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She wants to call me Mom

Daisy_'s picture

Hi, I'm new to this, but I have a question. We just told my Fiance's daugher we were getting married. We talked to her about everything and even asked her to be the flower girl in our wedding. She was really excited! Then we asked her if she had any questions for us. She caught us off guard and asked if she could call me mommy. Her mom and dad have joint custody. I felt great that she wanted to call me mom, but I don't want to start up any more problems with her BM. She's only five years old and really doesn't understand that this will hurt her BM's feelings. How should I try to handle this with out flat out telling her she can't call me mommy?

Comments

stepup's picture

Let her call you whatever she feels comfortable calling you. My SD (now 12) started calling me mommy after my DH and I got married. She tried it for a little bit, and went back and forth for a while, and found she's most comfortable calling me by my name, which is what she does now. Your SD should be allowed to call you whatever she feels most comfortable calling you. My SD ended up calling her stepdad Daddy for a while and while it broke my DH's heart, he never said a word. She eventually dropped that as well. Kids shouldn't feel like they can't love everyone.. especially at that age.

Stepup

ad25's picture

My SD11 calls me by my first name and I am fine with that. I never told her that she couldn't call me mom but when she would ask I would tell her whatever she wants to call me (within reason Smile was fine. To be truthful though I think I prefer that she call me by my first name. She has a mother and while I am the mother figure at my house, I don't feel like I am her MOTHER, if that makes sense. At her mom's house she does call her SD Dad, this is a recent thing that her mother asked her to do b/c they have young children in the home and the children were geting confused and also calling SD by his first name even though he is their bio. We are having a baby soon and my DH thinks that SD should have to call me mom so that our child doesn't get confused but I disagree. SD is only at our house EOW so I don't think it will really have the same impact as it did at her mom's house where she is at most of the time. But if she wanted to call me mom I don't think I would make a big deal of it-b/c at this point I think she is old enough to make her own choice of what she feels is right. JMO, I think that SC should get to decide but if the bio parent is not comfortable with the SC calling a step parent mom or dad that should be taken in to consideration. If you BM does not want you SD calling you mommy then you could just tell SD that she is special b/c she is the only kid who gets to call you by your name.

Caitlin's picture

My SD11 calls me by my first name too - although she has slipped on a few occasions and called me Mom, and we just play it off like "how funny was THAT?! HAHA!"

Anyway, what I find absolutely adorable is that when talking to her baby sister, she does refer to me as Mama - as in "let's go get Mama!" or "Mama and I are going to tickle you!" and then turn to me and say "come on, Mama - let's get her!" It was entirely her idea. She just does it with no prompting from me or her dad, and it works for us. It's nice that our daughter calls me Mama instead of Mom (for now anyway) because at least it's a different name from what SD uses for her own mother so she doesn't have to feel disloyal when using it with her baby sister. (And if you're wondering, when our little one is not in the picture, SD doesn't call me Mama at all, strictly Caitlin... unless she slips!)

lakota blu's picture

wow why the big deal. my dad remarried when i was grown and i called the monster by her 1st name....i am now in a position where the bm's husband abussed the kids and he has custody. the kids call me by my 1st name, also call me momma or mammie.....but i think it is what the kids fell like calling me is ok, i am sure one day i will make them mad and it will be worse, lol. with all there is now days to worry about what is the big dael.....kids know in there hearts who there Bio mom and dad are. in some cases the step parent is better then the bio parent....
just teach them love and respect and it will work out.

Chocoholic's picture

My stepkids call me mom.... Oddly enough, my kids don't call DH 'dad'... I would not discourage her from calling you mom if thats what she wants to do. We have always assured the kids that they can call SD 'dad' or by first name, and my SKs can call me 'mom' or by my first name.... my SKs choose to call me 'mom' and I love it! It was a bit odd at first, but that passed.
My son calls his SM 'mom' and I have assured my daughter that I don't mind if she calls her daddy's girlfriend 'mom'.... kids are not stupid, they know who their parents are.... just another non issue blown way out of proportion by jealous ex wives.

laughterandtears's picture

That's what they wanted so that's what they did. For a while they went back and forth too, it was mommy when they were happy with me and my name when they were mad. I finally told them it was one or the other but not both. In my situation, though, the BM is a sorry excuse for a mother.

As a BM, I too, would be devestated if my son called another woman mom, but I am a good mom to all of my kids, so I would hope that another woman would never get that honor.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

still_looking's picture

U know maybe in the child's opinion, she wants to give you a very special name to let you know how special you are to her, but with her limited vocabulary she doesn't know a name that is as endearing in her opinion as MOM, another way of looking at this for those of us who have GREAT GRANDPARENTS, just imagine how devasted your MOM would be if you called grandma, grandmom, NaNa, MiMaw, Mom. There is a reason we have those great names, its so that Grand Ma gets her special name and Mom is still Mom.
Maybe in her little mind she doesn't know anyone other names, and as great as the response is from you all SM and BM alike, you cannot tell me that if you also had a child and you took them to someones house and you heard them refer to the other woman as mom, that wouldn't upset you.
Just think how much fun it will be for you and your future step-daughter to come up with your own special name just for you that nobody else has BUt YOU, just like nobody else should be MOM but mom, whether she is a good, bad or ugly mom, she is still MOM.

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Chocoholic's picture

Maybe you can let your SD know that she can call you 'mom' in your home.... maybe just not in front of BM?? That is what my SKs do... their BM freaked out when she found out that they call me mom.... they were upset because they want to call me mom, but on the filp side they don't want to upset their BM.... the solution? What she doesn't know won't hurt her!! When they talk about me at their mom's house they use my first name.... when they come home (we have them 1/2 the time) they call me mom... I'm sure some of you will say that is confusing to the kids.... but like I said before, kids are not stupid.

Anonymous's picture

keep it simple and be happy either way, do not make it complicated. If they want to call you mom let them. If it causes a problem have them call you by your name. Chocoholic it is making it too complicated, this will ultimately end up leading to having the kids play the parents against each other and then to a whole dramatic situation. that I am sure you can deal without. Good Luck!

green stepmommy's picture

i never said no, but told my stepson(6) that i would prefer for him not to call me mommy. i will admit that i felt as if i were on top of the world when this came up, and i think that my husband was disappointed that i had discouraged him from it. i couldn't help but feeling that he was saying that b/c he thought that it was what his dad and i wanted to hear. he is clever and precious like that. it wasn't that i wanted to reject him or say "no, your not mine", but there was no point in doing anything that would hurt someone else that he cares about. we all know that i am not mommy. i hold a completely different, special role. its an entirely different sort of bond. you love and influence them from a different angle, as a friend/companion/mentor sort of position. now he calls me by my nickname (the same nickname that my husband used to call me way back before we were a couple, when we were just friends). it makes me happy.

Anne 8102's picture

Go with a nickname.

I had this problem with my stepson. He was 6 when we got married, but developmentally delayed, so it was hard for him to understand. He was allowed to call his stepdad "Daddy" and it's been a knife in my husband's chest for years now, but I gently reminded him that he already has a Mommy. Then he started referring to me as his grandmother, which I guess to him sounded like stepmother... LOL! It took us a while, but we finally worked it out.

I helped him come up with a nickname for me and it stuck. Think about the various names for a person's grandmother, for example. I had a Granny and a Nanny. My children have Grandma and Nana. My mom called one grandmother by her first name and the other grandmother was called Gee Gaw. (Don't ask, I have no idea.) So you can have a mother and a stepmother and call them both by mom-like nicknames. My skids call their mom Mommy and my kids call me Mama. I had a friend who's skids called her Sam. They got the S from step and the M from mother and stuck in the a in the middle to get Sam. I knew someone who had a hard time calling her mother-in-law by her first name, but felt funny calling her Mrs. Smith when she herself was also a Mrs. Smith. So she called her mother-in-law (or MIL) Milly. Get creative and you can find something meaningful and mom-like that won't offend.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

septembers_child's picture

If both Bio Parents are active in the childs life then I think it is totally inappropriate to allow your step kid to call you "mom". As long as the child has BM in her life you are not her mom or her mommy.
It's not only misleading to the child, it's disrespectful to her Bio mother and will only cause added tension and resentment..I know personally that if my children EVER called another woman "mom".. I would feel very hurt and I would resent my ex husband and his new wife.
Have you discussed this with soon to be DH and asked him how he would feel if his daughter was to call another man "daddy"?

Just my take...And congrats on your marriage!!!

Anonymous1234544's picture

I would be very upset if my child called someone else mom. However, being a stepmom to two wonderful children (one of which has been my stepchild since he was two months old), I will let them call me mom. My husband really supports this. Their mom is a B**** and is really causing problems in their lives. I do not know if she will stay in their lives or not.

Anyways, my step daughter has called me by my first name and has called me mom (mommy). When she comes back from her biomom, however, I am back to my first name for a day or so. Its okay with me. We are kind of leaving it up to her. However, I got some good ideas of nicknames on here. I am going to talk to my husband about having the kids call me mama or Mommy (first name here). I think those are good ideas and not something that they call their biomom.

I know that being called mom is very special. I may not have given birth to these children, but I love them very much. No, they will never be my bio children, but I do plan on adopting them someday if biomom leaves (which I think she might). I do not want to wait till I really am their "mom" to be called by "mom". See what I mean? I am the one who cooks, cleans up, changes diapers, brings out the crayons, gets up at midnight to give the baby a bottle, scares away the monster who is under the bed, kisses boo boos, AND a million other things. If that is not a mom, what is?

"As long as the child has BM in her life you are not her mom or her mommy." quote from septembers_child

I totally disagree. Like I stated above, what is a mom then? I say, let the child make up her own mind. But really, every family is different. Make yours into your own.

kid lover's picture

Shouldn't every situation be dealt with considering the individual feelings and circumstances of the family dynamic? It sounds as if so many of you have "opinions" that are stated so bluntly as to infer that "every" stepchild should adapt... As every family and child are different, I feel as the situation should be felt out between parents (bio and step) and allow input from the children as well. Making a small issue huge and allowing pride to overcome will only cause division and resentment amongst all. If it's all about the children then let it be.

southernshellgirl's picture

Given to me by SD when she began to talk. I know every situation is different, and as I've mentioned before, me starting as SM first, then bio mom, my feelings and opinions are shaped by that.

Crazy as it sounds, if BM would have kept it together I was fully prepared for BD to call BM "Mommy" because SD does and because we welcomed BM into SD's life with us. Before we found out she was on drugs and now I'm totally disgusted and can't imagine socializing with her.:(

BM was upset at my nickname at the beginning, but I hope it was her getting to know me and seeing my genuine love for her child and respect and tolerance for BM that made bm feel comfortable and come to use the name "Ma" for me when speaking to SD also.

Best of luck to you.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

Had the same issue when I was getting married my SD and SS said that they would call me "mum" after the wedding. I didn't feel comfortable with this and said that if they really wanted to call me "mum", then it should be "mum Lisa" to make sure that it was not the same as their real mum.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we got married and both kids never called me anything but "Lisa" and the whole call you "mum" thing dissapeared like it never was suggested by them. I don't know if the BM stopped them or if they just realised that it was better to just call me by my name. In any case I was very glad as I am not their mum and my Bio Kids would feel put out.

A Step parent is in a no win role

Anna Blue's picture

eeeeeeeee...tough

I don't think you should discourage your SD from wanting to have a close bond.
My gut says to be honest with her and make sure she understands that it may hurt BM's feelings. Your SD may decide on her own that it is a bad idea. Then you two can come up with your own name that is special.

I wish I had a five year old SD:) They are the best age for this as they develop close bonds.

*happy for you*