I am never going to understand

There had been such little communication with BM for weeks. There has been zero phone calls and like only a couple of texts. But now since SO let it start up again it is now non-stop again. I checked his phone and it is BM asking about baseball sign ups for school, batting practice schedule, and can you take SS for a hair cut on Saturday. SO told her yes . We have a very important meeting on Saturday at the same time as a hair cut. I can't say I saw the phone and we are hardly talking so I had to say I have to nail down the exact time for our meeting on Saturday. He said oh I will have to tell BM I can't take SS to hair appointment. I said do what you have to do and walked away. Since I have known him he hasn't once taken SS for a hair cut. But what I can't stand is the non stop again with the communication.

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This shit is never going to

This shit is never going to end. Both your SO and BM have deep-seated issues that make this desirable for them. The few weeks they "didn't talk", he may have just been better at hiding it. SS's fricking hair appointment. Give me an effing break. I had 50/50 with 2 kids for over 10 years and there was zero communication about our son's hair. And whoever had custody that day figured out sports practice. This is bullshite and you know it.

He tired letting me see all

He tired letting me see all the texts last night. I said I didn't need to . I know it is all about the kids and I need it to stop. He said that he won't know anything that is going on if he doesn't let her text him. I said the kids have to have responsibility. He yelled and said but they don't have responsibility what choice do I have. Seriously raise your kids !!!!!

So, you just said it yourself

So, you just said it yourself, then. This is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior. An insecure attachment style. Your SO and his BM are both getting something out of it. And, as you can see, it's not good for the kids. The texts and calls may be about the kids, but this pattern of attachment and communication is all about SO and BM. To meet *their* emotional needs. Unlikely to end at age 18. College. Weddings. Grandkids will probably be the worst, because each grandkid will have a birthday every year, Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, communion, and a "graduation" at least once per year forever. There could be multiple grandkids and the texts will be all about them, too. I get not leaving due to fear of being alone, so no judgement. But, you can acknowledge that the situation has a lot wrong with it and it's up to you to stay or go.

He's like a junkie craving

He's like a junkie craving his next fix ... of communication with BM, like he can't live without it.

It does feel this way and

It does feel this way and part of it he has obsessions that he will not get help for. He is still scared from the divorce.. If we are watching a movie and there is even one scene where the spouse cheating he won't watch anymore of it. If any movie has a young girl that something happens too he quits watching it. He said that this stuff could happen to his daughter. It just happened the other night with a movie.It was the night before homecoming and I probably made everything start because I said we can hardly watch movies together because stuff sets you off. I said you honestly need to talk to someone about this. But he has turned that around saying I am mad because he doesn't like all the same movies I do. He is in denial that he has major issues.

You are right. He needs to

You are right. He needs to talk to someone about this. His reaction to movies is not normal.

Yep he does. My point to him

Yep he does. My point to him wasn't that he needs to like all of the movies I like . I like Horror films and he doesn't and that is okay. The point was he needs to address what ever the underlying issues with certain parts of movies are. Like my deceased husband watched Law and Order all of the time. I don't watch it because it makes me sad. So I know what causes it with me. I don't deny it. He denies that there is a an issue.

They are intentionally

They are intentionally (sometimes unintentionally) missing the point so they can stay in denial and not have to make behavioral changes.

Teaching old dogs new tricks can be cumbersome if not impossible

I remember my own epiphany at a movie when going through my

divorce.

I went to Pretty Woman when it came out. Alone. I had leaky eyes through much of the movie because of the love story and the happy ending. I did not have one in that marriage.

Good thing old dogs can learn new tricks. I did not wallow in that misery. I let her take it with her when she moved out while knocked up by her geriatric fortune 500 sugar/baby daddy.

We did not have children, so purging her and that marriage was not as difficult as it is for those who are breeders with an idiot X.

That phase of my life was brutal for me. However, good riddance to her.

I went on to change my life. I sold my company, went from part time Econ/Finance student, to engineering student. 3.5 years later I finished my engineering degree. I met my incredible bride of 29 years the last semester of m 11yr undergrad program. We married almost 4yrs to the day after my divorce was final, 8mos after we met.

My XW did not change her life. She bore two out of wedlock spawn by GrandPa sugar/baby daddy. He married her after their second son was born. He booted her ass out when she got knocked up by yet another boyfriend a few years after they married. All three of her kids are OOWL, two are cheat babies that she spawned while married to someone other than the sperm donor.

Denial is not a good place to be. I fougth with it for the 2.5yrs that my XW and I were married. Noone should torturen themselves or their new mate with their baggage. Purge and thrive.

Just my thoughts of course.

There are some subjects that

There are some subjects that will elicit a visceral reaction.. my DH heard that Yellowstone was such a great show.. he talked me into watching it with him.. first scene episode one.. the horse gets shot... NOPE.. not watching the show.. turned off.. told him he can watch without me... There are certain topics that a lot of people are sensitive about.. animal death or abuse is one that is so common there is a site.. "does the dog die.com."...

It does feel this way and

These maladjusted bio parents

These maladjusted bio parents (idk if yours is one) will lie/sneak/and hide their communication with the ex especially if they know you're bothered by it

And a new partner usually has reason to be bothered by it if it's occurring in a non healthy manner

But I get confused. It is 100

But I get confused. It is 100% about the kids and nothing else. I am saying he has issues and denies he does. What are my issues I am denying since I cant help being so angry about the texts about the kids.

Yes, and it's a vicious cycle

Yes, and it's a vicious cycle because the lying and sneaking just makes things worse with the new partner!

Are you still considering leaving?

Are you still considering leaving? Because judgeing by your posts, your SO does not seem to be improving in any way.

I had changed my mind because

I had changed my mind because things were getting so good. But then he opened the door to non stop texting again.

X enmeshed spawn obsessed failed adults are not partner material

Save yourself.

I know I need to but i saw

I know I need to but i saw that he was changing but now he is back at it. And I don't want to be alone if I am honest. I don't want to start over again. I am getting too old.

No matter how old you may be, life is too precious to waste a

second of it on a failed dumbass.

You are a woman. Alone can be solved by engaging in community based activities and organizations. Those environments will get you in the presence of any number of potential partners. More importantly, it will get you in the presence of other women.... who know even more potential partners.

The absolute truth is, if you do not make a move, nothing will change. He won't. So, you not making a move... puts every bit of this on you.

This situation is entirely your choice. As it is your choice, it is also entirely your fault.

Make a different one. Make a better one.

On average, many women tend

On average, many women tend to live longer than their married counterparts because theyre able to self-care without being called selfish, without overly sacrificing for their male partners/ ingrate (s)kids/exes/etc, without taking on baggage from men who treat their spouses like free therapists/mommies/nurses with purses, etc

Being single is not death sentence but totally understandable if you don't believe it's for you. Partnering with the person who is the best fit for you is essential for peace and happiness

Change Doesn't Happen Over Night

or in two weeks....with anyone but especially in Stephell. Engrained behaviors, such as the "dance" between your SO and his ex take a determination verbalized and some hard boundaries set. Set backs/mis-steps are quickly recognized and self corrected.

That is not your SO. If you don't want to leave, then you will need to learn how to live with his behaviors. He's not changing.

My thinking? I'd rather be alone than live miserable. My peace is number one. DH had to make some strong stands with his ADULT kids in order for "us" to survive. And he's stood strong on those stands for years now. Is it perfect? No but he has really shown effort. Together, we make it work.

Changed behavior takes time to see in action...two weeks is not even enough time.

He really can’t

Talking to BM about anything, but the kids because you will have a fit.. But this is still bad. They are still talking to each other ..You are not allowed to talk to an old BF. But they have an excuse.. New rule. Only communication between BM and SO is on X day at 7 pm. Unless there a hospital emergency room visit. No need for more then one day !/2 hour of texting. No phone calls. Get it in writing

There has been no actual

There has been no actual phone calls for over a month and a half. He made sure he told me that it is only texting. I know it is we are on the same phone plan. The kids won't give him schedules even when he asks over and over. He says I just look for problems and no solutions. First of all not my problems to solve second he doesn't like my solutions. If a kid doesn't tell you when something is I guess they don't get picked up or you don't show up. Just ignore when BM has to be the one to relay the info or step up and tell her that you are not doing anything for the kids unless it comes from them. I would have understood that BM needed to let SO know about SS and homecoming if SO wasn't asking SS about it every freakin day and was relying on BM for the information.

My parents got along well and

My parents got along well and co-parented well but never felt the need to stay in constant communication. If I needed a ride somewhere I'd ask for it myself. If i needed anything i communicated that myself. Why do they constantly have to communicate? It's ridiculous! The skids are old enough now that it's really not necessary. SO and BM are getting something out of it.

But what are they getting out

But what are they getting out of it? I can't grasp it. It is only about the kids. They aren't talking about themselves or how things use to be. Is it because I don't care enough about the kids and maybe her fiancé doesn't care enough either. But it isn't really even discussing the kids it is scheduling. But I can't stop being annoyed by it. I guess this is me problem and I have to figure myself out.

Just some guesses:

1) BM may be "getting" the sense of being in control of the situation with the kids and being the favored parent. She gets to feel important, since she is the center of the family's universe.
2) DH is "getting" to see the kids, since they don't follow the CO and won't see him unless BM schedules it. He is getting to feel like he is involved, even if he doesn't get to make any decisions, and each text is a little crumb of information about the kids, which he, in his desperation, can savor.

One thing I can say as a bioparent, a parent's sense of identity often revolves around being a parent. If that area of their life is dysfunctional, their whole life will be dysfunctional.

I agree. Control on BM's

I agree. Control on BM's part, and DH being grateful that he's getting the crumbs from her table.

ANY communication is better

ANY communication is better than no communication to someone who is really thirsty for attention.

If you are referring to BM I

If you are referring to BM I think it is park of it. Assuming things are bad but from what I can tell her and her fiancé dont have a great relationship. And what is really weird to me is that her SS who was 2 when they meant and has lived with them and is now 12 is disliked by my SS. After 10 years and your step brother being part of your life since he was basically a baby shouldn't that be more like a real brother to you? This family has no real love . It is heartbreaking.

Arghh

Its hard to understand toxic enmeshed relationships.

Hun you will never have true peace in these types of relationships. You will never get back what you give when you are in a threesome that you never wanted.

Your DH and his ex will always do what they do cause thats how they roll. You may get time periods when it seems better, but that is just on the surface. Your DH may clean up for a bit to keep you happy, but on the side he will keep at it. Maybe out of guilt with the forever first family, out of his enmeshed need. Who knows?

What matters is that YOU will always be on this never ending roller coaster.

It sucks for you. One day you might say enough is enough. Just know you are never too old to start new. BUT you will always feel old in a relationship that always has you waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Hugs and blessings

Agreed.

The change is not lasting

It will be a never-ending cycle.

This is what just happened.

This is what just happened. SS has a football game at today .SO is on his way from work to go there. He calls me because some family is going and says is it at 4:30 or 5:00. I said give me a second and I will look . I look on the school website and it is canceled. SS would have known right away and BM shortly after. Why wasn't this a text from BM when she found out. Oh SO maybe she wanted you to have family show up and there be no game. I sent a picture to him so he wouldn't think I was lying. Stupid but it really frustrates me.

The games BM play

What a byotch.

Does SS not know how to text ? Rhetorical question.

I hope DH is dang mad about this. But of course the anger will never last long. The cycle will continue on, rinse repeat.

If he's anything like my S.O.

If he's anything like my S.O. he'll make up excuses for both SS and BM.

If I would have said

If I would have said something about he probably would have said SS was in school and BM probably just was busy. Blah blah blah. No SS doesn't give a shiz and BM probably wanted to see if you would end up going .

You are here

I am never going to understand

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