans, tell her you guys have amovie and want her to stay home and watch the movie with you.

She is 16 and will change her mind. Promise. Just make life boring and dull at home. DH and you go out often even just for a walk without her. Let her get used to being alone.

thefunmommy's picture

Wow. My parents nearly literally kicked my ass out of the house when I graduated. I'm glad they did.
Pull out your experiences from school, for BOTH DH and SD.
"Wow, some of my best friends were my first roommates." "I met so many awesome people in my dorm." Stuff like that. Perhaps what you need to explain to SD is the full college experience requires leaving the house.
Also start emphasizing that as your SD will be an "adult" at 18, once she graduates high school she will start paying rent, and a share of the utilities, as well as following the same rules plus extra chores if she wants to stay in your house. Which will require her to get a full-time job in addition to paying for her schooling and doing well.

whatwasithinkin's picture

this statement says it all:
Then she got up and said i am going to my room, she smiled and left..she smiled and left ...she knew exactly what she was doing. and guys I know we all have our own opinion, but really? your calling Daisy stupid. Really? Ya know I am alittle sick of that shit, you know the I have to give up my marriage and my life style, and my future with the man I love because he and someone else fucked up SD? Why do my children have to give up a man they consider a father whom they have spent the last three years with just, me, DH and my girls while this ignorant nasty little manipulative bitched lived 500 miles away and didnt even call the man for a holiday, but did call several times to tell him how much she hated him.

Right now we are on silent in my house. It's simple, she doesnt speak to me, I dont speak to her. I can go on like this forever, it is my home, she has options when she turns 18. She can pack her ass up and leave to go back to her Mothers..

Daisy, I know divorce sucks, it just does and I cant say I blame you for doing what you did when you took them back...I get it I do...