You are here

SD Annoying Habits - I'm losing It!

Crystalmuffin's picture

I'm so tired of dealing with SD and need to vent.

1) She asks or says "really" about everything. It's a question, "Really?" (Sarcastic) or "Really?" (a question.) This is a habit she picked up from BM and it grates on my nerves badly. I ignore it completely and don't answer, but it's just about every single comment someone makes she will say it.

2) She works herself into a frenzy every time she's upset. She's done this for the entire time I've known her. Our 9 lb. dog walked on her while she was crawling around on the floor/hanging from the couch, etc. She cried for about 10 minutes and it turned into a panic attack. I'm fairly used to it at this point but I just don't feel like she's been taught properly how to deal with her panic/anxiety, and I don't necessarily expect her to, it's more of an assumption that she's not guided properly. But how should I know? I'm actually decent at talking her down from these by getting her to drink water, breathe, etc. But its another one of those things I have no clue about when it comes to procedures at BM's.

3) She has been corralling our dog into her bedroom and not letting her out. I get she wants to play but it makes me nervous, because she has a tendency to play rough at times and I have to correct her. (She doesn't seem to get it.)

4) She doesn't seem to get any type of call-out on her behavior. I have to get mean about it for her to take it seriously. 4-5 times I say, do not wake the dog up. Let her sleep. This turns into a pestering/pleading game. Which is the main thing I'm at a loss about right now.

5) Everything if it isn't "really" is "whyyyyy", "buuuuuut" or "pleaaaaaase" and she makes the most asinine requests. It's always, can I have a candy bar for breakfast? Can I play a game on your phone while you're driving? Can I have a snack 5 minutes before dinner? And so on, and so forth. I'm at my wits end. We had a talk about accepting "no" for an answer and I know consistency is key here, but holy God I'm losing it. And she will also just flat out say "why" in the most rude tone of voice. I ignore it usually. Or I say, "why do you think?" Which usually leads to "I don't know." If she's doing something asinine, and I tell her to stop, it's, "Why? It's fun." I'm like, "I get that its fun for you but it isn't safe." Is that not straightforward enough or???

 

One thing that's so irritating is she will listen to DH fairly well. She doesn't pester him continuously as she does me. She will perform the habit but not press it. Though I have given in to her on occasion, I don't believe it is to the extent that it warrants the level of persistence on her part. DH stands by me and parents her. And he's stern. I generally am too.  Do I just have to not be nice, ever, because she will think she can just take advantage of it? I'm just like, how can I be loving and feel free in my own home while she's here, then?  I really just get so irritated immediately with everything she does now. I can't help but feel guilty about this even if it is legimitately annoying, because it's a broken record that replays every weekend, even when I try to be creative or just ignore it.

 

And I thought I had an arrangement with DH that I will NOT be watching her on my weekends because I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy. Well guess what! Because DH has to work Mondays and can't take her to school in the morning, he is just going to keep picking her up on Friday nights anyways. (YAY.) I don't mind when he's here whenever she's here, but I'm exhausted and she's wearing me thin with the constant begging to do x y and z. He is working from home this coming Sat, and did work from home Sat before last- but it bothers me that I already had this uncomfortable discussion about not watching her on my own and yet it's still happening. It makes me so mad. I love DH so much and I want him to see his daughter. I don't want to be the babysitter. It was one thing when she was younger and more pleasant. My patience is really thin with her now.

 

Also she's always asking to stay here longer. She loves staying here. It would actually probably be better but the arrangement now is weekends since she's going to school near BM instead of in a central location where we could pick her up and alternate weekends. I had anxiety all week last week because I knew I'd have to deal with it by myself that coming weekend. I spoke to DH about please talking with her and preparing her for how I need to rest, etc. She was better than usual but I'm tired of feeling this way and feeling like I have to try hard and ignore every bad habit she has.

 

I don't think I even like SD anymore. She's 6 in April. It's likely just a phase but feeling out of control of the situation and dealing with how whiny she is regularly, and the mannerisms she has adopted from BM drive me up the wall. She has the capability to be completely pleasant, it just hasn't been that way lately. I really want to like her. I really want to love her. I really don't want to feel like I'm being insensitive, etc. I just can't seem to help myself. It's agonizing. I'm either trying hard or trying hard to not try hard, I lose my cool and have anxiety about it. Try different things. What gives...

Comments

Hastings's picture

You've got a lot on your emotional plate, Crystalmuffin!

I don't know the full story here and I'm no child expert, but I can tell you a couple of things I've noticed. (I'm the oldest of five kids, have a nephew, five nieces and a stepson, so I have spent a LOT of time around kids.)

Kids are annoying. In different ways at different ages, yes, but annoying. And 5 can be pretty trying. A child's parents can cope with it and still love their child because of the bond between them but for SPs and others, it can really test the relationship. I say that just to let you know your feelings don't make you a bad person.

You're pregnant, which adds an extra layer of emotion (hormones) and anxiety for you. You are incubating a human.

But it's also possible it's causing some major anxiety for SD. She might not be able to articulate it since kids that young can't always pinpoint and verbalize the source of their feelings. But that may be some of what's causing the ramp-up in her behavior.

Perfect storm, really.

I'm sorry. People I know and respect have had good luck with natural consequences in stemming annoying habits. (When you whine, it takes Daddy and Crystalmuffin's energy so you have to go to bed early.")

And don't reward the behavior. She likely wants attention. Give her plenty when she's good, but don't reward her for annoying or manipulating. 

My SS10 annoys me to no end with poor table manners, entitlement, and the fact that he still thinks baby talk is cute. DH addresses them, but it's haphazard, (and BM ignores or encourages so, yay!) which makes it take that much longer. Sigh. 
Abd your DH really should have your back and come up with a solution to the work/custody problem. I would assume he wants you and SD to have a good relationship. A lot of that is on him.

ESMOD's picture

Ahhh.. .I read the first part and thought you were talking about a much older child.. maybe even a teen or pre-teen.

A 5 year old.. yeah.. all of that is pretty much par for the course.  The never-ending "why"'s... the testing of boundaries and patience... The inability to moderate her emotions.

Improvement will take time, consistency and backup by dad of your "power" in the home.. and if you can't manage to tolerate much.. her dad will need to be more present to do the managing you are currently doing with her.

Crystalmuffin's picture

I am aware that it’s likely difficult for her that I’m pregnant, even though she acts excited. I’m well aware that this is all pretty typical behavior for a 6yo, but I’m still struggling with it.

 

DH is home every other weekend working (temporarily cause of COVID.) Having him around helps a lot. I voice my concerns to him about how I’m feeling (not respected, etc.) I'll have to try the thing with the tantrums/panic attacks.

Survivingstephell's picture

My oldest is going to be 29 in a few months.  Those first couple of years of parenting requires collecting different techniques to use.  Here are a few of my favorites that changed behaviors.  
1. Spit that bad attitude out.   Hold your hand out and insist they spit it out into your hand. Granted you have to be prepared for the spit but it was a silly request and got the job done.  (No Covid then so modify it). 
2.  Mommy's major meltdown. Out do their temper tantrums at the same time.  Let it out!  Ramp it up.  Stopped my girls in their tracks and they got to see how ridiculous they looked. 
3. Foot stomper.  I had a foot stomper and a friend told me she made hers stomp for 100 times. No stopping. If they keep stopping start the count over and point out it's their choice how this ends.    It took two stomping episodes but that tired foot made a real impression.   
3. Whining. " I can't here you"  or I don't understand whining"  "When you can talk in a normal voice come back to me"  and don't t engage with them until they talk normal  (this is most annoying and the sooner they understand it gets them nowhere , the better)  

Consistency is the main thing to remember. Every time they try one of these, use  these (or others ) to circumvent the behaviors.
 

You can train them to deal with you how you wish.  You don't need permission for that.  Using boundaries, we teach everyone what we will and won't tolerate.