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What is SO trying to do

Crr18's picture

SO told BM that he will not be driving SD anywhere until she starts to stay over again. He also told her he will have SS tonight but do not ask for him to drive him anywhere Saturday or Sunday.We have plans that we need to follow thru with even though our relationship is falling apart..He told her if he is staying over on Tuesday he will run him and Thursday he said SS will stay over because he is taking him to batting practice. But Monday is out of the question too. Tuesday and Thursday are our nights. I don't know what will become of this because every time I think he is making progress he lets himself get pulled back in. He knows I am planning on leaving but also knows I need to get things in line.Is he a master manipulator?

Comments

notsurehowtodeal's picture

He knows you are on the way out, so he is going to do just enough to make you think he has changed so you will stay. Don't fall for it. Keep making your plans to leave. If he is sincere, you will see it in his ongoing actions.

stepmomnorth's picture

It will be interesting, an experiment really, to see what happens next when bio mom and the skids push back at all, will he be able to retain those boundaries or give in at the first sign of a disagreement? 

stepmomnorth's picture

And yes I do think he's fearful and doing what he thinks you want as he thinks you might leave and it seems like a tactic 

Crr18's picture

I also think it is a tactic.  If he thinks he can keep me in the relationship he will try to keep up the game until he knows I am staying. Then he will start the Uber driving again because he thinks it is how he keeps the kids also.  When I type this to me it seems he is trying to be possessive of everything. He must have what he wants at any cost.   I wish it wasn't like this and he was being sincere but there is no way to trust any of it at this stage. 

Tried out's picture

an ultimatum since you have nothing to lose by doing so if you're absolutely sincere about leaving.

It wouldn't have to be complicated but it would need to be very specific - he only does transportation on his earlier agreed upon custody days. Period.

This would include even weekends and evenings when he chooses to go to a game or practice and the kids are with BM. He goes to watch but doesn't supply transportation. 

And he clearly tells his ex these are the new rules and that it is henceforth and forever more her responsibility to find alternative transportation if there is a schedule conflict on her time.

Winterglow's picture

He must do this unfailingly for at least 6months (a year?). 

Crr18's picture

Yes he would have to continue to carry through so that it becomes a habit they all of them begin to follow. 

Crr18's picture

This is already in the works. The therapist told me whether I am leaving or not to write down the least he can do to keep me to stay and a time frame.He knows that I am in the process of doing this. And the compromise is exactly what you said. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Idk I'd be really skeptical of any sort of change especially after what happened in the counselling

Maybe it was the wakeup call he needed... I guess time would tell if he plans on sticking to the changes and is sincere 

Crr18's picture

Problem is I don't want to spend much more time waiting it out. Life is precious and I don't want to keep wasting time on something that may never change.

hereiam's picture

That's why you need to just stick to your plans to leave, instead of going around in circles.

When a person makes changes because somebody else wants them to, it just doesn't work. It won't work. He has already shown you this.

stepmomnorth's picture

I think he's already shown his true colours and I don't think he is going to miraculously change 

Tried out's picture

I agree that he's going to nudge any boundaries that are set. As would BM. 

But to me that means the boundaries have to be much more defined, to the point of being rigid, until they become the standard behavior - and then and only then can there be exceptions.

Crr18's picture

We had a screaming argument last night. I saw he texted BM.  He tried to text SD to see if some point she would join him for dinner and she didn't answer. So he said he has to text BM to see what the SD schedule was. I said not you didn't SD is old enough if she doesn't a so she is not interested.  I have never screamed back and forth with anyone in my life like that.  Now this morning he wants to be nice and say we need to get thru things. I said we never can because you can't give up on your ex and have to communicate with her everyday. He started about the kids and schedules changing and all that crap. He said I have not been running SD since she has not been staying and SS hasn't been in sports. I said but he will be in two sport soon ar the same time and you will run him daily. I told him I needed boundaries and schedules because my life is not a wait and see daily life. He agrees but says he can't do it because the kids wants Change daily. He said we can get thru everything. Nope WE can't.  I will be just excellent on my own doing what I want. I can schedule a year in advance if I want with no surprises. 

Winterglow's picture

He doesn't get it and never will. Either that or he's so incredibly stupid he cannot understand what's wrong with licking his ex's arse. Either way, why would you want to live with that? Beats me that he's jumping to attention to his ex's command probably even more than when they were married and can't understand why a new wife isn't happy with being simply a stopgap, there for when he has nothing else to do ... Idiot that he is. IT's pathetic that he runs everything past his ex when he could talk to his kids directly ... which would probably buy him a bit more respect from them. 

RUN!

Tried out's picture

seems to believe that you should just bend to his will and make his priorities yours. Even after all this time, therapy, arguments and tears he hasn't budged.

Earlier I expected he would eventually come to accept that your needs - not to mention your relationship - had to be given equal billing with his kids if your relationship was to last. And I thought it was possible that he would realize he couldn't give you that and end the relationship.
 

But it's like he hasn't been listening to a thing you (or the therapist) have said. He really believes that his choices are justified and therefore you should just accept them.

I think he's nuts.

Crr18's picture

He is nuts. He just text SS and said that they need to practice baseball together this week because fall tournaments for the new travel team begin soon. SS said he can't this week because football practice starts tomorrow. SO says to me I can't believe he has to start football practice when he needs to practice baseball. He was ready to start the bitching. I just said I have to go put my clothes away and Walked away but in my head I am like you ass you and BM are the idiots who said he could do both. Oh I also don't think I said SS has now started to play golf with his friends. He has already went like four times. I am not sure what the school has for that but I am waiting for him to ask to join that. Does anyone know if that interferes with any other sport? And does that get really pricey?  Not that it should matter but I am curious. 

Tried out's picture

can be expensive, especially if they're made for the golfer...

And there are travel teams in golf!

Crr18's picture

I looked it up . In our state golf and football practice run the same months. So sad he won't be able to do if he thought he could.I bet SO was wishing he could play one more sport.  

stepmomnorth's picture

Our schools don't have any golf teams. But if he were interested in golf, overall it could be pretty pricey. The clubs and the clothing, green fees and membership costs. Going out for 9 or 18 holes on the regular would add up quickly. It's not a cheap sport.. 

stepmomnorth's picture

"We've been through so much together"  : yeah but that means crap, because did you want to go through all that?? Did you need to? Was the crap you went through because of his actions, Yes. So yes you have been through a lot but it's because of his bad actions

"We can get through anything together", : Hmm sure. While you ignore your partners needs and the advice of the therapist. Is this really "getting through things *together *? No, it is him being inflexible and kissing bio mom and bios butts

Cover1W's picture

Agree with everyone else. My ex had a magical turn around late in our marriage. He must have known I was close to leaving. He tried doing different for about three months but finally lost it and I left anyway. Looking back I wish I had actual left earlier!

shamds's picture

2 whom were adults and 1 a teenager who should all know better. 3.5 yrs in and about 6 months into dealing with feral miniwive sd's, i'd had enough and even then hubby complained why i was so hormonal and not taking the crap of his kids.

he worded it as "its not as bad as you claim" which was a smokescreen for "it is bad but I don't have the balls to address things and letting them disrespect and walk all over you."

it wasn't till i made it clear since he had no intentions on protecting us from this toxicity and disrespect, that he encouraged and allowed it to continue and further perpetuate this dysfunction from his previous marriage and kids to our family and kids, that he clearly had no respect for me and divorce was the only solution.

it wasn't till he heard the word divorce that he realised how much deep shit he was in and realise that this hapoened because of all the bullshit excuses and copouts etc of skids he made and gave which was so pathetic and ridiculous that he finally grew a pair.

ss is 25 and he has made a real effort with my 2 kids. Sd's are a failed cause. I put my foot down with having any contact with them in 2018, its been over 4 yrs now and no changes.

when eldest sd fake cried to hubby on the phone and blamed me and our 2 kids who were 1 & 2.5 for why she had a crap relationship with her dad which was of her own choosing but instead of taking responsibility scapegoated us, i put my foot down. It was clear she was actively trying to destroy our marriage.

i made it very clear to hubby that there was no way in hell he can expect me and sd's to be together at a family outing lunch or dinner/holiday when we have had no contact in over 4 yrs and effectively they are strangers to us.

boundaries are important 

hereiam's picture

I told him I needed boundaries and schedules because my life is not a wait and see daily life. He agrees but says he can't do it because the kids wants Change daily. 

He cannot balance being a father (and an ex-husband) with a relationship, so it is really best for him to be single, as he can't seem to give a partner what she needs. This is not fair to YOU.

His denial about this and his continued manipulation to get you to keep wasting more and more time on him and this relationship, and getting your life interrupted by his kids' schedules, is just insulting.

He needs to be man enough to just admit what is what. He will not stand up to BM, and your relationship is not a priority. He wants to kiss BM's ass and run his kids around the planet when they snap their fingers, and provide them with daily changes or whatever, fine, but he needs to be mature enough to let you go, instead of blowing smoke up your ass.