Wicked Stepmum Is Me Part 1
I met my partner/boyfriend/love of my life four years ago now. I'd had a long lonely old time bringing up my son alone and so to finally meet someone and find that deep connection was really special. We both brought baggage to the table. He has three children and I have one. They are all pretty much grown up now but his youngest was still at school when we first met.
I met each of his children separately. I met the youngest first. She was quiet and a bit shy. I didn't push things. I remember we sat and played cards and we all laughed. I thought I had done okay. She was staying with her Dad every other weekend. He wanted me there but I insisted they had their time together, without me and I would join them for just part of the time. My Dad married when I was 13 and I longed for time on my own with him. I was determined that she should have that space with her Dad, away from me.
I met his middle daughter who was older when he took her out for dinner for her birthday. I made cup cakes for her. She didn't seem particularly interested in me which was fine and she too, brought her new love out for dinner. She and I were fine but not a great hit. There was nothing particularly wrong. It was more that she appeared disinterested. Again I didn't wish to push myself on her and so I was just pleasant and hoped one day we could warm to each other.
Finally I got to meet the eldest son. He was friendly, welcoming, interesting and interested from the get go. He is just lovely. I can't fault him. He loves his sisters too and I was struck by their close bond. On Father's Day they all took us out for breakfast and I took some wonderful photographs of them playing together. That was before things turned sour.
So what went wrong? I wish I knew. I will continue to blog and perhaps we can explore this question together.
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What went wrong? You married
What went wrong? You married a man who did not raise his children (or daughters) to respect him at all times and to be polite, gracious, hold kindness as a value or even to have enough self-respect to wish to behave well and to live their own lives with enthusiasm as opposed to clinging to a parent with fear and inner void.
That's it. That's all there is to it.
If Dad required these girls to say please, thank you, I'd be glad to, how can I help, I think I can, and so forth since they were tiny none of us would be having these problems.
In some cases, the dad really is good but the bm is a nutter who sabotages dad. Dad can still teach the kids that he is not a doormat.
Anyway, that's what went wrong.
My DH is the same. And he's
My DH is the same. And he's trying to raise them to be responsible for themselves and realize that the world doesn't owe them their dreams just because they were born. Unfortunately SD11 has really taken to the perpetual victim-hood BM espouses. She's actually told DH that it is HIS fault her homework wasn't done since HE refused to let her choose to guess the answers. (Math - she skipped showing work and just wrote her answer, had the wrong answers, couldn't tell DH how she got the answer, finally admitted she guessed, then refused to actually follow the directions because it was too much work.)
BM is the same way. She got 3 speeding tickets that weren't her fault. The cop was being a jerk and didn't understand that BM was late and HAD to drive fast for one. Another one was EVERYONE was speeding. The cop just hates her. The third was the cop's fault for pulling out behind her and scaring her to try and get away from him in a school zone? (She's white, btw, so it's not like it was a racial thing. And no warrants or anything like that that we are aware of.)
I feel for you, ladies. I do
I feel for you, ladies. I do get that that happens. I remember tog's stories.
But I still feel that a dh with a sabotaging bm can do a great deal to protect his wife and to also let skid know that certain behavior will not be tolerated.
Most of the stepmoms do not get miserable if they can feel the dh has their back. The skid can still be incorrigible but sm doesn't feel like the sacrificial lamb.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your responses. It's wonderful to be amongst people who understand.
After a good start, things went downhill. I found both daughters to be petulant and moody and so I decided to keep a fairly low profile and let them come to me where I would be waiting with a kindly smile and open arms ...
... It's a good job I didn't hold my breath.
After a year of being together my SO invited me to come to watch youngest open her birthday presents. I went out and bought something nice for her and then got the slap in the face ... please would he go alone and not take me.
We went on holiday together but she barely spoke for the whole fortnight. I would make small gestures but she didn't want to engage and so I left her to it.
A year later we had a holiday to Europe planned. The night before we were leaving she took her Dad aside and told him she didn't want to come as she didn't get on with me. Everything was booked and paid for but she didn't come. When we got back she gave a long list of things that she didn't like about me, which interestingly were the exact things I didn't care for in her. She then announced that if I was there she didn't want to see her Dad and so every other weekend I wasn't allowed near.
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After about six months
After about six months she
After about six months she agreed to start seeing me again and it was as though nothing had ever happened. I was told I was not to discuss it with her. I was just my usual friendly self and she was fine with me - so what had all the fuss been about?
Then my SO told her I was going to be moving in. Again she turned. She hasn't spoken to her Dad for a year now. The other daughter is having her baby christened and has invited her Dad but because the youngest will be there has said I can't go.
My brother is currrntly terminally ill and could die any day now and I feel quite aggrieved at their unkindness and lack of generous spirit. But I need to save my emotional energy for my prayers for my poor brother. Those girls can rot in hell but what mean spirited behaviour to show their father who loves them and feels torn and embarrassed by their behaviour.
He is devastated and torn and
He is devastated and torn and still considering whether or not to go. I would never ask him to not go but secretly hope he won't. Deep in my heart I know he will though. I will be letting him know that for me it will be the final straw in any attempts of mine to build a relationship with his daughters. I'm done.