I gave advise
I gave advise knowing it will cause an issue because I am tired of being asked it. BM called SO and said SS friends helped another boy ask a girl to homecoming that SS wanted to ask. I guess SS is soooo upset that this happened. Well I am upset that BM called SO over it (not sure if I should be or not) and SO asked if he should talk to SS about it. I told him yes knowing that SS won't want that questioning from SO and that SS will be ticked when he knows BM told SO.
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So... you gave him "bad"
So... you gave him "bad" advice? lol. You should give him the advice to get on the same page about dropping a sport so his kid doesnt' fail out of school.. if you are going to risk getting involved at least get something out of it!
I agree about having him text
I agree about having him text bio mom about dropping the sport. These opportunities are rare! Jump on it when it happens. It's a unicorn opportunity. May never happen again.
I can never win with sports
I can never win with sports advise and I am sure BM will now want him to play basketball because this was his football friends who helped someone else so now he will need basketball friends.
You know that this was a BS
You know that this was a BS reason for BM to call. If they want to coparent that intensively (talk daily about everything that happens, the kids' feelings, etc.) they should just get back together and not try to drag other partners into their relationship.
I didn't know if it was BS
I didn't know if it was BS reason or not.it upset me she talked to him but if it were up to me there would be zero communication .I guess she is worried about how upset SS is. Remember these kids have never experienced disappointment. SO has gotten really good at not communicating with BM . I don't even know what I am hoping for with this bad advise. This step life stuff is too rough.
Idk, i think you give your SO
Idk, i think you give your SO too much credit. Has he really gotten good about not communicating with BM? You just went away for a few days on vacation and he was sneak-texting her about a non-emergency while you blow dried your hair. I'm not criticizing you. Lord knows i have put up with some BS from my SO and still haven't broken it off. BUT - it sounds like you are confused as to why you are upset, since your SO has done so great about communicating with BM. I'm saying, i think maybe you are upset because he is gaslighting you into thinking he's done great but even though he has made improvements, you sense something is off. I am a divorced parent too, and even when my kids were 50/50, i maybe talked to my ex once per week. It CAN be done. Boundaries i mean. Some people just don't want them.
You could be right and I
You could be right and I could be making excuses for every time he communicates with her. I think they don't know what to do now that SS is missing school work and now with his friends helping another kid get a date with the girl he thought he should be going with to homecoming with. It seems like as soon as it may get better something always comes up. I don't have kids of my own so I don't k ow what is normal to communicate about.
I would say the friend drama
I would say the friend drama is unnecessary to communicate about unless it was extreme like severe bullying. This was not extreme... This is just friend drama. This is something they could deal with on their own as a parent, probably without involving the other parent unless they were about the send the kid to the other house and wanted to send a heads up text why they are upset. (imo)
I agree. On the Ex Enmeshment
I agree. On the Ex Enmeshment Scale that goes from zero to "sister wives", this is higher than I could live with.
How can you give good advise
How can you give good advise having never been a teenage boy? You need to practice being "utterly incompetent " for SO. Practice shrugging your shoulders in the mirror while saying "I have no idea" .
I have to wonder why his friends did this. Could it be they all know he's spoiled brat (IMO) and served him a dish of comeuppance? Did they even know SS was interested in her? Teenage drama. Adults don't need it but if asked I would have given the same bad advice. You basically told him to parent. Not your fault he doesn't know how.
It wasn't like it was his
It wasn't like it was his girlfriend or anything so I am thinking he is more upset with his friends and maybe they did do it on purpose. Plus it seems like most of his friends now have "dates " to Homecoming so he could end up not being able to go .
Dates are a requirement or is
Dates are a requirement or is he unable to go alone? The lessons in mating. Lol. I'm sorry but this blowing up to include snowplow parenting is ridiculous in my mind. He better learn now to seize the moment or watch from the sidelines. On the other hand, his inability to ask a girl out will cut down on the chances of getting a girl pregnant.
Dates are not required . SD
Dates are not required . SD always goes with a group of girls. SS won't have time for a girlfriend anyway. He does too many sports lol.
Kids can figure some of this
Kids can figure some of this stuff out on their own and manage their own relationships at school with peers too. There's not always this need for parents to get involved. Not sure it helps anyhow. He'll figure out what he needs to do. He's upset and maybe needs someone to talk to but surely not both parents involved and calling each other over it. He will either ask someone else or someone will ask him, or he'll go solo or he won't go at all.
I just think I get tired of
I just think I get tired of the nonsense with pleasing the kids and babying them. I guess I am bad because I do want SS to get mad at SO for bringing it up and at BM for telling daddy.
meh
Meh is probably right Rags. I
Meh is probably right Rags. I think I have started picking at stuff that is not important in anyway.
Meh was not targeted at you.
BM's energetic enmeshment attempts with your DH and him not shutting it down and keeping her in her place minimizing her impact on you and your relationship... that is Meh.
Be easy on yourself.
Keep them all in their place. It is important because it impacts you. However, do not give them any importance that the do not actually have.
You are important. They, are not.
Oh I see . It was fine if it
Oh I see . It was fine if it was meant for me because I do think I over react. I found out that it was a text from BM about the homecoming. Also she was texting him about picking up kids , pictures being ordered, etc. There has no been no actual phone call for over a month. But this is because I decided to bring to his attention that he has made the texting start up again because he thought he secretly texted on vacation. I said yes I know you did it I watched you. He said it was about SS and missing the school assignment. And then got defensive that he has to be involved in his kids stuff. He is not involved correctly because he does nothing about anything.He refuses to see that one little text cause a whirlwind from BM.
Oh and now he is giving me
Oh and now he is giving me the cold shoulder. Things were really good. Why is this a roller coaster ride that I don't enjoy?
why is he giving you the cold
why is he giving you the cold shoulder? you just said he should talk to his kid.. (not really what I would have advised.. I would tell him to stay out of it.. kids need to learn to deal with their own lives.. relationships and disappointments).. but the advice wasn't anti SS or anything?
The cold shoulder is because
The cold shoulder is because I brought up about the BM and him starting to text again .
Didn't he agree that he was
Didn't he agree that he was going to stop texting her as much though? So did he just try to hide it because he knew you don't like it because that's not ok, either. I know that talking to him is uncomfortable but I would probably approach that topic with him. That he said he'd text her less and you didn't like that he is hiding the texting from you. I know its confrontational... However avoiding the issue is going to also cause problems because what's happening is its going to fester and things will remain unresolved.
Yep. I did say he knew he was
Yep. I did say he knew he was wrong because he was hiding the phone while texting. He said it was about SS and the homework assignment. Which I do know that's what it was. But because he did that he has opened up the door for BM again and he can't seem to understand that. He got defensive and I told him that he is getting defensive because he knows he is wrong. And then he turns it around to he has to know certain things about the kids.Bur to me why find out when you do nothing to change their behavior. All is does is tick me off. I am the bad guy .
My husband was like this with
My husband was like this with his kids.. Like he never knew the appropriate time to get them in trouble... They'd do something major and he'd say nothing. Then they'd do something little and he'd fly off the handle. Like he had no grip on when to apply consequences or when to get involved at a parental level. He didn't see how certain actions he did was making things worse
It seems like he's getting involved and then not going farther to fix the problem... So I agree why get involved then if you don't follow through. If you do nothing about it after.
Same here with the flying of
Same here with the flying of the handle for stuff that doesn't matter (basically it is just being loud to them-a stern talking to lol) But there is never ever a consequence. He does not know how to parent or he is just afraid too. Since nothing is ever done then there is zero need to get information from BM. That is not coparenting. It is just complaining about the kids. The only thing that gets accomplished is him upsetting me.