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Things not working out

Crr18's picture

My new job is not what I expected.  They are a mess with everything and I am being expected to do more then I was supposed with way more responsibility. And my boss just seems off. I don't know how it explain. It is like she is almost mean. I know that sounds strange. So I am worried I will have to look for another job because this one is already stressful.  I can't look at the apartments by where I work until mid October but now I don't know where to look especially if I have to get a new job again.  It is getting hard to continue my life with SO knowing I am ready to leave and I am just playing the game. He is planning a vacation and I said I really didn't want to go now and he said why. I said with the new job . He said you already told them during the interview you were going and they said that is fine.  We now have a crying almost 16 ur old SD because we were getting a dog sitter and she was upset saying SO hates her and never spends time with her . That he is too busy with his personal life. Really all his time is spent with SS . He even told her that.  BM is still in stop every fricking day with communication and I am at a loss of what to do. Ugh.


Cover1W's picture

You haven't been there that long - I'd say stick your new job out for the next few months, get yourself moved and then look for another job if it's still bad. Document what you were told in the interview process and what you are actually doing. Use this when you turn in your resignation.  Keep your head down and get yourself personally in a better place while you put on a game face for work and home.

Survivingstephell's picture

Anyway you can just pack up and leave the area and find a new place to live? Scary but a fresh start might be what you need.  Far from this situation.  

justmakingthebest's picture

Suggest that he just take the kids on vacation, that you need the break and can focus on work and they kids can have time with just him. Win-win

As for the job, I get it. I once took a job and only lasted 2 months.... I found out that it was a front for a cocaine operation and got out fast. Whatever the reason, sometimes you just have to get out. Start looking now and start looking for remote or out of area jobs. There are so many careers that pay for relocation.

I don't know what you do, but I know the major shipyard in my area is hiring for every position imaginable right now and are paying for relocations according to the ads. Everything for admin, project management to trades. Maybe it's time to really shake things up and go into a different industry! 

AlmostGone834's picture

Even when i said the three of them could go. SO wasn't happy that i said that but I wanted to see if it was me. But it is him he is not comfortable around them and they don't want to be around him no matter how much SD says it is him she is avoiding him any way possible


I just want to say I am also baffled by this behavior. My DH can't stop praising Little Idiot and saying she is so wonderful and yet he doesn't want to spend any one on one time with her. I would LOVE it if they did. It would give me a break from BOTH of them. 

Crr18's picture

The skids want nothing to do with him.SS is only coming aroun to get rides because BM can't do it all because he is in so much with sports. SD uses every excuse she can to not be here but is saying SO doesn't want anything to do with her.  He is so pathetic with begging them to do things with him. 

Crr18's picture

I would have loved it if they had a connection but they don't and I can't sit here and watch him be used and let BM have communication with him everyday and still know nothing about the kids or what is going on. He finds out on an as need basis. Which means as BM needs him to run the kids somewhere.   None of it is okay with me. 

Crr18's picture

I can't believe the stuff my SO blames on me and how it is always my fault.  SD had to cheer at the Senior High Football game last night for Hoecoming. Yes I said Hoecoming that is what I like to call it since the dresses these girls wear are ridiculous . But anyway first he said how good he has been doing with working on communication with BM and  I was just being quiet and as usual he kept it up. I was not mean and I said you are not she contacts you every day still. He said why do you have to always start something. Then we went to the game and he said he wouldn't want to be at these games all the time. I said but you will be because SS is playing so every Friday  four 4 years you will have to be here and every Saturday until he is in 11th grade.  He said why do you always have to upset me. I said it is a fact how is  it me upsetting you. He then poured for hours. I will never understand.

CajunMom's picture

It's his mindset and he won't change, as you clearly know. I would NOT be pointing out anything else to him about his kids. By staying quiet, you will protect your peace. And why get involved anyway? Let him vent, give him the "yeah, uhuh, mmm" responses and stop pointing out the obvious to him. He does NOT want to hear it. When you get involved with him, you are only destroying your peace. 

Stop getting involved with him on conversations about his kids. Keep your exit plan in place. 

Crr18's picture

The problem is that if I don't respond he just keeps it up and gets mad because I say nothing. Anything I do is a lose , lose for me. 

Winterglow's picture

"OK, dh, what exactly do you want from me? If I say nothing you get mad and if I answer you, you still get mad. This is getting old, dh. "

Crr18's picture

I have told him this. It never ever gets through to him. I have told him to just stop bringing things up that become unpleasant to discuss.He likes to say I start these conversations and I don't. He does and then it is my fault when it goes too far and I say something. Like why would you continue to ask me and say that you are getting better with your ex when you know she still has communication with you daily. And he picks and picks about it until I say something and then I am at fault.  I think he likes drama and has been so used to it that if he sees things are going good for a day he has to start just to get a rise out of me. 

Crr18's picture

He could have had one with me. He is the one choosing his dysfunctional family over the life he could have with me. 

CajunMom's picture

There are other ways to "participate but be disengaged" in his convos. Clearly, he won't stop bitching about his kids to you as he needs to vent his own frustrations with the situation. But if you get on the bandwagon with him, then he needs to protect the kids. Ways to circumvent his turning it on you: "I'm sorry you are hurting / sad / dealing with this. I understand what you are saying. I wish things were different for you." So, in essence, you are validating his feelings without adding any of your own to the mix. Try this the next time and see how it goes. If it works, then do that until you exit.

But clearly, you NEED to exit this relationship. It's not healthy or good for either of you. Yes, he could have had a good relationship with you but its so clear he doesn't want that or else he'd be doing the work to make you two better. 

Another option is to let him know you'd prefer he talked with someone about his kids. While you "care" for him and his wellbeing, the kids seem to be a divider for you two and you'd prefer he found someone independent of the situation. Then, if he continues on, follow the suggestion above. It's really all you can do.

Best to you.


Winterglow's picture

So the poor darling rabbits on about something for hours but cannot bear for his wife to comment because it is so terribly upsetting for him? How upset would he be if you told him to put a sock in it? He should avoid all subjects that he cannot stand being discussed. In fact, he wants to ramble on in his solitary monologue because he isn't capable of dialogue. Maybe that's why he has no relationship with his kids, because he's never learned to exchange ideas, to converse, with others? 

Crr18's picture

He never has actual conversations with his kids. It is just a question and answer session. He talks to friends but he has admitted he was always socially awkward.He almost started with me again this morning. I guess someone he worked with he found out had died in July and he went in to say how this guy had it bad with losing his dad and I guess had health issues. He said how that when we think we have something bad look at other people. I said do you forget I lost both my parents a close cousin and my husband  and my sister moved away within 5 years. He said no I don't forget that you have had it rough but you forget that I did too. He still has all his family. It was a divorce! He said our life could be really good. I said yes . He said that I just need to be more understanding about his situation. He said I don't get that the kids schedules change blah blah blah. And wouldn't stop of course. I said you need to change first by setting a schedule and stopping daily communication. I said I am done discussing this.  Never ever ending drama.